Tag Archives: hate

Reader: How does one feel safe with a predator?

Comment: Hey Brent,
I’ve read your recent posts with interest. I have faith in you, Brent. Hang in there.

In particular I read: “I’m just tired of the hate, I hate bullies”. May I suggest that the change you seek starts with you. What would it take to hear yourself say “I love bullies” (who, after all is not worthy of love?). This is not the same as “It’s OK to bully”. I get you have a reputation. There are stories about you. People see you how they want to see you; most times they won’t even consider a conversation with you necessary before they make up their minds about you. It’s all opinion. So make who you say you are more powerful that who they say you are. This is a massive ask, yes. But you have time to master this. Of all things you are rich in, Brent, it’s time.

Rather than a “weak little sissy” I consider taking the hit to be a sign of immense, even biblical strength and I’m inspired that you’re considering it. How about making them laugh when they give you the “the evil eye”, like “Shit man, do I have something in my teeth or are you just constipated?” (you’re a quick witted guy, your Spot gets held up at gun point had me laughing out loud at work: “How the hell would I know what Spot is feeling, I’M NOT FUCKING SPOT!”), shock them by shouting so loud in their face then run… you know the drill. With respect, I reckon you’ve mastered the skills to make yourself unnoticeable given your childhood memoir. But every time you hit back, you reinforce their story that you’re a monster.

How does one feel safe with a predator? You love it and respect it. Works the same with the bullies. To Amy, to me and to others, you’re not a monster – we just don’t see you as one, so you don’t show up as one. Would it surprise you to know that I’d choose a conversation with you in a room with no windows than a gaggle of school mums (moms) any day of the week. They are the ones that terrify me and I’m working on that. You are loved and respected. Consider this a privilege worth sharing with these guys who’ve probably had similar past stories of violence that you’ve had.

It’ll be really important to them to hold onto their opinion that you’re a monster once their minds are made up. That you’ll always bite. Then they know what’s going on and people like to know what’s going on, even if it’s horrifying. But it’s not impossible to change the story: make it your choice about who you are, not theirs, don’t give them the option to hold onto a label that isn’t yours.

Oh dear, am I preaching? I’ll stop now: I hope you read the above as invitation rather than instruction. Who the hell am I to instruct? I had a realistic dream the other night of smashing the face of an ex-boyfriend, and it was really quite satisfying….

With love and respect to you and Amy,
E

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I’m the only sex offender in this pod.

So yes i’m stressed out big time. I’m the only sex offender in this pod. There are 5 guys who tolerate me, the rest would like to fuck me up, Their words.

Well i promised you i’d not fight back if i could help it. But if someone comes in my cell i might have to. I will try awful hard Amy. But if its a matter of getting hurt real bad, i’ll have to protect myself. U know my faith, i’ll turn the other cheek if i can. Hell i’ll even run from the fight if i have to. 🙂

My fear is not about getting beat up for a minute or so. Its losing every thing i’ve worked for… staying off admins ” screw up ” radar. I just want to live a quiet life.

But intel hung me out to to be a target in this ” soft ” pod. Becouse i’m not only the only sex creep, or chomo as they love to refer to me as. But some of these guys still act like they are active gang members. I could check in from the check in pod. But what would that accomplish.

I’m just tired of the hate, but i didn’t give those i hurt any choice about the hate and pain i put them thru. So why bitch and whine right. So i’ll deal w/ the sick stomach, the headaches, and constant motor mouthing and U should die looks. Besides its loud in here so i dont mind spending more time in my cell than being out in the day hall.

I just hope one of these idiots doesn’t try to bully me by stealing or taking my stuff. That will lead to violence. I will not put up w/ it period. I hate bully’s…

Dont worry i’ll curl up and or run away from a fight unless its in my cell. Thats the worriesome one as far as a fight goes. Too easy to get hurt bad.

-Brent Brents

5-19-18

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I won’t hurt this person, but its tearing at my soul

Hello people.

I might sound like an asshole tonite. Well i’m pissed off. See we have this person who drives on every fiber of my being. He’s a totally fucked up piece of shit! Sorry i know i shouldn’t judge people. But if any of U spent 10 minutes around this guy you’d be wearing my hate filled shoes.

He is full of hate, talks constantly about beating peoples children to death w/ a ballpien hammer. And other sexually violent things about peoples children. Its driving on me, i hear this motherfucker talking this shit all day long every day. What can i do…

My faith and the fact that i cant afford to end up in GP ( general population ). I pray people, it came to a head tonight. I will not have this person around me. I aint going to do any thing to him. But damn it my mind is totaly against me. I’ve spoken to U all before about how i think when super super stressed.

Like i said i pray. I ask God to help me not to follow thru w/ my violent desires. I cant tell U how angry i feel w/ this guy. Lets just say i get how alot of U feel about me. Man i get the hate alot of U must feel. Also though i believe this is coming from empathy. I can’t emagine why this person wants to do these things. But his vocalizations R so upsetting.

Yes this is me of all people disgusted w/ him, and myself. I mean i’m fantasizing bad shit about this dude. So i’m mad at myself for thinking this kind of shit. Talk about being a hypocrite. I won’t hurt this person, but its tearing at my soul. The sick talk about hurting kids, and his other bs is eating at me. I’m at the point where i don’t even want to come out of my cell.

I’ll get thru it, i know this is a test.

-Brent Brents 4-30-2018

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Reader: May he continue to reflect

I just saw his thoughtful reply. “Incapable” – that’s a powerful adjective for a parent. It’s a helplessness to be able to commit to the ability to evolve. And as people, we are expected to evolve … Brent is not incapable. He – is – evolving, or trying to in many ways in a very limited and often hopeless environment. I really appreciated his time to address my letter and do some reflection and introspection.  I do disagree that his childhood didn’t shape him. I have always believed there is a danger in weaving the yarns of parental authority, physical violence, sexual violence/contact, with day to day care of childrearing. It makes a tight ball of confusion that is difficult to unwind and leave the person relatively intact. It confuses love and violence; weird sexuality and feelings; need, reliance, and hate. 
 
May he continue to reflect.  
Michelle, 6-1-2018

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I ask when does a victimizer get to feel ok about them self again

I just have to remember that people are going to hate me and what i’ve done. And some just hate me period. Thats life, not to take it foolishly, or be conceited about it. I’m allowed to have happiness in my life, but some people think not.

Just like Emily asked when can a victim feel clean. I ask when does a victimizer get to feel ok about them self again. Well my answer to the first is this. Be strong all of U. Whether you’re being violated at the moment, or U are a survivor of past abuse. You’re not dirty. Your attackers are the ones who are filthy individuals. You’re clean when you choose to be clean.

Fight w/ all of your hearts the shame and guilt, they dont belong to U. They belong to me and the other assholes who R or were your abusers.

As for when do i get to feel clean? I hope i always feel the shame and guilt of my sickness. No one deserves what i did. And in my mind if i forget that i’ll not be worthy of this blog, my efforts to help U out there will be for not. Its a harsh way to look @ it. But i am a sick deviant individual. Who should never be allowed to forget what i am.

Too many people like me get away w/ thier bs. And continue thier reign of terror. And innocent people suffer for it. My fathers father got away w/ his abuse. My father got away w/ his. And thankfully i got caught. Too late mind U, but caught none the less. So hopefully the cycle will stop w/ me. And my victims wont become, or continue being abusers. Or victims of people like me.

-Brent Brents 4-2-2018

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i hated his ugly little hood rat glasses so i smashed them too

Dear Amy,

So yes, i fucked up big time. Did i plan for it? No! Was i fully aware? To a point. Yet i just did not have control of my mind. When the young man hit me i was nonplussed. Confused. Like what the hell did he hit me for. Clearly i had put my hand down and was on the retreat. But my mind went way back in time to when Ron hit me in the face and hurt me really bad. This kid was weak Amy barely any force behind the punch. But i saw Rons huge fist slam into the left side of my cheek, and this blinding rage hit me so hard so deep that i was going to kill this kid. And I comenced to do just that. I don’t really remember what i did but it was bad. My knuckles are still scabbed over and painfully swollen. Almost 30 days later. I was officially arrested and released into DOC custody. The DA has not said explicitly what for. It really doesn’t matter. I will plea to whatever they bring.

I’m very sorry i disapointed you. I can’t explain the rage. I know it was partly PTSD related…Man what a fuckin idiot i am. I just can’t figure it out why can’t i stop it when i see it coming. I makes no sence. My brain was screaming at me to just Just listen to him. But my hate and bitterness over road all senses. I scared the poor kid and he punched me. I deserved it i know that i did. I bated him into it. What really surprised me is that i didn’t end up pretty broken up under that pile of 10 cops. My right face and forehead were road rashed and my back was a bit sore from the knees. But oh i hated his ugly little hood rat glasses so i smashed them too.

I don’t know where my head is at Amy. Mostly disapointed and pissed off at myself. I Don’t Know what going to happen. But when i do I’ll let you know. L ya Rockstar.

-Brent Brents 1-9-17

Note from Amy: This letter followed a phone call where I was told that Brents had beaten a prison guard, who thankfully was not killed but was indeed injured.

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It is easy to hate violent people. It is harder to see what creates them.

Note from Amy: This was a reader comment sent to this Diary of a Predator website:

It is rather seldom that I have tears in my eyes when reading accounts of trauma. But I did this time. It is easy to hate violent people. It is harder to see what creates them. In Brent’s case, he was abused so horribly in childhood that it is astonishing that he survived. I bow down to Margaret in respect and admiration. How she can forgive, I don’t know. I doubt if I could forgive. It is true that hatred does more harm to the hater than the hatee. Thanks for writing this.”

-Susan

Time: January 21, 2017 at 12:41 pm

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