First of all i forgive you. I have to. My hatred and bitterness toward you and him all these years has been more than i can deal with. And i simply have to let go.
He enslaved us both physicaly, sexualy, and emotionaly. We took solace in each other. Our Incentious relationship was one of the ways we did so. Don’t get me wrong it was rape. Yet there did come a point and time when i could have said no, or Not initiated it.
In the beginning i was just a small boy curious about his erection. The sexual act didn’t mean as much as laying my head on your bare breast and feeling your heartbeat. I loved you so much in those moments. I wished you could just hold me forever.
All the times a small child stepped in between you and him. Took the blows meant for you. I came to regret that you know. Not that i wanted him to kill you. No i regretted it in these last 10 or so years. My hate built into a rage. It all felt so unfair and i wanted everyone to pay for what you and he did to me.
Excuses. That is the saddest part, i used what you two did to me as excuses. To Rape, Maim and hurt. To torture people the same way you did me. You know i could never get used to comparing your sex with a lovers. That is totaly wrong yet suddenly there you were. And i would Abuse my lovers because of my hate for you. Wrong so wrong.
You know all i ever wanted from you was for you to say you were sorry. But you Never did. Now you don’t owe me anything.
The website is not about “you or me or him.” Yes our story is there from my view. My thoughts and feelings about us are there. But it is all there to help…I care that people have a safe place to express, to deal with, to read and seek avenues of help.
Amy asked me once in the beginning why i feared “Ridicule” so much. I couldn’t answer. I think it took me about a year to tell myself the truth and then tell her. I think i said something like i hated myself enough why should i let everyone else pile it on. But the truth was i didn’t love myself, i didn’t respect myself. And the more ridicule i heard, the worse i felt about myself and i was ashamed of who and what i was. And i had absolutely No idea how to change it.
I know your concerns about your image. Thats on you. I just hope that one day you’ll face yourself and just let it all come out. Your childhood, Mine. How he treated you. All of it. I promise you’ll be able to truly breath your first truly healthy breath. (I know God right!) Well all i can say is, God knows!
Look you did it, i did it. I’m sorry for my part in it. I know i wasn’t an easy Kid. I forgive you. You are blood. I don’t love you, I don’t hate you. We haven’t been family in a lot of years. We don’t know each other. You can tell people I’m crazy, evil or whatever you choose to.
I know what it is to be loved and to love now. To Love and be loved without conditions, without fear and it feels better than anything i have ever known.
And with that i wish you peace and happiness.