OK I wrote this thing on grief. Hopefully it makes Sense. I didn’t write it until i felt it was Natural and Not forced. I know i don’t think or see feelings like most people. So i can’t force things.
Like empathy its an emotion i struggle with. I have grief for lost grandparents and friends, and even pets.
I have a guilt about Grieving for my lost childhood, due to the abuse i went thru. I became a sexual being much to soon, so i lost the discover that comes with a young man’s virginity. I also did cause others to go thru the same grief.
My years in school were Not pleasant. I really Miss Not having a Normal school life. I wanted to be in 4H and play baseball, and football, go to prom, Graduate, and eventually go to College. But i was literaly to stoopid to go to college.
Oh I’m Not feeling sorry about school. I simply grieve the growth i missed. I educated myself acedmecly during my years in prison. OK so i need spell check to be installed in my brain on a permanent basis. But i feel good that i have a much wider education than many kids get today. And I am sad for them.
With my educational growth as a young adult i also grew emotionaly. The bad part is i embraced distructive emotions. These emotions Blocked me from being rational. I couldn’t be empathetic, or grieve normaly. Anger and rage, selfishness and refusal to take off my blinders, Black and White thinking, Abusive behavior etc. These I used to protect myself from the real threats of Grief, heartbreak, empathy. The Simple ability to feel anything other than self loathing and hatred for others.
Once i started letting myself experience grief without an anchor or rage or hatred, I was litteraly able to take a deep breath and release it, and know I’m OK.
So when i hear a story or see a TV show about something i missed in life, I know its ok to Grieve for it and not Let rage and hatred control my reactions.
So I may be wierd because i like grief. But liking it rather than Not being able to breathe, because i can’t get past rage and hatred. Yea i can live with being ok with grief and the natural feelings it causes.
Brent Brents 10-14-12