Tag Archives: survivor

Reader: i just watched your ted talk Have you ever met a Monster. I am a survivor of sexual assault

Comment: I do not know if you would read this but i just watched your ted talk Have you ever meet a Monster. I am a survivor of sexual assault (a word I have just been able to say).I became a survivor of course while dorming at college 5 years ago and then person who assaulted me was not a bad person at all. If anything i always blamed myself and felt bad for him even though i shouldn’t.

This has and still causes me many problems due to a sense of guilt and pity. I wanted to message you because that ted talk was so important. It was important to me to hear and important to everyone to hear. Thank you so much for sharing not only Margot story but also Brent.

-Anna

October 23, 2018

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see spot get robbed at gun point, how does spot feel?

Hello all.

So last week i started this tv class. Victim Impact Listen and Learn. I watch the program on tv, then do the work assignments in the work book.

So to be truthfull, the work book half is boring. And doesn’t challenge my brain the way the questions i get on the blog do. They are basically like see spot get robbed at gun point, how does spot feel?

I’ve spent about 38 yrs in treatment programs of one kind or another. So the questions are too easy to answer. Spot is scared, he’s unsure of strangers, thinks he’s weak etc. He has to replace all his credit cards, drivers licence and so on.

Ok lets be real, i have a short attention span when i’m not challenged. So my answers although spot on, are w/ out much meaning. However i asked for this class. Why becouse of the video part.

The video features victims/ survivors of all types of crimes. Ranging from property crimes to rape, robbery, murder, child abuse, and domestic violence. This part challenges my mind and heart. I’m pretty new to actual empathy, and true compassion for people.

So any time i hear 1 of your/ their stories, feelings, thoughts, fears, ideas, etc. I learn from a different perspective than i did all those yrs ago. I feel the sarrow, empathy, hurt, betrayal, all of it. And am able to truly understand the impact i had on the people i hurt, their families, friends, and loved ones. The communities, law enforcement, every one.

I’m not letting it go in 1 ear and out the other. These past 10 or so yrs things really get to my heart, and i feel hurt and pain for those who suffer at the hands of criminals like me. So yes i’m doing this class as honestly as i can. The written part is getting easier as well. I still dont like the simplicity of the questions.

I do answer brutaly honest though. As w/ every thing, its the best policy in my case. Thank U to all of U who check this blog and use to help themselves and others.

Sincerely;

Brent.

5-17-18

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Let me tell U as a survivor turned predator…being triggered…Can really suck.

Emily,

Let me tell U as a survivor turned predator. Being triggered by things we read, see on tv, see in dreams, smells, mens voices, places etc. Can really suck. I’ve experienced this, not too much in the last 20 + yrs. But as a predator i would be triggered by alot of the same memories and things, i was as a survivor. It is something that i’m sure you’ll probably experience again as you interact w/ and speak w/ others survivors as they relate their stories to U.

So dont be surprised on that front. Just stay strong and continue to grow. And remember this is for U and the others like U. As well as those of U currently suffering abuse. If U need to talk to Amy or i, or any one else dont hesitate. This was and is what this site is for.

As for assholes who go thru the legal system and beat it, well it happens Emily. Yes sports figures, tv and movie personalities, famous and rich get away w/ alot of shit. And yes they brag, often publicly accusing thier victims of wanting it, or liking it etc. Our society puts more value in these types of people than they do the victims and survivors of rape and abuse.

But it is changing Emily, slowly for sure, it is though. In the U.S. there is an ad campaign w/ famous sports figures who speak out against rape and abuse. Theres a college athlete campaign as well. A world famous tv dad has just been convicted of drugging and raping a woman.

Its slow going, nothing changes over night. And sadly U and i will be long buried before what we want happens. In the mean time My friend keep up the good fight for your own recovery and for the rest who need your help. Again thank U your courage is awesome.

Always here for U.

Brent.

-5-4-2018

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As a result of your latest post i have made the decision to not say that rape is worse than murder

Emily,

Hello there. I am excited to reply to your latest post. I wrote 1 reply already. But my stoopid tablet dumped the whole thing. 😦 Any way i must first thank U sincerely Emily. Your engaging Amy and i in these dialogues is awesome. As U know Amy and i had set goals from the start w/ the blog. Engaging people in honest and truthful dialogues about the tuff subject of rape and any and all types of other physical, mental, sexual, and verbal abuses was 1 of them.

These are not dialogues for the feint of heart. Your courage and willingness to put yourself, your story, and your healing process out there. Is freakin awesome. Believe me when i tell U there is one or more someones out there who have been and will be encouraged by your strength.

Ok about my thought and feeling that rape is worse than murder. It now seems disrespectful in a way. After reading your latest post. I have had to reevaluate my thinking. In that thinking i took for granted that the survivor has the power to heal. And the purpatrator was the weak one from the beginning.

U are correct. The survivor only gives credance to the emotional death if they choose to give the abuser the power over themselves. While i agree w/ this. I also acknowledge that not all survivors are emotionaly equiped to deal w/ this in the way U have.

That is why i believe it be truly inspiring and helpfull for people such as yourself to use this blog and others to speak out. As a result of your latest post i have made the decision to not say that rape is worse than murder. While debilitating to all survivors. Rape can be overcome. Where as murder is a permanent thing.

I also think that your coming to a place of forgiveness w/ your attackers is absolute growth. While thanking them has taken the power you gave them in your emotional recovery. Please continue to engage us in these dialogues. One more thing Emily, if time petmits. Will U please read the posts from other survivors.

-Brent Brents

January 23, 2018

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Reader: I honestly believe that he wanted to be different than the person he became

I read your book and have followed the blog on and off over the years but not every post. In the book I noticed that one of the themes was that Brent “fell through the cracks” and that he never got the support for his own abuse.

My question is if he ever spoke about being locked up as a teen in a Youth program for violent and sexual offenders. C.A.T House. (Closed Adolescent Treatment Center)?

I do know that he was there for rape and that he was given every opportunity possible for some sort of rehabilitation and a chance to steer himself to a different life. The program at the time was the most successful program for youth offenders in the country.

I struggle with the idea that he had been totally cast aside because the truth is somewhat different from my perspective. Each individual is affected differently and someone wanting to change is critical but I do know he had the opportunity.  I may have missed it in the book but was curious if this was something he spoke to you about?

I have thought about sending this on and off over the years because I am torn in the idea that it is important for people to understand but also in the idea that he does not deserve a platform to manipulate and seek further attention. I do know that we have to help change the culture and environment that creates predators/victimizer’s and most importantly victims.

I appreciate your diligence in bringing a story forward that nobody really wanted to know or hear but is important to be told. Not for Brent but for all of the victims and for all of those who were abused and never found a voice.

Thank you,
Jason

January 5, 2018

——————————

Hello, Jason,

I will try to address your questions and concerns in order.

The first is that one of the themes of the book is that Brent “fell through the cracks.” While I do believe the facts of his case support that statement–that he was removed from an abusive home, and then returned–I don’t know that I would call it a theme. The themes of the book, in my opinion, are abandonment, generational patterns of abuse, the effects of both victimization and predatory behavior, and transformation that involves compassion and empathy.

Please do not misunderstand that I feel sorry for him. If you’re looking for clarity on how I feel about him and his case, you may want to read “The Story” on the website, in which I say in part:

“Where does the blame belong? It belongs to Brents, certainly, for his choices. And what of his parents, and their parents before them, who perpetuated the cycle of incest, domestic violence and child abuse?”

The book does not say, nor have I, that he never got support for his own abuse. He has said that he was given the chance for therapy and treatment–I do not recall him specifically mentioning the C.A.T. House, although I could ask him–and that by the time it was offered, he was not interested.

I do not believe that he was totally cast aside. I do believe him when he says that by the age of 9, his brain was broken, and that he chose to be a predator because it gave him a feeling of power, and that was more appealing than feeling like a victim.

I stay in touch with Brents, and post blogs from him, not to give him a platform to seek attention or be manipulative, but to show some of the causes of why he became predatory; that he is, indeed, human; and to illustrate his case, because so many elements of it are indicative of what’s wrong with our social justice system. I understand you object to the blog, and I appreciate you taking the time to tell me; however, please know that I will continue it.

I also appreciate the fact that you have obviously had some experience with this topic and cared enough to write. I now have a question for you: Would you object to my posting your letter on the website? I would not include your email address, of course. Let me know.

Last, I absolutely agree with you that we have to change the culture that creates predators and therefore, survivors.

Here’s to hoping for a brighter future.

Regards,

Amy

January 5, 2018

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 Hi, Jason,

I had a chance to talk to Brents today, and he does remember being in the C.A.T. House. And he remembers a Jason who was serving time there, too, and spoke well of him.

If that’s you, then he sends a greeting.

Also, please let me know if it’s OK with you if I post your letter.

Regards,

Amy

January 12, 2018

—————————–

Hello Amy,

I do not want to create any issues for any of his victims or for you or lastly Brent,  so I will leave it to your judgement as to what is appropriate to post.

I was in the C.A.T House with Brent.  I know that the program, truly gave him/myself and others the chance to be better people and to change. While I do not think we can ever make amends for the wrongs we have done, we can live a life that serves others as well as ourselves. Has accountability and promotes healing of our own damage and demons.  That was a fundamental part of the program.

I do understand that some people were not in the place to change, did not want to change or perhaps were too broken to change. I can not say for anyone but myself.  I just wondered why it was something he never mentioned as it was a large portion of time for him (2 plus years I believe of intensive daily 24-7 treatment)

I can say that I have seen both sides of Brent from the perspective of a child, it breaks my heart that he continued to create more victims and I am beyond angry at who he chose to become. I am grateful that he is in a place where he has less opportunity to cause harm to others.

That being said,

I  also mourn for that young man who never lived a different life, he had hopes and dreams and at least then… I honestly believe that he wanted to be different than the person he became. I understand a minuscule amount of that abuse he suffered and I appreciate him being open about it.  My hope is that it will help to stop those who abuse children and those who will become abusers.  I hope that Brent finds some peace and can make what remains of his life valuable to himself and those that he involves himself with.  He still has a choice how he faces each day. I do think he can still use his life for the better, perhaps if he is being true this forum is just that.

I am going to read your book again tonight for some additional clarity.  I watched your T.E.D talk and I applaud you for continuing to wade into a subject that most people who have not experienced have little interest in talking about as it is not shiny and pretty. More so for those who have experienced it and were/are to broken and  ashamed to think they might deserve/need help before it is too late for themselves or someone else.

Thank you for the clarification and answers to my questions. In reading over them I think I could of been far more articulate and specific and have used less of a broad brush. I was mostly referencing my experience with Brent in his teens but I was about as clear as mud.  I  apologize for not being clear, it was uncomfortable to write and I should of taken more time. I do not think you felt sorry for him. I appreciate the balance you were able to find. Much like the Staff at the C.A.T house, my  perspective is that while condemning the acts and behavior, you were able to set that aside to see the larger picture and why it is important to share and attempt to educate. But also to see a young boy who before becoming a predator was preyed upon.

Thank you,

Jason

January 13, 2018

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I carry no shame for what someone else did to me

From a reader: I want to disclose am a survivor. I do not hide this fact. I carry no shame for what someone else did to me. However I do not typically feel the need to share the fact either. The truth is most people do not know this about me. I know that what you do as to Brent Brents revolts many people. Their response is a result of fear. When you look into the abyss … I am not sure how much if any positive feedback you receive. I wanted to tell you from the perspective of a survivor that I believe you are on to something. How can we begin to heal this epidemic if we cannot grasp any understanding of it? Keep up the good fight.
-Beau, Wednesday, Nov. 29, 2017 8:52 p.m.

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Survivor: “I have been trying to find the courage to speak about having compassion for perpetrators of violence”

Comment: Hi Amy Herdy,
Your Ted talk led me to this website. As a survivor of childhood sexual abuse, I want to thank you so much everything that you have brought to light in the talk and in writing, as I feel that it is something that needs to be said. I have been trying to find the courage to speak about having compassion for perpetrators of violence like this, because while it is hard to learn to forgive, there is a fact that I truly believe in: every person who does harm has been harmed.

I strongly believe this because of the stories I was told throughout my childhood by people who abused me. Almost every single one of them had a story about being abused as children, and they would often tell it to justify why they were hurting us. As a child, I was “trained” in very specific ways in how to abuse other children and in how to recruit children to bring back to sick adults to be abused. I have watched cousins and childhood friends turn to addiction and take on masks of mental illness to try to disguise what happened to us as children.

The reason that I feel compassion in spite of the anger about my life, is that, had it not been for a couple of extremely loving adults in my childhood who balanced out the pain, I cannot say that I would have turned out any differently than those who abused me. I experienced abuse as a sickness that is passed from generation to generation or from person to person. The difference with sexual abuse is that, unlike having a leg cut off and bleeding all over the place for the world to see, it is something that is so stigmatized and set in the category of “sexual.”

Knowledge of healthy sexual relationships isn’t something that children are typically exposed to as it is. But this is not a “sexual” thing. It is a “power” thing. In my experience, sexual abuse has more to do with one person feeling so powerless in themselves that the only way that they feel like they can have any sense of power in life is through taking advantage of others who are more vulnerable to them. This is the sickness.

In our society, we treat the symptoms of this sickness by throwing perpetrators and victims in jail, instead of trying the much simpler path of prevention. It makes way more sense to help children than to try to patch together broken adults. Thanks again for your work.

-Hannah

Time: June 29, 2017 at 6:42 pm

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Have You Ever Met a Monster, Part IV: Our society cares more if a sexual assault victim is the right kind of victim

Brent BrentsBrents has often said that by the time he was 9, his brain was broken.

What if someone had intervened in his life early on? A teacher? A neighbor? How could no one have noticed that boy who went to school with bruises, smelling like urine because he had wet the bed the night before rather than creep down the hall to the bathroom and risk waking his father?

If you help an abused child, you might be preventing a lifetime of pain—for more than one person.

So many people live in what I call “garage houses”—where the garage is the dominant feature. They pull up to their garage at night, the door goes up, their car goes in, and the door comes down. They stay inside their house until they leave the next day. They can’t tell you the name of the family down the street. They won’t interact and they sure won’t intervene.

What if we dared to care—without hesitation, without condition?

It’s a harsh truth that our society cares more if a sexual assault victim is the right kind of victim. Remember how police told Margaret the DNA from her case would sit on a shelf for at least two months? When Brents attacked victims in a high-income neighborhood, the DNA was processed within hours.

Lady Justice might be blind, but she can sure have a champagne taste.

Margaret and I talked often while her case wound its way through the court system. During a hearing in July 2005, Brents pleaded guilty to Margaret’s attack.

Like many survivors who struggle with Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, Margaret was terrified of leaving her house. She had flashbacks, nightmares. She couldn’t hold down a job. Her marriage fell apart.

On the day before the hearing, Margaret asked me to deliver a message to Brents for her, and I agreed. And this was her message:

“Tell him…I forgive him.”

It’s stunning, isn’t it? How could she forgive this man who wounded her so, who nearly took everything from her?

She said, “I’m not feeling bad for the man who tried to kill me, but for the little boy who had the same thing happen to him.”

And she said, “Hating is not hard. But if I go on hating him, I will never get over it.”

Then she added, “If it was me, I would want people to try to help me or try to listen to me and not just look at me like I’m an animal or a monster.

She inspires me. If Margaret can forgive Brent Brents, we can forgive anybody.

This case had a profound effect on my life.

It taught me that we’re all connected, and turning our backs on others is really abandoning ourselves.

It made me realize that I didn’t like the journalist I had become. It was actually Brents who pointed out to me that he and I had something in common: We were both driven.

I quit that job shortly after his case ended. I will never again work in a newsroom because the desperate competition for ratings is unhealthy for me, in many ways.

And I no longer knock on a survivor’s door unless I’m invited.

I began interviewing Brents because as a journalist who has spent a lifetime reporting on sexual violence, I wanted an answer to the question, “Why?”

He began as a bug under a microscope–and that’s what I told him.

He became a lesson in humanity and compassion.

Even so-called “monsters” have things they’re afraid of.

Brents wrote me about his. He said,

“My biggest fear is that I will die (pause) without ever having done anything  good.”

That’s why I tell this story. Thank you for listening.

BRENT J. BRENTS -- At age 13

BRENT J. BRENTS — At age 13

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Right Now: Tell Congress to Do the Right Thing by Military Sexual Assault Survivors and Pass the Military Justice Improvement Act

Do you want to help survivors of military sexual assault? Then take a moment to read this, and then click on the link to contact your local representative in Congress and tell them to vote for the Military Justice Improvement Act.

Few people want to get involved regarding the issue of rape. That’s one of the reasons why it’s such an ongoing crisis in our country–it’s got crippling stigma attached to it, and shame, and victim-blaming. Nowhere is that more pronounced than in our military.

invisible warI’m on the email list for director Kirby Dick and producer Amy Ziering, the creators of the outstanding documentary, “The Invisible War,” a film about the crisis of sexual assaults within the U.S. military. I’m interviewed in the film because of my work covering the issue, primarily the series I coauthored at the Denver Post called “Betrayal in the Ranks.”

Right now, the Invisible War team is sending out this call for action. Please read it, and please respond. If you visit this website, it means on some level you care about this issue. So please take the time to do something about it.

———————————————————————

From Kirby and Amy:

It’s been a busy few weeks here in our Los Angeles office, in Washington, and across the country when it comes to sexual assault. As we watch the conversation unfold and expand in the news, we know there is so much more to do to make sure survivors everywhere get the justice they deserve.

Let’s start with Washington, DC. This week the Pentagon released their annual survey on sexual assault. The report was damning.

It found:

  • Less than 3 of 10 service members have enough trust in the system to report a crime.
  • Two-thirds of those who did report an assault say they faced some form of retaliation, and
  • The number of service members willing to put their name on a report decreased when compared to last year.

This is unacceptable and exactly why Congress must pass the Military Justice Improvement Act (MJIA) and fix this broken system.

Our men and women in uniform deserve better. They deserve justice. And this week Congress has a chance to see that they get it. Before the end of the week the Senate will vote on the National Defense Authorization Act (NDAA). This gives them another opportunity to do the right thing and pass the MJIA. Take a minute now and send Congress a message that it’s past time to deliver justice for military sexual assault survivors.

CLICK HERE and tell Congress to pass the Military Justice Improvement Act today.

_PassMJIA.png

But it’s not just the military, or Congress, that has work to do.

When we toured the country to screen THE INVISIBLE WAR we visited dozens of college campuses and met with thousands of students and began hearing stories from survivors of campus sexual assault. Like the stories that inspired us to make THE INVISIBLE WAR, their stories were powerful, poignant and we realized, all too common. We knew we had to take action.

So we began work on another film, this time to shine a light on the epidemic of campus assault. We’re honored so many courageous survivors and advocates have trusted us to bring their stories into the light, and we are thrilled to share that our new film, THE HUNTING GROUND, is premiering next month at the Sundance Film Festival.

The #NotInvisible community has been an incredible source of support for survivors of sexual assault — in the military and beyond. We hope that THE HUNTING GROUND will create a space for a new community to come together. And we hope you’ll be a part of that conversation too.

Together, we can help ensure that no survivor –- whether a service member or a student, has to stand alone. Together, we are #NotInvisible.

Thank you for all you do,
Amy and Kirby

Amy and Kirby, THE INVISIBLE WAR
http://www.notinvisible.org/

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Reader: I once was a victim of rape. I’m no longer a victim

Note from Amy: The following message is testament that the book Diary of a Predator: A Memoir has a profound effect on survivors:

Hi Amy,

I am moved by your work. No, not by your work as a writer – but the amount of inner work you’ve done to expand your compassion to include the suffering human beings within all the victims of rape, perpetrator included.

I once was a victim of rape. I’m no longer a victim because I was able to find compassion for my perpetrator. I believe it literally dissolved the toxic cells within my body to allow a new space, or perhaps, a renewed space to exist.

It’s interesting to me that so much is put upon the entity “forgiveness”. It always felt somehow abstract, like a word created by man, but allusive to behold in my body. Compassion though has true relevance, true power.

I could go on and on. I’ll just stop here by saying, thank you for your work that you put into this world: this truly panoramic embracing of humanity. I feel bigger and brighter and wider by the experience. You are giving all of us this opportunity.

Diedrich

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