Let me tell U as a survivor turned predator. Being triggered by things we read, see on tv, see in dreams, smells, mens voices, places etc. Can really suck. I’ve experienced this, not too much in the last 20 + yrs. But as a predator i would be triggered by alot of the same memories and things, i was as a survivor. It is something that i’m sure you’ll probably experience again as you interact w/ and speak w/ others survivors as they relate their stories to U.
So dont be surprised on that front. Just stay strong and continue to grow. And remember this is for U and the others like U. As well as those of U currently suffering abuse. If U need to talk to Amy or i, or any one else dont hesitate. This was and is what this site is for.
As for assholes who go thru the legal system and beat it, well it happens Emily. Yes sports figures, tv and movie personalities, famous and rich get away w/ alot of shit. And yes they brag, often publicly accusing thier victims of wanting it, or liking it etc. Our society puts more value in these types of people than they do the victims and survivors of rape and abuse.
But it is changing Emily, slowly for sure, it is though. In the U.S. there is an ad campaign w/ famous sports figures who speak out against rape and abuse. Theres a college athlete campaign as well. A world famous tv dad has just been convicted of drugging and raping a woman.
Its slow going, nothing changes over night. And sadly U and i will be long buried before what we want happens. In the mean time My friend keep up the good fight for your own recovery and for the rest who need your help. Again thank U your courage is awesome.
Always here for U.
I might sound like an asshole tonite. Well i’m pissed off. See we have this person who drives on every fiber of my being. He’s a totally fucked up piece of shit! Sorry i know i shouldn’t judge people. But if any of U spent 10 minutes around this guy you’d be wearing my hate filled shoes.
He is full of hate, talks constantly about beating peoples children to death w/ a ballpien hammer. And other sexually violent things about peoples children. Its driving on me, i hear this motherfucker talking this shit all day long every day. What can i do…
My faith and the fact that i cant afford to end up in GP ( general population ). I pray people, it came to a head tonight. I will not have this person around me. I aint going to do any thing to him. But damn it my mind is totaly against me. I’ve spoken to U all before about how i think when super super stressed.
Like i said i pray. I ask God to help me not to follow thru w/ my violent desires. I cant tell U how angry i feel w/ this guy. Lets just say i get how alot of U feel about me. Man i get the hate alot of U must feel. Also though i believe this is coming from empathy. I can’t emagine why this person wants to do these things. But his vocalizations R so upsetting.
Yes this is me of all people disgusted w/ him, and myself. I mean i’m fantasizing bad shit about this dude. So i’m mad at myself for thinking this kind of shit. Talk about being a hypocrite. I won’t hurt this person, but its tearing at my soul. The sick talk about hurting kids, and his other bs is eating at me. I’m at the point where i don’t even want to come out of my cell.
I’ll get thru it, i know this is a test.
-Brent Brents 4-30-2018
I just have to remember that people are going to hate me and what i’ve done. And some just hate me period. Thats life, not to take it foolishly, or be conceited about it. I’m allowed to have happiness in my life, but some people think not.
Just like Emily asked when can a victim feel clean. I ask when does a victimizer get to feel ok about them self again. Well my answer to the first is this. Be strong all of U. Whether you’re being violated at the moment, or U are a survivor of past abuse. You’re not dirty. Your attackers are the ones who are filthy individuals. You’re clean when you choose to be clean.
Fight w/ all of your hearts the shame and guilt, they dont belong to U. They belong to me and the other assholes who R or were your abusers.
As for when do i get to feel clean? I hope i always feel the shame and guilt of my sickness. No one deserves what i did. And in my mind if i forget that i’ll not be worthy of this blog, my efforts to help U out there will be for not. Its a harsh way to look @ it. But i am a sick deviant individual. Who should never be allowed to forget what i am.
Too many people like me get away w/ thier bs. And continue thier reign of terror. And innocent people suffer for it. My fathers father got away w/ his abuse. My father got away w/ his. And thankfully i got caught. Too late mind U, but caught none the less. So hopefully the cycle will stop w/ me. And my victims wont become, or continue being abusers. Or victims of people like me.
-Brent Brents 4-2-2018
First of all thank U for sharing that experience w/ all of us. This must be the week where people challenge my thinking. Which i take seriously. I wish i could have found it in my heart to forgive my dad his wrongs on his death bed. Although i was not there, i know full well i had too much hate and bitterness toward him to do so.
I have struggled w/ that issue for years. Finaly being able to find some understanding and insight into him as i learn about myself and why i chose to be this way. We were both sick, scarred, and programed violently @ the hands of our parents. We both chose to be predatory instead of vulnerable.
I don’t know about him but i had chances to make the changes necessary to become a productive and compassionate individual. I chose hate and predation as my armor. I enjoyed hurting people. I was a coward just as he was. I could say it was my parents fault. Yet that would be total bullshit.
The truth is i (chose) this way of life. Although i have gained the ability to feel compassion and empathy for people. I still suffer the addiction to sexual violence. It is a shame i deal w/ daily.
So in one word how would i describe my father… ( Incapable ). Because he was controlling and manipulative right up to his death in 2004. And was incapable of change. I’m not sure if it was because he didn’t care to or that he had behaved violently and hurtfully for so long he just didn’t know how.
My mother…This one is easy. ( sick ). She was molested by her father, uncles, brothers. She was literaly used by the men in her family as a sexual apperatus. From a very young age. Then she marries my father. Horrible choice.
The woman only knew to equate love and sex as the same thing. The incest w/ me was her way of loving me. I dont really hate her for it. Although it was clearly a crime against myself. I not only enjoyed it, but i also equated this sexual behavior as love.
It was a sickness we shared. A way to love one another in his little private kingdom. I have forgiven her as well. My anger was not at what she did to me. Rather at her not working w/ me to hash it out.
To find a place of understanding between us. Where we could finaly put it all behind us and heal together and seperately. To exercise our own demons. And love one another as a mother and child should have from the beginning…
But the reality is shit happens. I made shitty choices that had absolutely nothing to do w/ the abuse i endured as a child. Broken system or not. I chose to be what i was. I am addicted to sexual violence. My brain is and has been fucked up for years.
That however is no excuse for how i chose to live my life. In a nut shell, the one word i would use to describe myself now: ( Learning ). How would i have described myself 14 years ago. ( Evil )!!!
So Michelle i hope i have provided some insight into myself, and how i see things. As for the abuse i went thru as a child. It honestly was not what made me who i was. Though it is easy to say my parents created an animal. Its simply not the case.
They are probably responsible for my sexually violent addiction. However i made the choice at around the age of 10 to be predatory. Because it gained me what they took from me. And that was my ability to control my own emotional safety and security. As well as my physical and sexual well being. I created me, i truly believe this.
Just as i am now recreating myself. Molding a compassionate and caring human being. And its not easy. But necessary.
I read your book and still follow the blog, and find the story of Brent compelling, and so incredibly sad.
I have my own history of abuse at the hands of a parent, and luckily for me, my healing was healthy and empowering. I began to realize it was him who was damaged and sick. I look in the mirror every morning and I like who I am. I don’t know what he sees when he looks in his mirror … a couple of years ago, I was at his death bed, holding his hand as he approached mortality and I asked, “How would you describe your father in 1 word?” His response, “… distant … ” Ok, interesting… “How would you describe your mother, in 1 word?” “… Vain” and my eyes began to well up. He was raised by parents who were distant and vain. Jesus Christ, what had THEY done to HIM? and the empathy and compassion I felt for him, my abuser, was overwhelming … it literally washed over me that, he was not who he was supposed to be. Someone did something to change him. I don’t relieve him of his responsibility for those things done to me and others … but I had a window into the “why”…and the timeline of cause and effect.
I forgave the man. I will never forgive the acts. I loved him but I was afraid to be near him most of my life. I second guessed every comment, every intention…and I hated that, but it wasn’t of my choosing. I am so grateful that although it took until the end, I gained even more perspective and true forgiveness.
I look at Brent and I think, he was born a beautiful perfect little being … what the hell did they think they were doing, and creating out of him???? I don’t forgive his acts, they are his to own. But it sickens me that he was changed. He was forever altered through no fault of his own. I wonder how he would answer the questions:
Describe your father in 1 word.
Describe your mother in 1 word.
January 19, 2018
We got off Lockdown after 20 days woohoo! But alas 8 hours Later we’re back on.
Will not Comment on what i think of the situation, except to say A Big SHIT!!! Had plans, Now I have to cancel all my dates. Ok Seriously, This Sucks.
But hey 12 of the last 13 have been behind one door or another. So I’m used to it. I’m just gonna sleep away the time. It makes it all go fast.
-Brent Brents 4-6-18
It’s weird, I Love Classic Rock. But it seems the older I get i’m Liking some harder music. I think it’s my brains way of easing out its aggression.
Hey a TMI but an important thing, No Masturbation in 2 1/2 years!!! It’s True!!! Even though I’m Not on Depacote and it works again I’ve been a good boy. Amazing if you ask me. For a sexually addicted individual, i am good. It’s easier than i thought Not to spank the bastard.
Says a lot about my state of mind, my spirituality, and my thinking in general. I just don’t feel the need to get off every time Some Violent Sexual BS gets in my Brain. I think my heart has a lot to do with it.
Having Love, Compassion, empathy, really makes me feel a whole Lot different about Life, the way i think, Feel, and behave. Plus, NO Bullshit this Abilify is Really helping me keep my head on straight.
-Brent Brents 3-31-18
Life Sucks a bit. We’re on Lock down yet again. We average about 6 fights a week here. All well we all pay for it. 5 out of the last 8 days we’ve been down.
For me it’s a mixed blessing and a curse. I Like the solitude. But hate that i can’t shower each day. I bird bath 3 to 4 x a day but there is nothing Like a hot steaming shower to get clean. You know me OCD and a shower Hog. :)…
All in All I like my tier…It’s really pretty quiet. We spend most of our out time playing Scrabble or chess. I’m helping this youngster with his GED. Oh speaking of GED I just wrote a kite to education, to see if they can help me get a copy of my certificate…1986 Holy crap that was a long time ago. 32 years!!! Fudge I’m old.
-Brent Brents 3-23-18
Enclosed is a picture i had a guy draw you. He’s the best artist in the Pod. It took me a month to talk him into it. But its worth what i paid. I hope you like it. Its Not Super Big. But it is really cool. Look at the eyes under the Light. They are Gold.
So i won’t see the PC Board (note from Amy: protective custody) until they have a handful of guys to enterview for PC. It thier show So i have to wait on them. I’m on a good tier in here so I’m OK now…They check on me Regularly to see how I’m doing in here. The guys all treat me well. And most of them treat me w respect.
-Brent Brents 3-11-18
Abilify rocks Amy. This feels like its done more in 7 full days than Depacote did in 6 years. I had one restless night. But that was a Coffee OD. And my brain is so so mellow. Not Depakote Dead!
I had a brief Depression this A.M. But the good old Abilify kicked ass pretty fast. So yes I am truly grateful for the stuff. Good good stuff.
-Brent Brents 2-13-18
He’s right. CATC was a damn good place to get help. I just wasn’t trusting or caring enough. I know of only 2 other guys in our group who Reoffended Sexualy. Pablo, Dodi, and Bill put alot of effort into me. Sadly i was pure predator by then. I learned the Language, Manipulated my way thru it in the end.