I’m having a pretty difficult time at the moment ok for two weeks now. I think i am going to stop taking the meds. I’m really not doing well. I’m in zombie land. Have been for awhile and it’s Taking a toll on me. I can’t explain in words how i feel. It just sucks.
Category Archives: Brents' writings
i am going to stop taking the meds
Filed under Brents' writings
a healthy balance of Love and support
I do think that treatment of 1st time sexual offenders in the juvinile and the adult system should be one of close scrutiny on the persons thoughts and feelings from a psychological viewpoint, support from friends and family. If they are not available or lack the moral fiber, then the system should find a willing family that wants to be there for emotional and social support.
The institution should be a specific institution to treat sex offenders only. And there should be a healthy balance of Love and support from people not connected to the system and from those who work with the offender in the system.
Psychology should be there, but with an understanding that a group effort to mature the offenders sense of empathy and compasion. Especially the younger offenders.
-Brent Brents 10-29-11
Filed under Brents' writings
stopping myself from hurting others
I think that my honesty sometimes disarms peoples true thoughts and feelings about what iĀ have done. I’ve definitely changed from then to now but we both know sadly that i only see one way out of prison or stopping myself from hurting others. It would be easy to say i wouldn’t hurt others out there. But we both know how volitile my mood swings are.
-Brent Brents 10-29-11
Filed under Brents' writings
1178 in The Stand
I’m on 1178 in The Stand. Dayna Jurgens is in Las Vegas. I love this book! š I love how it is about faith but not so die hard. When Nick tells Mother Abigail he isn’t a believer she’s ok with it. She still believes in him. And Tom Cullen Talk about innocent in God’s eyes. Moon Spell Tom.
-Brent Brents 10-23-11
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My brain is like a waste water plant
So truth be told i am struggling with the meds a bit. I’m OK, but not ok. I don’t really know how to explain mental illness. In my classes over the years I’ve been taught to try to verbalize my feelings thru pictures. So i guess the best way i can describe it is this. My brain is like a waste water plant lots of shit goes in and clean water goes out but it’s not purely clean. It still has micro particles of medications. So some people are still engesting them. My brain is a muddle of shit right now. But it will get processed in time. So please hang in there ok. I’m there Amy. My heart and soul are there. Even if my brain is messed up.
-Brent Brents 10-23-11
Filed under Brents' writings
tension tremors
So this is the first day in two and a half weeks i have been able to hold a pen, spoon, piece of bread or book, cup, etc. without really bad tremors. They are called tension tremors its a temporary side effect. It comes and goes. Sometimes to bad to do anything usefull other times its just a tiny tick of a muscle.
-Brent Brents 10-22-11
Filed under Brents' writings
A letter to his mother
First of all i forgive you. I have to. My hatred and bitterness toward you and him all these years has been more than i can deal with. And i simply have to let go.
He enslaved us both physicaly, sexualy, and emotionaly. We took solace in each other. Our Incentious relationship was one of the ways we did so. Don’t get me wrong it was rape. Yet there did come a point and time when i could have said no, or Not initiated it.
In the beginning i was just a small boy curious about his erection. The sexual act didn’t mean as much as laying my head on your bare breast and feeling your heartbeat. I loved you so much in those moments. I wished you could just hold me forever.
All the times a small child stepped in between you and him. Took the blows meant for you. I came to regret that you know. Not that i wanted him to kill you. No i regretted it in these last 10 or so years. My hate built into a rage. It all felt so unfair and i wanted everyone to pay for what you and he did to me.
Excuses. That is the saddest part, i used what you two did to me as excuses. To Rape, Maim and hurt. To torture people the same way you did me. You know i could never get used to comparing your sex with a lovers. That is totaly wrong yet suddenly there you were. And i would Abuse my lovers because of my hate for you. Wrong so wrong.
You know all i ever wanted from you was for you to say you were sorry. But you Never did. Now you don’t owe me anything.
The website is not about “you or me or him.” Yes our story is there from my view. My thoughts and feelings about us are there. But it is all there to help…I care that people have a safe place to express, to deal with, to read and seek avenues of help.
Amy asked me once in the beginning why i feared “Ridicule” so much. I couldn’t answer. I think it took me about a year to tell myself the truth and then tell her. I think i said something like i hated myself enough why should i let everyone else pile it on. But the truth was i didn’t love myself, i didn’t respect myself. And the more ridicule i heard, the worse i felt about myself and i was ashamed of who and what i was. And i had absolutely No idea how to change it.
I know your concerns about your image. Thats on you. I just hope that one day you’ll face yourself and just let it all come out. Your childhood, Mine. How he treated you. All of it. I promise you’ll be able to truly breath your first truly healthy breath. (I know God right!) Well all i can say is, God knows!
Look you did it, i did it. I’m sorry for my part in it. I know i wasn’t an easy Kid. I forgive you. You are blood. I don’t love you, I don’t hate you. We haven’t been family in a lot of years. We don’t know each other. You can tell people I’m crazy, evil or whatever you choose to.
I know what it is to be loved and to love now. To Love and be loved without conditions, without fear and it feels better than anything i have ever known.
And with that i wish you peace and happiness.
Brent Brents 9-5-11
Filed under Brents' writings, Prison
How many guys like me
Well my day was pretty laid back. I’m still a bit hung over from the Depakote dosage raise. It’s getting better. You know i am beginning to wonder if i have hurt myself by being stubborn about the meds all these years. I can’t say the outcome would have been any different than it was. But it does leave questions in my mind. How many guys like me could benifit from simply being honest about their mental status and takings Meds if Need be. The thing i keep in my mind now is that i can’t go back and speculating only makes the guilt and shame worse.
–Brent Brents, 7-18-11
Filed under Brents' writings, Prison
game of keep away
Damn there are things i want to tell you but just can’t. Sometimes its just better to eat thoughts. You know me. Always observing and assesing. These days it’s purely self preservation and old habit. I just wish some people understood that, instead of making assumptions that they are all that and a bar of chocolate in my eyes. Some people flatter themselves. And besides you know how i think about cops. I’d rather use my dick in a game of keep away with an allegator than have anything to do with any cop. At least with the allegator you can see he clearly entends to make your life miserable.
–Brent Brents, 6-23-11
Filed under Brents' writings
Hate no hate
This has been one fucked up week. They Gassed a guy downstairs. So Naturally we all got gassed to a degree. š¦ And Now i have a really shitty headache. My calf still hurts but not to bad. And I’M FUCKING SICK OF BEANS! I’m a virtual Methane powered human for these last two days…
My brain is fucked up sleep, no sleep. Hate no hate, Bite tongue hard. Ignore certain c/s. Try not to let the sudden Roller Coaster of emotions kill me.
–Brent Brents, 6-19-11
Filed under Brents' writings, Prison
Diary of a Predator 