So yes i’m stressed out big time. I’m the only sex offender in this pod. There are 5 guys who tolerate me, the rest would like to fuck me up, Their words.
Well i promised you i’d not fight back if i could help it. But if someone comes in my cell i might have to. I will try awful hard Amy. But if its a matter of getting hurt real bad, i’ll have to protect myself. U know my faith, i’ll turn the other cheek if i can. Hell i’ll even run from the fight if i have to. 🙂
My fear is not about getting beat up for a minute or so. Its losing every thing i’ve worked for… staying off admins ” screw up ” radar. I just want to live a quiet life.
But intel hung me out to to be a target in this ” soft ” pod. Becouse i’m not only the only sex creep, or chomo as they love to refer to me as. But some of these guys still act like they are active gang members. I could check in from the check in pod. But what would that accomplish.
I’m just tired of the hate, but i didn’t give those i hurt any choice about the hate and pain i put them thru. So why bitch and whine right. So i’ll deal w/ the sick stomach, the headaches, and constant motor mouthing and U should die looks. Besides its loud in here so i dont mind spending more time in my cell than being out in the day hall.
I just hope one of these idiots doesn’t try to bully me by stealing or taking my stuff. That will lead to violence. I will not put up w/ it period. I hate bully’s…
Dont worry i’ll curl up and or run away from a fight unless its in my cell. Thats the worriesome one as far as a fight goes. Too easy to get hurt bad.
Tag Archives: sex
First of all thank U for sharing that experience w/ all of us. This must be the week where people challenge my thinking. Which i take seriously. I wish i could have found it in my heart to forgive my dad his wrongs on his death bed. Although i was not there, i know full well i had too much hate and bitterness toward him to do so.
I have struggled w/ that issue for years. Finaly being able to find some understanding and insight into him as i learn about myself and why i chose to be this way. We were both sick, scarred, and programed violently @ the hands of our parents. We both chose to be predatory instead of vulnerable.
I don’t know about him but i had chances to make the changes necessary to become a productive and compassionate individual. I chose hate and predation as my armor. I enjoyed hurting people. I was a coward just as he was. I could say it was my parents fault. Yet that would be total bullshit.
The truth is i (chose) this way of life. Although i have gained the ability to feel compassion and empathy for people. I still suffer the addiction to sexual violence. It is a shame i deal w/ daily.
So in one word how would i describe my father… ( Incapable ). Because he was controlling and manipulative right up to his death in 2004. And was incapable of change. I’m not sure if it was because he didn’t care to or that he had behaved violently and hurtfully for so long he just didn’t know how.
My mother…This one is easy. ( sick ). She was molested by her father, uncles, brothers. She was literaly used by the men in her family as a sexual apperatus. From a very young age. Then she marries my father. Horrible choice.
The woman only knew to equate love and sex as the same thing. The incest w/ me was her way of loving me. I dont really hate her for it. Although it was clearly a crime against myself. I not only enjoyed it, but i also equated this sexual behavior as love.
It was a sickness we shared. A way to love one another in his little private kingdom. I have forgiven her as well. My anger was not at what she did to me. Rather at her not working w/ me to hash it out.
To find a place of understanding between us. Where we could finaly put it all behind us and heal together and seperately. To exercise our own demons. And love one another as a mother and child should have from the beginning…
But the reality is shit happens. I made shitty choices that had absolutely nothing to do w/ the abuse i endured as a child. Broken system or not. I chose to be what i was. I am addicted to sexual violence. My brain is and has been fucked up for years.
That however is no excuse for how i chose to live my life. In a nut shell, the one word i would use to describe myself now: ( Learning ). How would i have described myself 14 years ago. ( Evil )!!!
So Michelle i hope i have provided some insight into myself, and how i see things. As for the abuse i went thru as a child. It honestly was not what made me who i was. Though it is easy to say my parents created an animal. Its simply not the case.
They are probably responsible for my sexually violent addiction. However i made the choice at around the age of 10 to be predatory. Because it gained me what they took from me. And that was my ability to control my own emotional safety and security. As well as my physical and sexual well being. I created me, i truly believe this.
Just as i am now recreating myself. Molding a compassionate and caring human being. And its not easy. But necessary.
I have my own history of abuse at the hands of a parent, and luckily for me, my healing was healthy and empowering. I began to realize it was him who was damaged and sick. I look in the mirror every morning and I like who I am. I don’t know what he sees when he looks in his mirror … a couple of years ago, I was at his death bed, holding his hand as he approached mortality and I asked, “How would you describe your father in 1 word?” His response, “… distant … ” Ok, interesting… “How would you describe your mother, in 1 word?” “… Vain” and my eyes began to well up. He was raised by parents who were distant and vain. Jesus Christ, what had THEY done to HIM? and the empathy and compassion I felt for him, my abuser, was overwhelming … it literally washed over me that, he was not who he was supposed to be. Someone did something to change him. I don’t relieve him of his responsibility for those things done to me and others … but I had a window into the “why”…and the timeline of cause and effect.
I forgave the man. I will never forgive the acts. I loved him but I was afraid to be near him most of my life. I second guessed every comment, every intention…and I hated that, but it wasn’t of my choosing. I am so grateful that although it took until the end, I gained even more perspective and true forgiveness.
I look at Brent and I think, he was born a beautiful perfect little being … what the hell did they think they were doing, and creating out of him???? I don’t forgive his acts, they are his to own. But it sickens me that he was changed. He was forever altered through no fault of his own. I wonder how he would answer the questions:
Describe your father in 1 word.
Describe your mother in 1 word.
January 19, 2018
It’s weird, I Love Classic Rock. But it seems the older I get i’m Liking some harder music. I think it’s my brains way of easing out its aggression.
Hey a TMI but an important thing, No Masturbation in 2 1/2 years!!! It’s True!!! Even though I’m Not on Depacote and it works again I’ve been a good boy. Amazing if you ask me. For a sexually addicted individual, i am good. It’s easier than i thought Not to spank the bastard.
Says a lot about my state of mind, my spirituality, and my thinking in general. I just don’t feel the need to get off every time Some Violent Sexual BS gets in my Brain. I think my heart has a lot to do with it.
Having Love, Compassion, empathy, really makes me feel a whole Lot different about Life, the way i think, Feel, and behave. Plus, NO Bullshit this Abilify is Really helping me keep my head on straight.
-Brent Brents 3-31-18
So the prison I’m in is 75% sexual offenders. And people let me be flat out honest. You should have a healthy reserve for the guy fresh out of prison. Most really don’t give a fuck about you, or any one else. Child sex offenders will find there ways to vulnerable children. Rapists will rape. Drug addicts will do unspeakable acts if they think it will get them their dope. Gang members will walk out the doors and go right back to the gangs. Shooting each other, and innocent people. Its frickin scary to just sit there and listen to the conversations, and watch the behavior.
I think about just how much alike I was to these people. Oh don’t get me wrong, if I were to stop doing what I do each day. I would still be the same as they are. In fact the only thing that separates me from their behavior, is my faith. My belief in our lord Jesus Christ. And the twelve steps of NA. And my knowing I can never ever stop living the life style I live now.
Its truly amazing how much clarity one can achieve when they put forth the effort to become a better human being. Exercising integrity without reservation in every thing you do. Be humble no matter what. Be truthful in all your affairs. Be honest and critical of yourself. Most of all love genuinely.
So I realize I will always be sexualy deviant in my thinking. Maybe not to the extant I was. But I still sometimes have rape fantasies. Yet I really don’t think about sex to often. When I get pissed off, I sometimes have the fantacies or thoughts about raping or hurting the person I am mad at.
So I’ve come a long way from the person I was twelve years ago. I really believe in the thought that true acceptance of self, only comes with a very thurough and honest willingness to look at ones self and not hold any thing back.
-Brent Brents 8-25-16
I will see many come and go as I spend my life in prison. I’ll see many of them get out, only to hurt someone else and come back. Not just once or twice. Several times, behind a crime that usually ends up being drug or gang related. The sex offenders like to use the excuse; oh it was the drugs. We all know that’s a load of horse shit.
So in NA tonight I spoke about feeling hysterical sometimes when I get real manic. I realized that I get hysterical about small problems. And I turn them into big unnecessary problems. I really didn’t like realizing that about myself. But I will tell you this. I love my NA. Just sitting there sometimes I here a person speak and I get insights into my own thoughts and feelings. It is interesting how alike we all are. Yet most of us intensely insist, (We are not like those guys!) When we are the same in so many ways. Meth addicts often become sexualy addicted. Or addicted to sugar. Some of us heroin addicts tend to have to take a crap Right before we fix, or on our way to score dope.
So where am I going, well as an addict I have victimized more people than I realized. Selling heroin to people, victimizes them and their families, friends, and others in their lives. Not to mention the victims they will create when they get desperate for their fix. Because as we all know, addicts will do any thing to get their dope. And yes sexual deviance is a huge part of a great deal of addicts lives. Whether they will admit it or not. I’m not saying addiction makes sexual deviance excusable. Quite the opposite. Drugs often bring a persons true colors to light.
-Brent Brents 8-25-16
Faith! Enterestingly enough having a faith has mellowed me a lot. I’m not a prison zealot. I take my faith seriously. Will i go to heaven or hell? How much good does one have to do to earn that trip to the gates of heaven. I’m Not sure that hell is where i’ll wind up. I have faith in our Lord. Prayer is my weapon of choice these days. I know, There will be lots of nay sayers. All I know is i can make peace with The person who wakes up in my bed each morning, Never forgetting that I’m in this cell for a reason. I do my making up for my past by prayer and doing this. I don’t know how much these posts help, assuming they do. But i Live for the cause so to speak. “Prevention.” How do we stop Making Sexual offenders. My faith is my way to keep me on this path.
-Brent Brents 5-1-15
My name is Marc Rich and I am a professor at California State University, Long Beach. I am also a rape prevention educator. While visiting the Boulder Book Store I picked up a copy of Diary of a Predator: A Memoir. I just wanted to sincerely thank you for writing this poignant, powerful book (hard to read, hard to put down) and for your ongoing work to fight predatory behavior with civilians and in the military. Your book remains one of the most challenging pieces I’ve ever read–and one of the most important. I actually use a quote from Diary during our rape prevention program to help students understand the distinction between power arousal (predatory) and sexual arousal:
“Sex has little to do with it. It’s the control, the domination, the fear, the hurt, the power” (Brent Brents, cited in Diary of a Predator. Brents was sentenced to over 1,000 years for rape and torture).
So, despite his criminal record, Brent’s honesty and your willingness to speak with him is helping us prevent sexual assault.
Marc D. Rich, Ph.D.
Professor; Executive Director, interACT
Note from Amy: I posted a comment from convicted serial rapist Brent Brents about chemical castration, and it prompted an interesting response from a reader in Montreal, Canada, who wrote to this Diary of a Predator website that he turned to that as an alternative after having sexual relationships with both women and men. The original post from Brent Brents and the reader’s response to it are below:
Well my only real issue lately is my OCD. It’s real real hard (No Pun intended) to Not want to masturbate or Push the fantacies out of my head. I can’t masturbate because of the meds anyway. Chemical Castration so to speak. You might i would be sad or upset by that. Honestly No I couldn’t be happier about that part of my life. It sure makes it easier to push the fantacies aside and eases the compulsion to masturbate or wash my hands every 5 minutes. Because I equate the fantacies with dirty hands.
-Brent Brents 3-13-2013
Castration is not all that bad, there are some bad and some sides. I’m not a sex criminal but I’ve used anti androgen for 8 years. I can’t produce testosterone any more.
In 1995 at 42 y.o. I search infos on the web about castration. I’ve discovered Yahoo groups and Eunuch .org. I found out about chemical castration and I started to used a natural product called “Saw Palmetto” this acts like “finasteride” an anti androgen. The transition went smooth. Within few months I could no longer get an erection and it didn’t bothered me because I had no desire for sex. Like other chemical castration this doesn’t eliminate all sex drive but brings it to a low level not enough to have an urge for sex. So I was satisfied being sexless. This went on for 8 years, this is why I said castration is not all that bad, other wise I’d have quit long before. During that period I was doing office work. I already had some side effects but they were bearable. I switched jobs to field work, first I thought I was out of shape but it went from bad to worst and I couldn’t do it any more. The castration side effects were just unbearable and I was very depressed. I quit the anti androgen, after few months my T level remained close to castration level. In 2005, my doctor suggested me to start Testosterone Replacement Therapy and I am on it since then. I’ve regained my sexual functions but my libido is still under control. I rarely have sex, perhaps once a year. I suggest to all castrated men to be very cautious about theirs health, eat healthy, take vitamin D and calcium, exercise everyday, keep your weight under control and don’t expect to work as hard as intact men. Castrated men are diminished men. If you remain fit you should avoid castration side effects. Good luck to all.
I wish everyone would calm down about the CIA adulterous scandal and become enraged over a much more important issue: sexual assault, including sexual assault in the U.S. military.
-This is what I’ve been thinking for several days now, and then someone did an excellent job of putting that into words by writing about the stunning documentary, “The Invisible War,” a film about the crisis of sexual assaults within the U.S. military, giving it proper context over the latest salacious story about Paula Broadwell.
I’m on the email list for director Kirby Dick and producer Amy Ziering, the creators of that outstanding Sundance award-winning documentary, “The Invisible War,”, and they sent me the below link to the piece that ran Monday in the Huffington Post. I’m interviewed in the film because of my work covering the issue, primarily the series I coauthored at the Denver Post called “Betrayal in the Ranks.”
So please, take the time to read the story, and then forward the link to a friend. Secretary of Defense Leon Panetta needs to turn his attention to “The Invisible War” and the issues it exposes, not media hype about emails and affairs.
From The Huffington Post: “The real scandal is that this type of behavior — stumbled upon via highly questionable investigative practices — is what garners nonstop media coverage and glaring headlines while a real military sexual scandal, our U.S. military’s horrific rape epidemic, affecting tens of thousands of our service members (annually!!), goes unreported and ignored.” Read more.
OK I wrote this thing on grief. Hopefully it makes Sense. I didn’t write it until i felt it was Natural and Not forced. I know i don’t think or see feelings like most people. So i can’t force things.
Like empathy its an emotion i struggle with. I have grief for lost grandparents and friends, and even pets.
I have a guilt about Grieving for my lost childhood, due to the abuse i went thru. I became a sexual being much to soon, so i lost the discover that comes with a young man’s virginity. I also did cause others to go thru the same grief.
My years in school were Not pleasant. I really Miss Not having a Normal school life. I wanted to be in 4H and play baseball, and football, go to prom, Graduate, and eventually go to College. But i was literaly to stoopid to go to college.
Oh I’m Not feeling sorry about school. I simply grieve the growth i missed. I educated myself acedmecly during my years in prison. OK so i need spell check to be installed in my brain on a permanent basis. But i feel good that i have a much wider education than many kids get today. And I am sad for them.
With my educational growth as a young adult i also grew emotionaly. The bad part is i embraced distructive emotions. These emotions Blocked me from being rational. I couldn’t be empathetic, or grieve normaly. Anger and rage, selfishness and refusal to take off my blinders, Black and White thinking, Abusive behavior etc. These I used to protect myself from the real threats of Grief, heartbreak, empathy. The Simple ability to feel anything other than self loathing and hatred for others.
Once i started letting myself experience grief without an anchor or rage or hatred, I was litteraly able to take a deep breath and release it, and know I’m OK.
So when i hear a story or see a TV show about something i missed in life, I know its ok to Grieve for it and not Let rage and hatred control my reactions.
So I may be wierd because i like grief. But liking it rather than Not being able to breathe, because i can’t get past rage and hatred. Yea i can live with being ok with grief and the natural feelings it causes.
Brent Brents 10-14-12