So i am glad you liked my writing on grief. The first few times I tried to write it, it just didn’t feel natural. It was either whining or blaming. It is an amazing thing to see where i once was Mentaly and how i percieved Things like grief and empathy. I had so much hate. And you know i like who i am now.
-Brent Brents 10-21-12
Author Archives: Amy Herdy
i like who i am now
Filed under Brents' writings
the early stages of withdrawal
Sorry i just bugged out last night. I am in the early stages of withdrawal. They accidentally let my prescription for one of my Meds lapse so I’ve been out since Wednesday, that’s 3 days cold turkey…And well you know. Mainline Me please.
Brent Brents 10-22-12
Filed under Brents' writings
Karma
Sure theres a good guy in here. One whose kind and sensitive,
Caring, understanding Outgoing athletic, funny. A Man Who
Loves Life. An man who enjoys the beauty of the world, Art,
history, places, people. Yet I can’t get past my brain.
Like I said Karma is a motherfucker and Its Lookin me
full in the face.
Now I only have one true regret. I never gave anyone
the chance to love the real me. Had I done that and been
courageous years ago maybe Just maybe Tiffany would have
found an empty apartment. And the countless others would
never have suffered my destruction.
—From Brent Brent’s journal
Filed under Brents' writings
little tortured boys don’t just disappear
Note from Amy: I got a very thoughtful email last year from a woman who is working on her master’s in counseling psychology. She had seen me on the Paula Zahn show on Investigation Discovery about the Brent Brents’ case, and wrote to offer her support of my work.
Now she’s doing some work of her own, through an excellent blog called The Feminist Rag–and I offer praise of it not just because she recently wrote a very nice blog about my work on Brents, but because she has insightful and interesting things to say. I began reading James Gilligan’s book Violence on her recommendation, and have learned so much from it. That book articulates so well the underlying causes of violence in our culture and why conventional solutions have failed to stem its tide.
Since the author of The Feminist Rag doesn’t give her name on her website, I won’t reveal it here. Below is an excerpt of what she wrote about her reactions to Diary of a Predator: A Memoir, in addition to some very kind things about my ongoing work which were gratifying to hear.
From The Feminist Rag:
Reading Amy’s book is not for the light-hearted; it took me on an INTENSE emotional roller coaster that had me wrestling with all kinds of conflicting feelings like disgust, terror, empathy and despair as I learned of Brent’s childhood, which was filled with unspeakable child abuse which, unsurprisingly and all too commonly, resulted in a full blown sadistic, out of control, violent, sociopathic man.
Alongside my disgust, despair, and terror, I also found myself feeling empathy for Brent because little tortured boys don’t just disappear, they slowly morph into violent adult men. This is not to say that ALL abused boys turn into sadistic men, but some do, it’s simply how life works — everyone copes differently with the inner hell such a childhood creates. Read more
Filed under The story
the real threats of Grief, heartbreak, empathy
OK I wrote this thing on grief. Hopefully it makes Sense. I didn’t write it until i felt it was Natural and Not forced. I know i don’t think or see feelings like most people. So i can’t force things.
Grief.
Like empathy its an emotion i struggle with. I have grief for lost grandparents and friends, and even pets.
I have a guilt about Grieving for my lost childhood, due to the abuse i went thru. I became a sexual being much to soon, so i lost the discover that comes with a young man’s virginity. I also did cause others to go thru the same grief.
My years in school were Not pleasant. I really Miss Not having a Normal school life. I wanted to be in 4H and play baseball, and football, go to prom, Graduate, and eventually go to College. But i was literaly to stoopid to go to college.
Oh I’m Not feeling sorry about school. I simply grieve the growth i missed. I educated myself acedmecly during my years in prison. OK so i need spell check to be installed in my brain on a permanent basis. But i feel good that i have a much wider education than many kids get today. And I am sad for them.
With my educational growth as a young adult i also grew emotionaly. The bad part is i embraced distructive emotions. These emotions Blocked me from being rational. I couldn’t be empathetic, or grieve normaly. Anger and rage, selfishness and refusal to take off my blinders, Black and White thinking, Abusive behavior etc. These I used to protect myself from the real threats of Grief, heartbreak, empathy. The Simple ability to feel anything other than self loathing and hatred for others.
Once i started letting myself experience grief without an anchor or rage or hatred, I was litteraly able to take a deep breath and release it, and know I’m OK.
So when i hear a story or see a TV show about something i missed in life, I know its ok to Grieve for it and not Let rage and hatred control my reactions.
So I may be wierd because i like grief. But liking it rather than Not being able to breathe, because i can’t get past rage and hatred. Yea i can live with being ok with grief and the natural feelings it causes.
Brent Brents 10-14-12
Filed under Brents' writings
Reader Questions: Does Brent Brents Believe in God? Has He Apologized?
Note from Amy: Earlier this month I received a couple of questions to this website, Diary of a Predator, which I forwarded to Brent Brents. I received his answer today by mail, so here are the questions from the reader, and below that, my reply and Brents’.
-Amy
Hello Amy Herdy,
I wonder if you’ll ever meet others.
One question–you or Brent Brents believe in God?
He already apologized to God or to the families he destroyed?
Sincerely,
Daniel Costa
Hi, Daniel,
Thanks for writing. In answer to your first question–I have interviewed other sexual offenders over the years, although none as predatory as Brents.
As for your second question-I do believe in a higher power, albeit not necessarily a traditional one. I write about that in the book, Diary of a Predator: A Memoir.
And here is what Brent Brents wrote:
Q: Do I believe in God?
A: Simply Yes. I practice the Catholic faith (much to learn).
Q: Have i apologized to God or the Families i have destroyed?
A: I have asked God for his forgiveness and Mercy. As for the families, I have but i have Never expected any of them to accept my apologies. Instead i work at being a better human being, and i pray For them daily.
To Return to Q #1: I find this quote sums up faith:
“For i do Not seek to understand that i May believe, but i believe in order to understand. For this also i believe: That unless i believe, I will not understand.” –Saint Anselm
Filed under Brents' writings
Viewer: Forgiveness Does Not Mean That We Escape the Consequences
Note from Amy: I received this message to this website, Diary of a Predator, today, in response to what Brent Brents said about taking his medications. The referenced post is further down on this page called, “A better side of me.”
Dear Brent and Amy, i saw your story on tv a few days ago and i was drawn to it. Not that i love crime, but i so agree with Amy that Brent was most definitely not born with the crimes. I strongly believe that his parents shaped him that way. I’m so sorry for Brent but he sure has improved truckloads! I wanted to share something with him that i found heart warming. In the Bible there was a king, Manasseh, whom is discribed to have sinned grossly. Please take the time to read the account. 2Chronicles 33:1-20. Of special interest is verses 6 and 12-13. No matter the crime we do, if we ask forgiveness, the most important person will always listen… Never stop believing Brent that you will be forgiven. However, forgiveness does not mean that we escape the consequences of our actions. Please let me know what you think. And Brent, keep on improving. If it means using meds, then so be it. NOTHING to be ashamed of. Kind regards…
Fernanda
Filed under The story
a cool thing
Oh heres what was written on my granola bag. “Feed your soul with Good thoughts. Feed your body with Good things. Make today a New day!” I thought this was a cool thing in a world where Negativity rules most things.
Brent Brents 9-9-12
Filed under Brents' writings
a better side of me
Well i hope your having a good evening. As for me it’s that time. oh i wanted to thank you for some thing. It’s been just over a year since I began taking my meds. One of the things i really was scared about was being judged by you. I didn’t want you to see me as crazy. If anything we both see a better side of me And you still show confidence in me. So thank you.
Brent Brents 8-27-12
Filed under Brents' writings
empathy
I tell you Amy empathy aint an easy emotion to deal with…i am really learning to open up to it. It’s painful and Not a good feeling to have. I mean yes it’s good to have empathy. But hard to think about. It’s one of those things i don’t have control over. And well Control freak Me is struggling.
Brent Brents 8-12-12
Filed under Brents' writings
Diary of a Predator 