Tag Archives: crime

by Amy Herdy | June 26, 2018 · 2:29 pm

see spot get robbed at gun point, how does spot feel?

Hello all.

So last week i started this tv class. Victim Impact Listen and Learn. I watch the program on tv, then do the work assignments in the work book.

So to be truthfull, the work book half is boring. And doesn’t challenge my brain the way the questions i get on the blog do. They are basically like see spot get robbed at gun point, how does spot feel?

I’ve spent about 38 yrs in treatment programs of one kind or another. So the questions are too easy to answer. Spot is scared, he’s unsure of strangers, thinks he’s weak etc. He has to replace all his credit cards, drivers licence and so on.

Ok lets be real, i have a short attention span when i’m not challenged. So my answers although spot on, are w/ out much meaning. However i asked for this class. Why becouse of the video part.

The video features victims/ survivors of all types of crimes. Ranging from property crimes to rape, robbery, murder, child abuse, and domestic violence. This part challenges my mind and heart. I’m pretty new to actual empathy, and true compassion for people.

So any time i hear 1 of your/ their stories, feelings, thoughts, fears, ideas, etc. I learn from a different perspective than i did all those yrs ago. I feel the sarrow, empathy, hurt, betrayal, all of it. And am able to truly understand the impact i had on the people i hurt, their families, friends, and loved ones. The communities, law enforcement, every one.

I’m not letting it go in 1 ear and out the other. These past 10 or so yrs things really get to my heart, and i feel hurt and pain for those who suffer at the hands of criminals like me. So yes i’m doing this class as honestly as i can. The written part is getting easier as well. I still dont like the simplicity of the questions.

I do answer brutaly honest though. As w/ every thing, its the best policy in my case. Thank U to all of U who check this blog and use to help themselves and others.

Sincerely;

Brent.

5-17-18

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by Amy Herdy | May 31, 2018 · 10:41 pm

Replying to a reader: Describe your father in 1 word. Describe your mother in 1 word.

Michelle,

First of all thank U for sharing that experience w/ all of us. This must be the week where people challenge my thinking. Which i take seriously. I wish i could have found it in my heart to forgive my dad his wrongs on his death bed. Although i was not there, i know full well i had too much hate and bitterness toward him to do so.

I have struggled w/ that issue for years. Finaly being able to find some understanding and insight into him as i learn about myself and why i chose to be this way. We were both sick, scarred, and programed violently @ the hands of our parents. We both chose to be predatory instead of vulnerable.

I don’t know about him but i had chances to make the changes necessary to become a productive and compassionate individual. I chose hate and predation as my armor. I enjoyed hurting people. I was a coward just as he was. I could say it was my parents fault. Yet that would be total bullshit.

The truth is i (chose) this way of life. Although i have gained the ability to feel compassion and empathy for people. I still suffer the addiction to sexual violence. It is a shame i deal w/ daily.

So in one word how would i describe my father… ( Incapable ). Because he was controlling and manipulative right up to his death in 2004. And was incapable of change. I’m not sure if it was because he didn’t care to or that he had behaved violently and hurtfully for so long he just didn’t know how.

My mother…This one is easy. ( sick ). She was molested by her father, uncles, brothers. She was literaly used by the men in her family as a sexual apperatus. From a very young age. Then she marries my father. Horrible choice.

The woman only knew to equate love and sex as the same thing. The incest w/ me was her way of loving me. I dont really hate her for it. Although it was clearly a crime against myself. I not only enjoyed it, but i also equated this sexual behavior as love.

It was a sickness we shared. A way to love one another in his little private kingdom. I have forgiven her as well. My anger was not at what she did to me. Rather at her not working w/ me to hash it out.

To find a place of understanding between us. Where we could finaly put it all behind us and heal together and seperately. To exercise our own demons. And love one another as a mother and child should have from the beginning…

But the reality is shit happens. I made shitty choices that had absolutely nothing to do w/ the abuse i endured as a child. Broken system or not. I chose to be what i was. I am addicted to sexual violence. My brain is and has been fucked up for years.

That however is no excuse for how i chose to live my life. In a nut shell, the one word i would use to describe myself now: ( Learning ). How would i have described myself 14 years ago. ( Evil )!!!

So Michelle i hope i have provided some insight into myself, and how i see things. As for the abuse i went thru as a child. It honestly was not what made me who i was. Though it is easy to say my parents created an animal. Its simply not the case.

They are probably responsible for my sexually violent addiction. However i made the choice at around the age of 10 to be predatory. Because it gained me what they took from me. And that was my ability to control my own emotional safety and security. As well as my physical and sexual well being. I created me, i truly believe this.

Just as i am now recreating myself. Molding a compassionate and caring human being. And its not easy. But necessary.

-Brent Brents

1-24-18

————————————————————————————————

I read your book and still follow the blog, and find the story of Brent compelling, and so incredibly sad.

I have my own history of abuse at the hands of a parent, and luckily for me, my healing was healthy and empowering. I began to realize it was him who was damaged and sick. I look in the mirror every morning and I like who I am. I don’t know what he sees when he looks in his mirror … a couple of years ago, I was at his death bed, holding his hand as he approached mortality and I asked, “How would you describe your father in 1 word?” His response, “… distant … ” Ok, interesting… “How would you describe your mother, in 1 word?” “… Vain” and my eyes began to well up. He was raised by parents who were distant and vain. Jesus Christ, what had THEY done to HIM? and the empathy and compassion I felt for him, my abuser, was overwhelming … it literally washed over me that, he was not who he was supposed to be. Someone did something to change him. I don’t relieve him of his responsibility for those things done to me and others … but I had a window into the “why”…and the timeline of cause and effect.

I forgave the man. I will never forgive the acts. I loved him but I was afraid to be near him most of my life. I second guessed every comment, every intention…and I hated that, but it wasn’t of my choosing. I am so grateful that although it took until the end, I gained even more perspective and true forgiveness.

I look at Brent and I think, he was born a beautiful perfect little being … what the hell did they think they were doing, and creating out of him???? I don’t forgive his acts, they are his to own. But it sickens me that he was changed. He was forever altered through no fault of his own. I wonder how he would answer the questions:

Describe your father in 1 word.
Describe your mother in 1 word.

-Michelle

January 19, 2018

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by Amy Herdy | March 15, 2016 · 9:45 pm

i never realy meant for you to hurt so. But it helped me.

Note from Amy: For the first time, Brent Brents was recently able to read the book I wrote about covering his case, Diary of a Predator: A Memoir, which includes the correspondence between us leading up to his trial and immediately after, in which he told me about his crimes and his motivations for committing them. That correspondence, which was often painful for me to read, is what he’s referring to here:

Watching you suffer thru my hate and anguish realy tears at my heart. I think that had i realy understood just how deeply you were hurt by alot of that stuff, i would have held back and that would have led to B.S.

So i am glad you held alot of your feelings back. Because i realy never meant for you to hurt so. But it helped me.

I cried thru much of the book. Tears of anguish at the wasted and destroyed lives. And tears of joy at all the accomplishments…

I’ve finaly started a good life. It’s full of love, compasion and even empathy. I still don’t like many people. Mostly because most people I come in contact with are full of shit. Or have some screwed up motive for trying to befriend myself and others.

So yeah the book is a stark reminder of just how vulnerable i was and still am in ways. Plus a scary reminder of the hate and rage i am capable of having and storing up, and venting blindly.

-Brent Brents 1-20-16

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by Amy Herdy | November 12, 2014 · 11:29 pm

Reader Response: I know what abuse tastes like

Note from Amy: The following comment was sent to this Diary of a Predator website after the writer finished the book Diary of a Predator: A Memoir, last month:

Comment: It’s really annoying to see that some people aren’t getting the point of all this research. But then I think, not everyone can understand each other in the real world anyways. For example; when artists feel things, no matter how extreme, they know & have an “outlet.” They express emotion through personal passion in creativity. People who don’t possess such talents either don’t understand or choose not to understand.

I’m not saying that Brents is an artist, but I am saying that with every action in crime that he took, I can see him looking at his own reflection. I’m sad for what happens to everyone in their own personal experience with any type of abuse. And before anyone passes judgement on me, let me just say I’m still to this day sad & angry & hurt & pissed off because I know what abuse tastes like. I say taste because it hits closer to home. If I say feel, it seems too sentimental & sad, but if I say taste, people generally get the idea; once you put something in your mouth you know within SECONDS of whether you like it or not. You never go undecided. There’s no maybes once something hits your tongue. It’s either good, bad, happy or mad.

I was molested several times by several people throughout my life. And it was a range between family friends, friends & family. I was also abused by family members. Isn’t that crazy. Luckily I was born a “natural” (or whatever society considers me as a “natural”) artist so I knew & still know how to get my horrifyingly gross & ugly entities out in a more appropriate manner (or at least what society considers to be appropriate).

Anyways, my point is that it is amazing to see people’s comments & see how they don’t understand this kind of research, but it amazes me even more to see that the people who have had similar experiences as Brents & who, like me, actually “get it,” aren’t going crazy in their own skin (sometimes) or at least expressing or saying that they do go crazy. I understand the level of severity fluctuates upon each individuals own experience with abuse, but I’m just asking. I’ve gone through my own definition of hell & therapists too, but I think I turned out ok. If I was any less expressive in my artwork history, I think I probably would have gone a little off the charts. Maybe at least once. But I’ve kept my composure. I’m just wondering how you guys keep yours.

-Ilona

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by Amy Herdy | July 25, 2013 · 6:35 am

Amsterdam Reader: we must find a way toward a broader solution

Note from Amy: The following response is from the woman who started the loop of this conversation–the one living in Amsterdam. And I am heartened by the intelligent, thoughtful and respectful discussions that occur on this Diary of a Predator website, so thank you to those who care enough to speak up:

We are all together on this planet, and some of us have been more fortunate than others. I have had several family members violently attacked, so this is not written from a place unscathed; however, Christianity does teach forgiveness and not just when it is easy or convenient.

My perspective is not intended to allow the perpetrators a “pass”, but to acquire some level of understanding and knowledge which could help to prevent these abnormalities from developing and proliferating. If we are truly serious about finding solutions, throwing offenders into jail is just one part of the answer. Currently, a violent sexual offender is going to be released into American society after his stint in prison: has anything been done to rehabilitate this person? How will we cope with this “time bomb” if no intervention or therapy has been offered? Soon prisons will not be able to contain all of them.

In previous centuries mental illness was considered an evil, but education and research have shown that this “illness” can be treated with therapy and drugs. Human society is better for this improvement. The onset of AIDS had people living in fear and treating victims as pariahs, but research has developed new treatments and we are progressing toward eliminating this scourge. Could we not apply this type of thinking to this problem? Shouldn’t we as humans try to advance our understanding and knowledge?

I know Brent’s crimes are particularly difficult to come to terms with, and I do believe he belongs in prison, however, we must find a way toward a broader solution.

I am not Dutch, I was raised in Canada, but have spent most of my adult life in the United States where these crimes seem to be on the rise. Currently, I am living and working in the Netherlands from where I am writing this correspondence.

Sincerely, Theresa L.

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by Amy Herdy | July 24, 2013 · 8:31 am

Amsterdam Reader: I am interested in understanding perpetrators of violent crimes

Note from Amy: It’s always gratifying to receive encouraging notes like the one below sent from the Netherlands to this Diary of a Predator website after the viewer saw the Paula Zahn show about the Brent Brents serial rapist case. She asks an evocative question at the end:

Dear Amy,

I saw the segment on Paula Zahn yesterday and couldn’t get you and Brents out of my mind. I frequently have heated discussions with my partner when I am interested in understanding perpetrators of violent crimes, particularly crimes against women. All too often we are confused with being “soft” or “sympathetic.”

You are the first person I have encountered, other than Sr. Mary Prejean, who has a religious motivation, that wants to try understand perpetrators. I agree with the statement “hate the sin, but not the sinner.”

Bravo on your efforts! Where were all the Christians when he (Brent Brents) was being abused?

Sincerely, Theresa

Time: July 13, 2013 at 6:42 am

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by Amy Herdy | September 20, 2012 · 7:48 pm

Viewer: Forgiveness Does Not Mean That We Escape the Consequences

Note from Amy: I received this message to this website, Diary of a Predator, today, in response to what Brent Brents said about taking his medications. The referenced post is further down on this page called, “A better side of me.”

Dear Brent and Amy, i saw your story on tv a few days ago and i was drawn to it. Not that i love crime, but i so agree with Amy that Brent was most definitely not born with the crimes. I strongly believe that his parents shaped him that way. I’m so sorry for Brent but he sure has improved truckloads! I wanted to share something with him that i found heart warming. In the Bible there was a king, Manasseh, whom is discribed to have sinned grossly. Please take the time to read the account. 2Chronicles 33:1-20. Of special interest is verses 6 and 12-13. No matter the crime we do, if we ask forgiveness, the most important person will always listen… Never stop believing Brent that you will be forgiven. However, forgiveness does not mean that we escape the consequences of our actions. Please let me know what you think. And Brent, keep on improving. If it means using meds, then so be it. NOTHING to be ashamed of. Kind regards…

Fernanda

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by Amy Herdy | September 6, 2012 · 5:55 pm

Diary of a Predator Reader: “malicious evil acts…it Has to come from somewhere”

Note from Amy: A visitor sent two messages after reading Diary of a Predator: A Memoir, my true-crime account of serial rapist Brent Brents and the effects covering that case had on me. I combined them and am posting them here because she is exactly the sort of person I wrote Diary for. I love knowing that folks like her exist.

Amy,
Thank you for taking the time to write this moving and very real story. Fortunately, I do not have a disturbing past or work in an industry with those who do. I actually love my life and love my career. However, I was able to relate to you on 2 levels – spending more time working than with my two children and husband and the fact that I, too, believe everybody has a source of reference -some much worse than others.

I recommended this book to all of my friends on Facebook in an effort to help bring more awareness to the source of such evil that exists in our world. Thank you again. You are brave and I have an immense amount of respect for you.

As much as I wish I was an avid reader, I’m not. It takes a lot to hold my attention and I couldn’t put your book down. Trust me, this speaks volumes about you as a writer on so many levels. I absolutely believe without a doubt “he is a victim of our society as much as his victims are also a victim of society, he being the channel for the sickness to move through.” This is very sad and very true. I, too, believe he is a good soul, yet broken.

How did I learn about your book? I just bought a kindle not long ago and like many, I enjoy the conveniences technology has provided so I am able to buy books at the click of a button. 🙂 The title captured my interest and the fact that it has 4 1/2 stars. For whatever reason I gravitate to the darker autobiographies for the sheer fact that I am intrigued as to “why” these people do what they do – malicious evil acts…….it Has to come from somewhere.

Thank you again for writing this book. I finished yesterday and so far several of my friends are looking forward to the journey. As you might expect there are those who are afraid. I have made it clear that it’s a dark journey with an uplifting twist so they had nothing to fear.

Sincerely,

Stacy Kendall

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by Amy Herdy | July 22, 2012 · 4:46 pm

A Dream Realized: Barnes & Noble Book Stores Now Carrying Diary of Predator: A Memoir

Diary of a Predator: A Memoir at Barnes & Noble

Diary of a Predator: A Memoir is now available at Barnes & Noble book stores, such as this location in Boulder, Colo. | Photo by Amy Herdy

When I first started working on the true-crime book about serial rapist Brent Brents that became Diary of a Predator: A Memoir my husband told me he would no longer go to bookstores with me.

The reason? I would walk past some of the trite or atrocious titles on the shelves and start to feel depressed. It wasn’t that I thought Diary of a Predator was so much better; I was just convinced it had a story–and a message–that was worthwhile, and I fretted the book would never get a chance.

I hoped, but did not expect, that I would see it on the shelf of a major bookstore. Publishing statistics show there are more than 100,000 new books published every year, yet most bookstore chains (like Barnes & Noble) stock only a fraction of them–about 10,000 titles.

So I was very happily shocked when I got a call from a buyer for Barnes & Noble a few weeks ago. She said they planned to put Diary of a Predator: A Memoir in some of their top true-crime-selling stores around the country.

One such store is in Boulder, at 30th and Pear Street. I visited it the other day, and sure enough, there was Diary of a Predator: A Memoir, right on the shelf in the “True Crime” section. It’s hard to describe the feeling I got when looking at my book there on the shelf. Diary of a Predator: A Memoir is the culmination of a career covering crime and out of that, the five years I devoted to the stubborn notion that this book would inspire and educate people.

And that’s the most gratifying part of all: Hearing from folks that reading this book left them wanting to be a better person, or spread some good in the world.

So thank you, Barnes & Noble, for helping to get Diary of a Predator: A Memoir out there.

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