Tag Archives: Brent

see spot get robbed at gun point, how does spot feel?

Hello all.

So last week i started this tv class. Victim Impact Listen and Learn. I watch the program on tv, then do the work assignments in the work book.

So to be truthfull, the work book half is boring. And doesn’t challenge my brain the way the questions i get on the blog do. They are basically like see spot get robbed at gun point, how does spot feel?

I’ve spent about 38 yrs in treatment programs of one kind or another. So the questions are too easy to answer. Spot is scared, he’s unsure of strangers, thinks he’s weak etc. He has to replace all his credit cards, drivers licence and so on.

Ok lets be real, i have a short attention span when i’m not challenged. So my answers although spot on, are w/ out much meaning. However i asked for this class. Why becouse of the video part.

The video features victims/ survivors of all types of crimes. Ranging from property crimes to rape, robbery, murder, child abuse, and domestic violence. This part challenges my mind and heart. I’m pretty new to actual empathy, and true compassion for people.

So any time i hear 1 of your/ their stories, feelings, thoughts, fears, ideas, etc. I learn from a different perspective than i did all those yrs ago. I feel the sarrow, empathy, hurt, betrayal, all of it. And am able to truly understand the impact i had on the people i hurt, their families, friends, and loved ones. The communities, law enforcement, every one.

I’m not letting it go in 1 ear and out the other. These past 10 or so yrs things really get to my heart, and i feel hurt and pain for those who suffer at the hands of criminals like me. So yes i’m doing this class as honestly as i can. The written part is getting easier as well. I still dont like the simplicity of the questions.

I do answer brutaly honest though. As w/ every thing, its the best policy in my case. Thank U to all of U who check this blog and use to help themselves and others.

Sincerely;

Brent.

5-17-18

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I will be a weak little sissy, curl up in a ball, run, bow down, lose face, whatever it takes to avoid violence

I’m hoping i’ll move to the pod next door this week. If not i’ve come to a place of peace w/ myself. I dont like it in here, but i’ll do absolutely every thing and any thing the right way to stay out of trouble. There is no way i’ll fuck off going to pc, [protective custody] and getting myself put back in the hole for assault will absolutely not be an option this time.

I will be a weak little sissy, curl up in a ball, run, bow down, lose face, whatever it takes to avoid violence… And my shot at Pc. Just call me a bitch, or pussy, i dont care…

So joke em if they cant take a screw. I’m mister non violent, mr clean. And dont care who likes it or not…

Man i wish i could have a dog in here. But i wouldn’t want a dog to suffer prison life. To me dogs are creatures who should have the utmost freedom and space to run and play and explore in. I wouldn’t want to be a prison dog. Its bad enough we pretty much get treated like them.

-Brent Brents 5-27-18

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Colonoscopy in a few hours. :( CRAP!!!

Going for the old hose up my ass here in a few hours. Its been one miserable fricken day. Tell you about it later. Also i’m moving…its a progressive move. Ok gotta go poop. Later tater…

So i got drilled. Dont know the results, was way too groggy, forgot to ask. So now i wait for a month to find out whether theres any thing wrong or not.

Ok yesterday was horribly humiliating. I took the flush out pills, then drank 3/4 of a gallon of the flush out juice. Came back to my cell. The C/Os gassed 7 guys in the pod next to mine. Well my cell was the closest one to the gas. I’m oc restricted because of my COPD.

Well they put me in the exercise room, ( NO TOILET ) in there. Remember i’ve already started the flush out process. Long Story short, i shit myself. They refused to take me any where there was a toilet. Finaly after 4 hrs the nurse had to get on the shift leaders ass. Anyway i was frickin miserable and pissed off. But as they say in this crazy world of ours ” SHIT HAPPENS “!!!

-Brent Brents 5-15-18

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2 guys got into a fight…They weren’t surrendering.

Absolutely crazy weekend.
Well 2 guys got into a fight… They weren’t surrendering. So the cops tried to throw a grenade in. It missed and bounced back out around the cops and blew up. So they shut off the wi-fi and locked us all down. Still locked down, but they let us have visits, and wi-fi back…

I hope U have had a good mothers day. Oh you should google doberman / coon hound mix dogs. Truly beautiful and inteligent. Very tolerant, animal friendly and trainable. Saw 2 on tv in the last 2 months. 1 won the the Purina Dog Challenge distance jump. 32 feet+.

Such a beautiful dog. Dont look any thing like coonhounds as adults. Dont look like dobis’ either. Really sleek and muscular, but not scary doberman looking. I’m in love w/ them.

-Brent Brents 5-13-2918

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We aren’t allowed to have birthday cards any more

Not sure if i told you or not. We aren’t allowed to have birthday cards any more, Because some dumb asses had their people putting drug patches in between the layers, soaking the stamps in Fentenol and other liquid narcotics.

So its now DOCs policy to photo copy the cards in black and white and Destroy the cards. So please don’t waste your $.

-Brent Brents 4-13-18

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i’d like to say no i’m not a predator

Am i or am i not? To tell all of U the truth, lying would be easy. Oh “NO” i’m no longer a predator. Thats what i would like to tell U, and myself. Truth is though despite very good meds, years of self introspect, honesty and my faith. I’m still very volitile.

Not that i want to be. Predatory not so much. However that doesn’t mean i’m not. My mind is still screwed up, when i get mad or upset i still have violent sexual thoughts, and violent desires. When threatened i automaticaly want to strike out and hurt the other person.

Not because i enjoy it like i use to. I get scared and its fight or flight. I often feel like i cant run, so i want to fight. But what is still predator in me is how i want to fight. I want to destroy the other person. And yes i still get pissed off at women. Not often, but most of the time when i do. I think about hurting some of them sexually. Sorry but thats how my screwed up brain works.

I wish more than any of U know that i didn’t think or feel this way. It goes against every bit of my being. My brain works weird like that. I think ” bitch i’d show U. ” Its sad really, pathetic little man shit, and i’m ashamed i think that way. I don’t believe i’d act on it. But i never thought i’d assault a c/o either.

So truth is people i’m still a predator after all these years. I believe i’m gaining better control of my rage and feelings. Only time will tell. And believe me, i hate that part of me more than any of U ever could. Like i said, i’d like to say no i’m not a predator. But that would be an out and out lie.

The one very important thing i take great respect in is honesty. I’m honest w/ myself and all of U. I have to be or this blog would be bullshit. Any way thats what i have to say about that. Thank U all for supporting the blog and each other.

-Brent Brents 5-5-18

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Let me tell U as a survivor turned predator…being triggered…Can really suck.

Emily,

Let me tell U as a survivor turned predator. Being triggered by things we read, see on tv, see in dreams, smells, mens voices, places etc. Can really suck. I’ve experienced this, not too much in the last 20 + yrs. But as a predator i would be triggered by alot of the same memories and things, i was as a survivor. It is something that i’m sure you’ll probably experience again as you interact w/ and speak w/ others survivors as they relate their stories to U.

So dont be surprised on that front. Just stay strong and continue to grow. And remember this is for U and the others like U. As well as those of U currently suffering abuse. If U need to talk to Amy or i, or any one else dont hesitate. This was and is what this site is for.

As for assholes who go thru the legal system and beat it, well it happens Emily. Yes sports figures, tv and movie personalities, famous and rich get away w/ alot of shit. And yes they brag, often publicly accusing thier victims of wanting it, or liking it etc. Our society puts more value in these types of people than they do the victims and survivors of rape and abuse.

But it is changing Emily, slowly for sure, it is though. In the U.S. there is an ad campaign w/ famous sports figures who speak out against rape and abuse. Theres a college athlete campaign as well. A world famous tv dad has just been convicted of drugging and raping a woman.

Its slow going, nothing changes over night. And sadly U and i will be long buried before what we want happens. In the mean time My friend keep up the good fight for your own recovery and for the rest who need your help. Again thank U your courage is awesome.

Always here for U.

Brent.

-5-4-2018

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