Troy’s story

Troy wrote to us in September and started a dialogue.

Hi Amy and Brent,

As an abused child myself,I was bizarre to read the chronicles from Mr. Bren’t childhood. For years after being beaten,sexually and emotionally abused it was clear to me that society is in part to blame for ignoring obviously beaten child when they are right in front of their face in either a school setting or the emergency room. But getting discovered can lead to heightened abuse a home far from the police station.

After coming to school with a bleeding broken nose my second grade teacher turned me over to the nurse whom phoned the police. Well they pretended to be my friends and got me to tell the truth. Within hours i was back home with my abusive step-dad madder than hell that his secret had been exposed. From the time I was 8 I never trusted another adult and began to live in my own world.

Wonder why most of the abused don’t come forward? They have usually through this before and realize that they end up right back where they came from;the absers are angrier and can’t wait to take their sickness out on you,in this case a small child who weighed 60 pounds. #2 Uprooting them and being put into foster care puts an already timid kid into a place where you have no protection. Although homelike sucks it is the one they know. I’ve met several persons at support groups whom have been placed in foster care,only to be sexually or physically abused. 3. Call it Stocholm syndrome but although it sounds sick it is common for the childeren to love these maniacs. They begin to see bad attention as any attention,sadly they learn to love their abusers. 3.)My step-father who beat me constantly,knocking me unconcios etc…was never taken to court in anyway. It was the 70’s when sadly children were seen as their property and statistically unless you kill a strangers white child no one really wants to get involved to help these children. The cops in my case had several photos of my numerous interactions with them.

A friend of mine in high school finally had enough abuse and shot his father to death. We always thought that had his father done these things to a neighbor or a stranger he would have been in jail. But it seems that you,as a child,have no rights in the eye of the law. Often when you do try to get help the athoraties are dubious to interceded the confines of a family home.

Anyway, I grew up angry and alone until we moved to a different state and my abusive stepdad left my mother who was six months pregnant. Then I turned into a bully and stated to be a monster. Then one day it just stopped less than a year later. Instead I turned to drugs and alcohol to numb my pain which I didn’t stop until I was 35.

Amy you are right! Lots has to change in dealings with children of abuse. We need a revoulution in how we handle these cases or not be suprised when people like Brent act out. After years of someone four times  your size beats you almost daily you come out damaged . Who knows if Brent’s dad didn’t knock something loose in his head?

Thanks for this forum

Best,Troy

Brent Brents responded.

Troy,

I read your response to the website recently. Bizarre is a mild way of putting our childhood similarities. There have been, and are millions like us. A sad truth.

Yes too often society ignores Beaten, abused and neglected Children. Is it because no one cares? Maybe a percentage of people don’t really care. But as i age and mature, i learn to really look at it in a way that has begun to make sense. I have come to believe that many witnesses to these horrors, ignore or turn away because of pain. Either having to acknowledge personal traumas or having to commit to feeling the pain of supporting a victim.

I think, No i know, i never stopped to look at the big picture. If a person reports the abuse of a child or a woman they are acknowledging and commiting to that person. Opening themselves up to experiencing so much. So i can genuinely get why people “mind their own business.” I don’t agree, but i can certainly see why.

And yes we who have been victims often turned to the authorities.  Trusting and hoping for resolutions only to be revictimized by the systems ignorance. And this system often empowers the victimizers through its ignorance, lack of funding, improper or lack of training. Overburdening of victims. Overwhelmed, undertrained, understaffed. That’s the system.

Troy i was in a juvenile institution with kids who were seriously disturbed and in therapy sessions. i heard “our” stories over and over again. At the time it only fueled my hatred for authority and the system. But as i look back now it has saddened me.  I envy those who have been victims and overcame and achieved. I wish i could have not ended up like this. I say “this” because my mind is really screwed up.

At 35 you were able to change your life. At 35 i was unable to cope with the world outside of prison. “We need a revolution.” A damn good way to put it Troy. I do this with Amy in spite of what goes on in my head because it saddens me to think of people ending up like me or just being victims period.  And believe me i battle myself daily. I will never be “cured.” My brain is hard wired to violence, sexual or otherwise.

At just ten years old i learned what it was like to gain power thru rape. And it changed me in the worst way. Because i embraced it like i have heroin, meth, alcohol, destructive relationships, sexual deviance, hate, rage bitterness and anger.

I have worked hard these last few years just to let go. just let go of the resentment for all the hurts and pains i endured. It hasn’t been an easy journey. I still often find myself inexplicably in fits of rage, fantasizing about brutally hurting people. I go into deep depressions contemplating suicide because the one person i truly loathe is myself in these states of rage.

So i want to do what i can to keep people from creating ways for children to become like myself. I don’t know the answers to the solution. But i hope my honesty will help in the process. Thank you for using the site.

Some of you want to know how Drugs and Alcohol have affected me. Badly i would say. Most often my addiction made it easy for me to make bad decisions worse. I was able to do things i didint’ think i had the stomach for. And eventualy empowered me. Not in a good way. My addiction led me to become violent quicker and act with no feeling for Those i abused. And my addiction helped me to avoid my own very deep insecurities. Being dishonest with myself instead of accepting the reality. There is nothing i can do about the addiction in my case but simply acknowledge its destructiveness. And just not do the drugs or drink. Let reality take its course. Acknowledge my insecurities. Be honest with myself. And that is Non Negotiable to me.

The story continues with Troy.

Hi,
It was so difficult for me to trust counselors ,as much as, my parents or the police. I was personally bullied by a much more physically mature student at school who even at that age was adept at picking out those who were weaker into doing his dirty work. After,severe bullying I decided to befriend him and that’s when he started sexually abusing me on almost a daily basis. One would think you would go right to your parents or school staff,however,they would have made the matter much worse as they couldn’t protect me all the time.
I never wanted to go to school so my step dad who had been physically beating me for years got a great oppourtunity to unleash his sadistic brand of child abuse. I couldn’t win. Tell the the truth and school would have been a worse hell for me. Plus,being prepubesent I felt dirty at the things I was forced to do.
Look for with who suddenly become withdrawn, afraid to go to school. Remember,they don’t trust adults and you must treat all overt signs of home physical abuse but remember you must walk a fine line as what are their options? Mine was boys school.
If I seem a bot emotional now;well I am. If I can be of any further help please let me know!
Best,Troy

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Filed under Brents' writings, The story

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