Time to a child is short. Never enough time to enjoy the good stuff. Throw rape and beating in there and there is too much time. It moves slow and each thrust or gag or punch or kick seemed to be like slow motion. Did i ever tell i stole Toothpaste. Brushing wasn’t a big thing in our home but a good glob of the good old Colgate never let you down after a mouth full of his cum.
It’s got to be a big puzzle to this guy (officer) why i acted the way i did. The only thing he did wrong was to let me get him with his back to the wall. Other wise he did everything right. The punch? Well sometimes we make choices based on our feelings. I was purposely imposing my size and being physically and verbally threatening to him. So sure i understand the punch.
-Brent Brents 1-30-17
Category Archives: Brents' writings
Never enough time to enjoy the good stuff. Throw rape and beating in there and there is too much time.
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I keep waking up at night with these dreams about old shit
Me, I’m singin the square box blues. Na not really. Still pissed at myself for the whole bullshit. I really hate being manic. Damn it sucks. I wish there was a Pill or a shot that worked specifically to stop it in its tracks. Hey I’m Feeling manic, ok bend over and take this shot in the hip. It’ll hurt you worse than it will hurt me! Says the Doc.
Fuck I’m lookin back at this whole situation and the fight part I can’t remember. But the whole discussion up to it i do. What a punk i was being. Poor kid man. I’m just Glad this wasn’t 10 or twelve years ago. Jees what would i have done then. And my verbal combat skills are Samuri Sharp. So baiting him was to easy. I got to tell you though i was really shocked he hit me. I was like: Why you little pipsqueak pion, You dare hit mua, me. God among men, immortal soul. You Fuckin hit me. Ok This is where all sense of reality just stepped aside Litteraly. Like i said all of a sudden i saw Ron hitting Punching me. The worse part is now I’m having sleepless nights because i am dreaming about that (Ron hitting). Or me hitting…Even way back. I keep waking up at night, with these dreams about old shit. And They are aged right dreams. Like the first time he hit me because i got between him and Carol. I was already confused as to why he hated mommy so much. To me mommy was a princess who could do no wrong. But that night i learned fear.
-Brent Brents 1-30-17
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i hated his ugly little hood rat glasses so i smashed them too
Dear Amy,
So yes, i fucked up big time. Did i plan for it? No! Was i fully aware? To a point. Yet i just did not have control of my mind. When the young man hit me i was nonplussed. Confused. Like what the hell did he hit me for. Clearly i had put my hand down and was on the retreat. But my mind went way back in time to when Ron hit me in the face and hurt me really bad. This kid was weak Amy barely any force behind the punch. But i saw Rons huge fist slam into the left side of my cheek, and this blinding rage hit me so hard so deep that i was going to kill this kid. And I comenced to do just that. I don’t really remember what i did but it was bad. My knuckles are still scabbed over and painfully swollen. Almost 30 days later. I was officially arrested and released into DOC custody. The DA has not said explicitly what for. It really doesn’t matter. I will plea to whatever they bring.
I’m very sorry i disapointed you. I can’t explain the rage. I know it was partly PTSD related…Man what a fuckin idiot i am. I just can’t figure it out why can’t i stop it when i see it coming. I makes no sence. My brain was screaming at me to just Just listen to him. But my hate and bitterness over road all senses. I scared the poor kid and he punched me. I deserved it i know that i did. I bated him into it. What really surprised me is that i didn’t end up pretty broken up under that pile of 10 cops. My right face and forehead were road rashed and my back was a bit sore from the knees. But oh i hated his ugly little hood rat glasses so i smashed them too.
I don’t know where my head is at Amy. Mostly disapointed and pissed off at myself. I Don’t Know what going to happen. But when i do I’ll let you know. L ya Rockstar.
-Brent Brents 1-9-17
Note from Amy: This letter followed a phone call where I was told that Brents had beaten a prison guard, who thankfully was not killed but was indeed injured.
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Prison is no longer about punishment. It is a business, world wide.
These days its children who are coming through the gates. Fresh faced. some already hardened little criminals. Gang members, murderers, rapists, and drug dealers, and users. Prison is no longer about punishment. It is a business, world wide. I keep hearing this statement from Inmates. The judge sent me here that was my punishment. Not all these stupid rules we have to follow, and do what these stooped cops tell me to do.
I won’t lie people, there are purely idiotic people on each side of the divide. Stooped barely covers the extent of their choices. There is a lot of tit for tat negativity between inmates and staff. There is hatred that permeates the air in prison. I actually sit and watch all of these things happen each day. Its senility on this grand scale. My days are pretty interesting. Don’t get me wrong, I too have my share of issues. I have serious problems with authority. I am very impatient with ignorance, and ignorant people. Especially if they know what they are doing is just plain fucked up.
Prison is what you make of it. You can make it hell for yourself, or find a way to navigate your way thru the bullshit. Seeing a fight, a sexual encounter, a drug transaction, inmates so high they nod out in chow halls and day rooms. Even here in the yard. All I can say is what a world it is in prison.-Brent Brents 9-4-16
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it takes animals to control animals
So I like to sit in the yard and think about things on a meaningful level. Years ago I would sit in prison and all I thought of were drugs, drinking, fucking prostitutes, rape,violence. You name it i bet it crossed my mind back then.I do get scared sometimes these days because someone gets smart. And like you said, i do have a smart mouth. And years ago I was pretty capable of backing it up. Now not so much. Plus another fight for me is a death sentence. I just don’t think I could do the rest of my life behind a cell door without serious mental health issues. And I am pretty sure I would choose suicide over living in a cell for what’s left of my life.
I have often likened being in prison, to an animal living in a cage. Or a zoo if you will. People come and walk by your enclosure. They don’t care for you, they have little to no compassion for you. They just want to see the animal up close, and safely away from it. Prison isn’t really “Fun”. Its not meant to be. It does what it was intended to do. (Confine you ) Punish, well you could make a case that it does have the ear marks of punishment. Truth be told, it takes animals to control animals. This isn’t meant insultingly. Think about it, what type of individual wants to work to retirement as a prison guard. There has to be some kind of disconnect in the brain. One that allows you to come to work each day and do what normal people would not. Looking at genitals one or more times a day, during strip searches. Searching cells daily. Sitting countless hours on your ass getting fat. Having to break up violent confrontations involving knives (Shanks ) in prison lingo. Fist fights. Witnessing death ( usually violent ) more often than a person should. You often see these TV programs like Lockup or Jail. What is often shown is an inth of the true realities of prison life.
-Brent Brents 9-4-16
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You should have a healthy reserve for the guy fresh out of prison
So the prison I’m in is 75% sexual offenders. And people let me be flat out honest. You should have a healthy reserve for the guy fresh out of prison. Most really don’t give a fuck about you, or any one else. Child sex offenders will find there ways to vulnerable children. Rapists will rape. Drug addicts will do unspeakable acts if they think it will get them their dope. Gang members will walk out the doors and go right back to the gangs. Shooting each other, and innocent people. Its frickin scary to just sit there and listen to the conversations, and watch the behavior.
I think about just how much alike I was to these people. Oh don’t get me wrong, if I were to stop doing what I do each day. I would still be the same as they are. In fact the only thing that separates me from their behavior, is my faith. My belief in our lord Jesus Christ. And the twelve steps of NA. And my knowing I can never ever stop living the life style I live now.
Its truly amazing how much clarity one can achieve when they put forth the effort to become a better human being. Exercising integrity without reservation in every thing you do. Be humble no matter what. Be truthful in all your affairs. Be honest and critical of yourself. Most of all love genuinely.
So I realize I will always be sexualy deviant in my thinking. Maybe not to the extant I was. But I still sometimes have rape fantasies. Yet I really don’t think about sex to often. When I get pissed off, I sometimes have the fantacies or thoughts about raping or hurting the person I am mad at.
So I’ve come a long way from the person I was twelve years ago. I really believe in the thought that true acceptance of self, only comes with a very thurough and honest willingness to look at ones self and not hold any thing back.-Brent Brents 8-25-16
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What got me off was the power I could exercise over people
I made choices based on prior encounters with bad human beings, just like myself. I used my abuses as excuses to brutalize people. And I knew exactly what pain and horror I created in these peoples lives both physically and emotionally.
In the bible it teaches us not to lead little children astray. For it is an abomination in the lords eyes. To love thy neighbor as we would have them love us. Not to murder, covit thy neighbors wife, lie, cheat steal, etc.
Yet as I sit here thinking about what I see in here every day I am more disgusted with myself. Because I have always known and have had compassion for animals, and people. I know BS right. Its true though. when I was being beaten or raped by my father, or fucking my mom, or raping some other human being. I knew right from wrong. What got me off was the power I could exercise over people.-Brent Brents 8-25-16
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The sex offenders like to use the excuse, oh it was the drugs.
I will see many come and go as I spend my life in prison. I’ll see many of them get out, only to hurt someone else and come back. Not just once or twice. Several times, behind a crime that usually ends up being drug or gang related. The sex offenders like to use the excuse; oh it was the drugs. We all know that’s a load of horse shit.
So in NA tonight I spoke about feeling hysterical sometimes when I get real manic. I realized that I get hysterical about small problems. And I turn them into big unnecessary problems. I really didn’t like realizing that about myself. But I will tell you this. I love my NA. Just sitting there sometimes I here a person speak and I get insights into my own thoughts and feelings. It is interesting how alike we all are. Yet most of us intensely insist, (We are not like those guys!) When we are the same in so many ways. Meth addicts often become sexualy addicted. Or addicted to sugar. Some of us heroin addicts tend to have to take a crap Right before we fix, or on our way to score dope.
So where am I going, well as an addict I have victimized more people than I realized. Selling heroin to people, victimizes them and their families, friends, and others in their lives. Not to mention the victims they will create when they get desperate for their fix. Because as we all know, addicts will do any thing to get their dope. And yes sexual deviance is a huge part of a great deal of addicts lives. Whether they will admit it or not. I’m not saying addiction makes sexual deviance excusable. Quite the opposite. Drugs often bring a persons true colors to light.-Brent Brents 8-25-16
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It is creepy some times to hear the depths of violence and hatred that is spoken
I was sitting in the yard the other day. Just watching every one and every thing. Listening to words and conversations as people passed by. Its is creepy some times to hear the depth of violence and hatred that is spoken and communicated. As I sat there I thought of the countless victims we are all responsible for. Known and unknown. All the hurt we’ve caused so many thousands of people here alone. Not to mention the hidden damage we’ve caused our families friends and other innocent people. Its a brutal reality when you get right down to the plain truth of it all. Then one has to think about the lasting effects of their hate and violence.
The children’s lives, we’ve violated them in so many ways. Sexualy, physically, Mentally. And it is a life time of violation. Sure we may only do it once. Rape one child or adult, murder someones family member, rob some person or place. These things leave a wake of damage. Often there is no one to help repair the emotional trauma.
-Brent Brents 8-25-16
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What would Brent Brents tell his younger self? “That the empathy he has, and is about to abandon is crucial to becoming a man”
So what would I tell the younger me. Honestly that would depend on what age were talking about. I suppose it really wouldn’t be that complicated. I was a pretty savy individual at the age of ten.
So first thing would be run, and run far. And stay away. I have put a lot of thought into the years between ten and thirteen. Being beaten wasn’t nearly as damaging to me as the rape. The rape taught me how to be deviant. And it was about this time I learned it could cause much more than just physical pain. I began to get an understanding of emotional abuse.
So I think I would like this kid to know that the secret world of abuse was not shameful or ok. I would tell him that the empathy he has, and is about to abandon is crucial to becoming a man. I would tell him that he should tell every one he could about the abuse at home. Every time, and not give up in that pursuit at getting his life back…
Even though I was savy, I wasn’t mentally capable of dealing with the the emotional conflict inside. Even then I couldn’t deal with the ridicule, and I got enough of it as it was. I suppose the biggest thing would have been nurturing the empathy I did have. Had I done that. Maybe I would be writing this in the comfort of my own home, instead of a prison cell. So yes I would yell that kid to love every one and every thing. Have those painful feelings when he sees wrong. And feel empathy and embrace it like his life counted on it.
-Brent Brents 7-23-16
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Diary of a Predator 