Tag Archives: pain

by Amy Herdy | February 15, 2019 · 7:15 pm

i have this feeling lately that i need to stop calling myself a predator.

Emily,

Thank you for explaining EMDR Therapy. Very powerfull. Your account moved me to tears of joy. Not at the pain or suffering you went thru in your earlier life, or therapy. No they were tears of joy for the empowerment and fight you have in you.

This last year and a half you have taught me so much thru your sharing. I have felt Deep sorrow, pain and empathy for you. Yet as i said i have felt great joy and pride in each step of accomplishment you have made.

You inspire me Emily to face my fears, my life as a whole. No one likes to face there Demons. Yet i believe you have helped many do so thru your posts on the blog. Your ability to share such deep personal issues has helped others I’m sure. Keep it up please.

So i have this feeling lately that i need to stop calling myself a predator. I am realizing that i am so much more than an animal. That is what a predator is. Yes i have these predatory feelings, I feel anger hate bitterness, frustration. But so do alot of human beings.

Yet i have a great deal of love in my heart, I have empathy, Sorrow, Compassion. I have joy happiness and just plain good in me. I am a human. Not an animal or a predator. Yes I have acted predatory, lived like an animal. Do i get fucked up thoughts at times yes. However there is good in me that overcomes these thoughts and feelings.

It has been very helpful Emily to enteract with you thru the blog. Just as you have grown from an angry frightened confused unstable victim. Into a strong empowered self confident woman. Who has recognized her humanity.

I to have grown to recognize my own humanity. You have had a great deal to do w/that. So i thank you for the trust, The sharring, and the wonderful accomplishments you have made. As well i deeply respect the depth of pain you went thru to get here to your humanity.

Thank you Always Brent.

Letter to a reader

Letter to a reader, cont.

Leave a comment

Filed under Brents' writings

Tagged as blog, Brent, demon, demons, EMDR, EMDR therapy, empowerment, human, humanity, pain, predator, predatory, suffering, therapy, victim

by Amy Herdy | January 19, 2018 · 6:00 am

Reader: my emotionally and physically abusive father is not a monster – he is a sick person

I can’t believe the timing of finding your Ted Talk video. I haven’t even actually finished it, but I’m so amazed that you have articulated what I only just began to realize through my CBT sessions myself: my emotionally and physically abusive father is not a monster – he is a sick person who needs help. Although he is very intelligent, he lacks empathy and inflicted pain and suffering on those closest to him.

I’m only just starting to unravel the pain of my childhood and was recently ‘diagnosed’ with PTSD. I don’t know anyone else who’s ever gone through this, so I am in awe that you mirrored my recent breakthrough, that was years in making, into a 17 minute speech.

I’m crying right now because I am so relieved.
Thank you very much,
Ashley from Montreal, Canada

January 10, 2018

——————

Dear Ashley,

Thank you for taking the time to send such a thoughtful email. It’s very gratifying to get a message like this one; it reinforces that this work is worthwhile.

I’m sorry to hear about the abuse your father inflicted upon you, and I applaud you for working on your healing. And I’m very glad that my TED talk was able to help you in any way.

I would like to post your letter on the Diary of a Predator blog–not identifying you of course–if that would be OK with you? Please let me know. If it is, let me know how you’d like to be identified-such as first name only, or no name at all.

Again, thank you for writing. It’s letters such as yours that keep me motivated to do this kind of work.

All my best,

Amy Herdy

January 10, 3018

———————–

Hi Amy,

You are welcome to post my email, and pls identify me only as Ashley… You can include Montreal.

I read more of the letters you posted and I’m surprised by how many people suffer from PTSD as a result of abuse. I guess I’m naive, because I thought it was only something soldiers had.

I wish you success in your work, and if you ever come to Montreal for a talk, I will be sure to attend 🙂

Best,

Ashley

January 11, 2018

Leave a comment

Filed under reader comments

Tagged as abuse, abusive father, diary, Diary of a predator, emotionally and physically abusive, empathy, father, monster, pain, pain and suffering, predator, PTSD, sick, sick person, suffering

by Amy Herdy | September 17, 2017 · 6:00 am

I really think killing a humans soul thru rape is worse than out right murder

So the threats and name calling have dulled down to a full Roar. Mostly because they know they can’t get to me. Plus i don’t Respond to them. Childishly or any other way. I have one dude who loaned me a stamp For two in return and threw in the envelope for Free that i mailed this….Dying in a really brutal way Does Not appeal to me. Dying I am at peace w. But I really want more time.

Yes I see the counter argument for it. I really think killing a humans soul thru rape is worse than out right murder. Although both are wrong. Shattering a childs or a womans soul is Daily torture for them. Although I’d like to believe that we die and go to heaven if we are innocent. I just don’t know this to be a fact. I do believe in God and i think there is a special place for all God people who die. If i were given the choice today the table or being stabbed or beaten to death. The Table of course. Holy crap i hate pain these days. I just don’t heal right any more And everything i hurt badly 20 years ago steadily reminds me Just how much pain comes with age.

-Brent Brents 7-23-17

Leave a comment

Filed under Brents' writings

Tagged as beaten, beaten to death, Brent, Brent Brents, Brents, death, dying, killing, killing a humans soul, murder, name calling, pain, rape, soul, stabbed, threats, torture

by Amy Herdy | September 13, 2017 · 6:00 am

So now I’m wearing toilet paper man pads

So on the way here in that death trap transport truck we hit a bump in the road which threw me about a foot in the air. Next thing i know i hit my crotch from my asshole to my balls, and this terrible pain racks me down there. That was Wed. Thursday i woke up with what i know to be a cist. It was baseball size. I was in excrutiating pain. Because of my transition status i could not be taken to a hospital. Thur, Fri, Sat, no sleep and the worst pain I’ve experienced in years. Sat afternoon caboosh it explodes. Blood, pus everywhere my stool, my coveralls, socks, boxers, shoes all ruined. It’s still bleeding…I’ll have to have it rinsed from the inside out. Plus i have a one inch gash that needs suturing also from the inside out. But although the rupture was pass out painful and God awful messy the relief was instantaneous. Whew!!! So now I’m wearing toilet paper man pads to keep from bleeding every where. They are probably tired of me ruining sheets and blankets boxers and coveralls. I know horrible right!

-Brent Brents 6-19-17

Leave a comment

Filed under Brents' writings

Tagged as blood, Brent, Brent Brents, Brents, pain, rack, racks

by Amy Herdy | March 13, 2014 · 11:06 am

if i block out their cries

Note from Amy–See the previous post. Brent Brents was captured in February 2005 after one final crime spree during Valentine’s Day weekend when he committed several rapes. He is referring to that here as well.

So February went quick for me this year. I still struggle w/ the memories, shame and guilt. I still won’t give up the memories, I’m pretty sure if i block out their cries, and looks of pain i would be avoiding whats most important. Empathy.

I do confess I don’t know alot about it, but i am growing into a man who feels other peoples pain.

-Brent Brents 2-24-14

Leave a comment

Filed under Brents' writings

Tagged as Brent Brents, Brents, empathy, guilt, pain, rape, rapes, shame