The DR is now two weeks late on seeing me. She said the second of June. I know she has alot of us to see. And its not easy. But i am Not liking the medication process right now. These Mood swings are 2005 Mood Swings. If the drugs make it worse when they stop working i might not Make it.
I was really Feeling ok for a bit. Even with the side effects of the Zoloft i liked Not having to worry about the physical part of the one problem. What if they can’t find a non Zombie combination of Meds Amy .I don’t want to be one of those people who i saw at the state hospital when i was there. They were so pathetic and barely human.
I can’t understand why the Depakote just shut off. And i hate the intensity of the Mood Swings. I’m walkin a fine line.
–Brent Brents, 6-17-11
Category Archives: Brents' writings
I’m walkin a fine line
Filed under Brents' writings, Prison
Someone shut off the Medication works button
So why no writing you ask. Well Sometime last week its as if Someone shut off the Medication works button. I’ve been back on the roller coaster and it hasn’t been pleasant.
–Brent Brents, 6-16-11
Filed under Brents' writings
my Bipolar disorder and Compulsive behavior
6-12-11
Sir on my treatment plan it says i need help and to work on Mental health issues. I am working with Dr on medication and that aspect stabulizing my Bipolar disorder and Compulsive behavior disorder. But how can i get the other stuff done if mental health treatment is Not offered? …Any ideas on counseling or other options? Thank you.
-Offender’s kite, or note of a request or complaint, written by Brents
Response from Dept of Corrections: I will try to pull you out this week or next to discuss your concerns.
Filed under Brents' writings, Prison, Psychiatric evaluations
being a Normal human being is No easy thing
I did know by definition what Empathy was then. I went thru to many sexual offender programs and Anger management courses and counseling sessions Not to. I knew that i should have listened to my gut when it said what i was about to do was wrong. Yes i had a clear sense of right and wrong. I think i even had a tiny bit of empathy. But on an ignorant scale. 911 i was shocked and hurt. When my favorite race car driver died i cried. I had more feelings for the suffering of animals than i did people.
I can’t say if it has been that i am finaly maturing. My facing the hard truth bout myself. The love and care that my friends and i share, or the simple willingness to open myself up and explore Me regardless of what i or anyone else discovers. That have given me the ability to experience Empathy. I like to think it is a combination of all.
But what i do recognize is that being a Normal human being is No easy thing and i used to many excuses to be “Not Normal” And Caused far to many people to suffer needlessly.
— Brent Brents
Filed under Brents' writings, Prison
i am damn glad i can feel what i do
I have been asked this question, Amy has. So Many people wonder if violent people are capable of Empathy. I feel ashamed of my answer to be honest. It is Not easy to say that it really is a question of my Mental State. I want to give a resounding “yes!” But That would only be a lie.
As for the why or why Not i leave that to those who are in a position to study and learn such things. As for me i am damn glad i can feel what i do of empathy when i do. Because when i do the world sure is better. And i don’t feel like a giant creep. He the creep i hate. He is unfortunately me and i really wish he wasn’t. Regardless of what people think, I Never did enjoy what i did. That was a very violent, bitter, angry and emotionally screwed up animal. One who hurt people and None of those people deserved that.
— Brent Brents
Filed under Brents' writings, Prison
It really depends on my state of mind
So here it is the emotion that the proffesionals say i am encapable of. The one that drives much of the deserved hatred for me, The one that most human beings have and live a great deal of their lives having for one another.
Empathy! Am i a sociopath, violent sexual predator and violence addicted human being capable of having it. The very truth is Yes and No. I can’t judge this for the Bundy’s or Manson’s or the rest who so easily destroy people’s lives as i have.
Yet i can tell you that all of what i have done tears at me daily. Even though a part of my brain is really really screwed up and is aroused by these same acts of sick perverted violence. To tell you i understand empathy would be an outright lie. Nor do i understand why my brain reacts to sexual to violent sexual abuse the way it does. I am not sure how to express the empathy for the things that happen when i do feel it.
Example, a couple of years ago i was watching the news and the lead story was about how a drunk driver crossed the center line killing five out of six members of a family. I cried and cried for those people. And i was angry that this guy left this child without her family. I was really hurt at her loss. Me, what gives me the right to have these feelings? When my friends have issues in their families i feel for them. Wish i could do something to help and feel helpless when i can’t.
Likewise i am still quick to become bitter and hateful and feel the same kind of rage i once did. I have a better handle on it but i am without empathy at these times. So can i have (Feel) be capable of empathy like the rest of the Normal people do. All i can say is answer is Yes and No. It really depends on my state of mind.
— Brent Brents
Filed under Brents' writings, Prison
Did you know i count people’s footsteps?
So I have been keeping track of my compulsive behaviors for the psych. Did you know i count people’s footsteps? They think i am watching them and the truth is i am watching there feet. I didn’t know this for a while. There are alot of odd things i have discovered. I will only peel oranges with my left hand even though i am right handed and i try to Make it in one continuous piece. So many odd compulsions. I Never Knew i was so bad.
-Brent Brents, 5-27-11
Filed under Brents' writings, Prison
Troy’s story
Troy wrote to us in September and started a dialogue.
Hi Amy and Brent,
As an abused child myself,I was bizarre to read the chronicles from Mr. Bren’t childhood. For years after being beaten,sexually and emotionally abused it was clear to me that society is in part to blame for ignoring obviously beaten child when they are right in front of their face in either a school setting or the emergency room. But getting discovered can lead to heightened abuse a home far from the police station.
After coming to school with a bleeding broken nose my second grade teacher turned me over to the nurse whom phoned the police. Well they pretended to be my friends and got me to tell the truth. Within hours i was back home with my abusive step-dad madder than hell that his secret had been exposed. From the time I was 8 I never trusted another adult and began to live in my own world.
Wonder why most of the abused don’t come forward? They have usually through this before and realize that they end up right back where they came from;the absers are angrier and can’t wait to take their sickness out on you,in this case a small child who weighed 60 pounds. #2 Uprooting them and being put into foster care puts an already timid kid into a place where you have no protection. Although homelike sucks it is the one they know. I’ve met several persons at support groups whom have been placed in foster care,only to be sexually or physically abused. 3. Call it Stocholm syndrome but although it sounds sick it is common for the childeren to love these maniacs. They begin to see bad attention as any attention,sadly they learn to love their abusers. 3.)My step-father who beat me constantly,knocking me unconcios etc…was never taken to court in anyway. It was the 70’s when sadly children were seen as their property and statistically unless you kill a strangers white child no one really wants to get involved to help these children. The cops in my case had several photos of my numerous interactions with them.
A friend of mine in high school finally had enough abuse and shot his father to death. We always thought that had his father done these things to a neighbor or a stranger he would have been in jail. But it seems that you,as a child,have no rights in the eye of the law. Often when you do try to get help the athoraties are dubious to interceded the confines of a family home.
Anyway, I grew up angry and alone until we moved to a different state and my abusive stepdad left my mother who was six months pregnant. Then I turned into a bully and stated to be a monster. Then one day it just stopped less than a year later. Instead I turned to drugs and alcohol to numb my pain which I didn’t stop until I was 35.
Amy you are right! Lots has to change in dealings with children of abuse. We need a revoulution in how we handle these cases or not be suprised when people like Brent act out. After years of someone four times your size beats you almost daily you come out damaged . Who knows if Brent’s dad didn’t knock something loose in his head?
Thanks for this forum
Best,Troy
Brent Brents responded.
Troy,
I read your response to the website recently. Bizarre is a mild way of putting our childhood similarities. There have been, and are millions like us. A sad truth.
Yes too often society ignores Beaten, abused and neglected Children. Is it because no one cares? Maybe a percentage of people don’t really care. But as i age and mature, i learn to really look at it in a way that has begun to make sense. I have come to believe that many witnesses to these horrors, ignore or turn away because of pain. Either having to acknowledge personal traumas or having to commit to feeling the pain of supporting a victim.
I think, No i know, i never stopped to look at the big picture. If a person reports the abuse of a child or a woman they are acknowledging and commiting to that person. Opening themselves up to experiencing so much. So i can genuinely get why people “mind their own business.” I don’t agree, but i can certainly see why.
And yes we who have been victims often turned to the authorities. Trusting and hoping for resolutions only to be revictimized by the systems ignorance. And this system often empowers the victimizers through its ignorance, lack of funding, improper or lack of training. Overburdening of victims. Overwhelmed, undertrained, understaffed. That’s the system.
Troy i was in a juvenile institution with kids who were seriously disturbed and in therapy sessions. i heard “our” stories over and over again. At the time it only fueled my hatred for authority and the system. But as i look back now it has saddened me. I envy those who have been victims and overcame and achieved. I wish i could have not ended up like this. I say “this” because my mind is really screwed up.
At 35 you were able to change your life. At 35 i was unable to cope with the world outside of prison. “We need a revolution.” A damn good way to put it Troy. I do this with Amy in spite of what goes on in my head because it saddens me to think of people ending up like me or just being victims period. And believe me i battle myself daily. I will never be “cured.” My brain is hard wired to violence, sexual or otherwise.
At just ten years old i learned what it was like to gain power thru rape. And it changed me in the worst way. Because i embraced it like i have heroin, meth, alcohol, destructive relationships, sexual deviance, hate, rage bitterness and anger.
I have worked hard these last few years just to let go. just let go of the resentment for all the hurts and pains i endured. It hasn’t been an easy journey. I still often find myself inexplicably in fits of rage, fantasizing about brutally hurting people. I go into deep depressions contemplating suicide because the one person i truly loathe is myself in these states of rage.
So i want to do what i can to keep people from creating ways for children to become like myself. I don’t know the answers to the solution. But i hope my honesty will help in the process. Thank you for using the site.
Some of you want to know how Drugs and Alcohol have affected me. Badly i would say. Most often my addiction made it easy for me to make bad decisions worse. I was able to do things i didint’ think i had the stomach for. And eventualy empowered me. Not in a good way. My addiction led me to become violent quicker and act with no feeling for Those i abused. And my addiction helped me to avoid my own very deep insecurities. Being dishonest with myself instead of accepting the reality. There is nothing i can do about the addiction in my case but simply acknowledge its destructiveness. And just not do the drugs or drink. Let reality take its course. Acknowledge my insecurities. Be honest with myself. And that is Non Negotiable to me.
The story continues with Troy.
Hi,
It was so difficult for me to trust counselors ,as much as, my parents or the police. I was personally bullied by a much more physically mature student at school who even at that age was adept at picking out those who were weaker into doing his dirty work. After,severe bullying I decided to befriend him and that’s when he started sexually abusing me on almost a daily basis. One would think you would go right to your parents or school staff,however,they would have made the matter much worse as they couldn’t protect me all the time.
I never wanted to go to school so my step dad who had been physically beating me for years got a great oppourtunity to unleash his sadistic brand of child abuse. I couldn’t win. Tell the the truth and school would have been a worse hell for me. Plus,being prepubesent I felt dirty at the things I was forced to do.
Look for with who suddenly become withdrawn, afraid to go to school. Remember,they don’t trust adults and you must treat all overt signs of home physical abuse but remember you must walk a fine line as what are their options? Mine was boys school.
If I seem a bot emotional now;well I am. If I can be of any further help please let me know!
Best,Troy
Filed under Brents' writings, The story
Ellen’s courage
Note from Amy: Brent is referring here to a woman featured in the book whose daughter was killed by a driver who fell asleep at the wheel.
I think when she’s scared for me it’s harder than usual because of what she went thru with Mary. I Never thought or hoped i could replace Mary. All i really wanted was to help a hurting human being. That hasn’t always been easy. Yet in my effort to help her i some how found this awesome example of a plain simple spiritual person. She’s taught me so much about being humble and forgiving people. I’ve No idea how she stood in a court room before a judge, and asked him to be leaniant (spelling) on the man who Killed her Child. I think of all the Courageous Things a human being can do. And Seriously That tops my list. I’ve fought five men at once, faced another man in a knife fight. Made meth and pipe bombs. And none of that required the pure human courage it took her to befriend That Man and help win his freedom after he killed her daughter. That’s an awesome example of human goodness, spiritual faith and just plain Wow!
She’s taught me that faith is More than a persistant belief in a God we can’t see or touch. But a state of know that in the end, Good will win out.
Brent Brents
Filed under Brents' writings
I’m not offended about being called an animal
In November, Bruce wrote to Amy to express his own opinion about Brent Brents.
I saw the story on Paula Zahn’s show and it disgusted me greatly. I have never commented on any of the things I have watched before but this really hit me in a negative way. I can’t understand why animals such as this guy have the following that they do. Why do people become fascinated by these guys and the crimes they commit. I was a law enforcement officer for a short time in Texas and had dealings with some of the most horrendous crimes imaginable, such as the murders of Dean Coryl and Elmer Wayne Henly but I never felt the urge or desire to idolize them or empathize with them.I was just thouroughly disgusted and appalled by their crimes. My empathy was felt toward all the victims and their families. I guess I don’t understand the fascination and I hope I never do. I remember you calling him a human being and that set me off even more. He gave up that right, not after the first victim, or even the second, but all the others after. He even told you that he would continue to hurt, if he was released. It was at this point, I became so upset, that I deleted the program from my Tivo, before it had ended. I don’t want anyone to try and justify why he did what he did. I don’t care. We all have problems and we all have had bad times in our lives, but not everyone turns down the road he did. He did it because he wanted to and for that he should not be idolized or empathized with. He is an animal, who chose to hurt people and rightly so, he should never see the light of day, outside a cell.
Bruce, 11/08/10
Brents responded:
I have been reading some of the posts. Thank you, all of you for using the site .I want to respond to one person in particular. Bruce who posted on 11/08/10. I hope Amy will reposition Bruce’s post just above this so all you can see how i and this man can hopefully stimulate a greater depth of discussion.
Most of you will either agree with Bruce or will find him seemingly hardline and angry. The truth is Bruce represents millions of Americans. He expressed disgust in the Paula Zhan tv show. How it hit him in a negative way.
So be honest, unless your a sexual predator any story like mine upsets you and disgusts you in some markedly human way. You feel sadness and empathy for those i victimized or even myself. Or you are reminded of your own abuse, or someone close to you who suffered. The subject of sexual abuse, rape or other abuses are Never Comfortable and more often than not taboo.
Bruce calls me an animal and can’t understand why people such as myself have a following.
I’m not offended about being called an animal. It’s one of the nicer names people call me. Yet it fits. Every time i attacked someone, used their bodies, tortured their minds, i was acting like an animal. I was detached from all moral and ethical feeling or thought. So he is right in a sense.
As for having a following. Man, i hope Not. I don’t aspire to be anything great. I don’t wan anything for myself. My particpation in the TV program, radio and the website are all strictly in the hopes that my life can some how help victims past present and future.
Bundy, Manson those guys enjoyed the attention, had, have a following. I don’t want a following. It’s pointless and dangerous. And i refuse to allow anyone to use me to somehow glorify Rape and sexual violence. And as for Bruce Not being able to understand why people become fascinated with people such as myself and the crimes we have commited, Hey, bruce i don’t understand it either. Yet there are some whose fascination isn’t seedy or disturbed. And i think you confuse Amy’s desire to prevent victims from becoming predators with a fascination with me that is somehow seedy and disturbed. We have developed a friendship true. And believe me, i beat you to the how the hell do i deserve it part.
Brent Brents
Filed under Brents' writings, Prison
Diary of a Predator 