He’s right. CATC was a damn good place to get help. I just wasn’t trusting or caring enough. I know of only 2 other guys in our group who Reoffended Sexualy. Pablo, Dodi, and Bill put alot of effort into me. Sadly i was pure predator by then. I learned the Language, Manipulated my way thru it in the end.
Ok so this pod I’m in is OK. A couple guys i can’t trust. But overall pretty peaceful. 2 hrs of Dayhall in the morning-2 in the afternoon or evening Depending on the schedule. 1 hr of yard 3 days per week. All the yards are about 35 yards wide and deep. Solid concrete. We don’t go to yard with GP. It’s usualy pretty Quiet in here. But we have some very weak minded individuals on the upper tier. Always talking Shit and dropping Snitch Kites on us. I got told on for something i didn’t do.
But it’s just immature dudes playing the boy who cried wolf. The COs even get it. Believe me I’m not in any BS. If it starts getting crazy i just Lock up…
I’m hoping to get to [a different facility]. Yet i’m not sure i want to. Only because GP cooks the food. And every guy in here says they poison the food with blood, semen, spit, feces, urine, and Toe and Finger nails. As well as other foreign matter.
Dear Amy, You changed my life today. I just listened to your Ted talk, “Have You Ever Met a Monster?” and I want you to know that you changed my life.
You are also helping me to forgive my father – if not to excuse him, to at least quit thinking about revenge. Thank you.
All the best,
February 7, 2018
Hello there. I am excited to reply to your latest post. I wrote 1 reply already. But my stoopid tablet dumped the whole thing. 😦 Any way i must first thank U sincerely Emily. Your engaging Amy and i in these dialogues is awesome. As U know Amy and i had set goals from the start w/ the blog. Engaging people in honest and truthful dialogues about the tuff subject of rape and any and all types of other physical, mental, sexual, and verbal abuses was 1 of them.
These are not dialogues for the feint of heart. Your courage and willingness to put yourself, your story, and your healing process out there. Is freakin awesome. Believe me when i tell U there is one or more someones out there who have been and will be encouraged by your strength.
Ok about my thought and feeling that rape is worse than murder. It now seems disrespectful in a way. After reading your latest post. I have had to reevaluate my thinking. In that thinking i took for granted that the survivor has the power to heal. And the purpatrator was the weak one from the beginning.
U are correct. The survivor only gives credance to the emotional death if they choose to give the abuser the power over themselves. While i agree w/ this. I also acknowledge that not all survivors are emotionaly equiped to deal w/ this in the way U have.
That is why i believe it be truly inspiring and helpfull for people such as yourself to use this blog and others to speak out. As a result of your latest post i have made the decision to not say that rape is worse than murder. While debilitating to all survivors. Rape can be overcome. Where as murder is a permanent thing.
I also think that your coming to a place of forgiveness w/ your attackers is absolute growth. While thanking them has taken the power you gave them in your emotional recovery. Please continue to engage us in these dialogues. One more thing Emily, if time petmits. Will U please read the posts from other survivors.
January 23, 2018
Amy- I watched your whole video on Have you ever met a Monster. I will be honest, at first when I started to watch it I couldn’t listen objectively. I was unable to understand from the rapist’s point of view because I usually don’t have compassion for them. When I watched your video for the second time, I watched the whole thing and my views were changed a little. You are right, we need to change the way we view monsters.
Brent Brents- I understand exactly how you feel, you feel angry and betrayed by those around you. I’m so sorry for all the trauma you went through as a young boy. It wasn’t your fault and you didn’t deserve it.
I know it’s difficult. I’m angry at the fact he got zero help..no one saw what was going. I’m not pitying him, I feel sad for his inner child…. It’s awful. In my own trauma I definitely am angry that my abuser got away with it and that the foster parent at the time chose to ignore it. But I’m so lucky to have gotten adopted into a loving and supportive family.
Time: January 28, 2018 at 7:52 pm
Ms. Herdy, I recently saw your Ted Talk, “Have you ever met a monster” and wanted to thank you for sharing your experiences and insights. What a story. And what an inspiration in the woman who was able to forgive Brent by seeing him as a victim as well- and having the clarity to do so in spite of her being his victim!
Thank you for all that you are doing in bringing attention to such a serious societal problem. I also want to share an interesting article with you that discusses the question you mentioned in your talk.
December 29, 2017
I have my own history of abuse at the hands of a parent, and luckily for me, my healing was healthy and empowering. I began to realize it was him who was damaged and sick. I look in the mirror every morning and I like who I am. I don’t know what he sees when he looks in his mirror … a couple of years ago, I was at his death bed, holding his hand as he approached mortality and I asked, “How would you describe your father in 1 word?” His response, “… distant … ” Ok, interesting… “How would you describe your mother, in 1 word?” “… Vain” and my eyes began to well up. He was raised by parents who were distant and vain. Jesus Christ, what had THEY done to HIM? and the empathy and compassion I felt for him, my abuser, was overwhelming … it literally washed over me that, he was not who he was supposed to be. Someone did something to change him. I don’t relieve him of his responsibility for those things done to me and others … but I had a window into the “why”…and the timeline of cause and effect.
I forgave the man. I will never forgive the acts. I loved him but I was afraid to be near him most of my life. I second guessed every comment, every intention…and I hated that, but it wasn’t of my choosing. I am so grateful that although it took until the end, I gained even more perspective and true forgiveness.
I look at Brent and I think, he was born a beautiful perfect little being … what the hell did they think they were doing, and creating out of him???? I don’t forgive his acts, they are his to own. But it sickens me that he was changed. He was forever altered through no fault of his own. I wonder how he would answer the questions:
Describe your father in 1 word.
Describe your mother in 1 word.
January 19, 2018