Category Archives: Quotes

A return to love

Hey thought you might like to put this on the site. This is a profound statement.

–Brent Brents, 5-12-10 1:18 p.m.

Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate,
Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure.
It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us.
We ask ourselves, who am I to be brilliant? Gorgeous? Talented?
Fabulous?
Actually, who are you not to be?
You are a child of god.
Your playing small doesn’t serve the world.
There’s nothing enlightened about shrinking
so that other people won’t feel insecure around you.
We were born to make manifest the glory of god that is within us.
It is not just in some of us; it is in everyone.
And as we let our own light shine,
We unconsciously give other people permission to do the same.
As we are liberated from our own fears,
Our presence automatically liberates others.

–Marianne Williamson, A Return to Love: Reflections on the Principles of A Course in Miracles

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A letter to Jane

Brent Brents wrote this letter as a response to Jane. Amy gave the original handwritten letter to Jane. According to Amy, “Jane read it and got choked up a little, too, and she said, ‘If I had hoped for how his reply would be, this was it.'”

Dear Jane,

I respect and admire your courage. Amy and i have shared the goal of giving victims of Rape, sexual abuse and any other abuses suffered a safe place to have a voice of their own. A safe secure place. I am thankful you found the site and chose to use it for what it is meant for.

I would like to address what the Dr. told you “If you do what you have always done, you’ll get what you always get.” That is the bitter truth of my life. I kept my own mind a prisoner, in my own never ending cycle of mindless hate and anger at those who used me. Never being able to let go of that which tortured me.

Jane i was a victim. But i became a monster of sorts, because it was an easier, safer way to live. Sad but true. It was easier to lash out and harm others, than it was to be truthful and honest with myself. I did not know how to handle the guilt and shame.

You spoke of emptiness. With each person i ever hurt, there was the idea that i could fell that emptiness, that barren place in my soul. But all i accomplished was creating an empty barren place in another human being.

I could have tried harder when the opportunities to change presented themselves in my life. They were there, and there were good people who attempted to help me do so. But i chose to have power and control through brutality. And having known personaly how being raped and abused affected me, i chose rape as my weapon.

Jane in these last five years I have been able to let go of that need for power and control over others. I am vulnerable as hell emotionaly and physicaly. It sucks not to have control over my life. Yes people are angry with me for speaking out. For my being a rapist. I live in a world were 95 % of the people would kill me if they could. I stopped feeling sorry for myself, and i accept the life i live physicaly and emotionaly, is the least of the justice my victims deserve. They deserve more.

There is not one single day that goes by that i don’t feel guilt and shame for what i have done. To the many people who did not deserve my rage, hatred or brutality. There are constant reminders of the animal that i was. No one can punish me more than i punish myself.

So this is a quote from your letter. “I think i am cursed with empathy, because i cannot bring myself to be angry enough at my attacker, in order to grasp closure. Anger can sew up wounds, but it can also keep ripping them open.”

I sincerely wish i knew what to say to that. I found only recently that i wasn’t so angry at my parents for their abuse, as i was at their denials. I felt so low and worthless. I could not then, nor can i now understand how either could say they loved me and yet Deny everything that ever happened. I never wanted an apology from them. All i really wanted was to be validated and loved. Yet they were incapable of saying privately to me, What we did was wrong. Still to this day my mom denies it. I’m not angry at her anymore. I will always have a lingering sense of sadness i suppose. For the loss of what could have been.

Jane empathy is not a curse. I have learned these last few years that good people are people who have empathy. You are good people. I have seen how people with empathy can change lives.

I see someone, a human being such as yourself, And how rape has affected you. I feel shame and self hatred. And Sad because there have been millions of victims of rape and abuse who don’t choose to act out and hurt others as i have. But what is worse is there are millions who do and probably as many who are never caught. A Sad reality.

For your sake i hope that someday you can find what it is that helps you find closure. I am sincerely sorry that your life was deprived of safety and sanity by someone like myself. If there is any way i can help in your healing process i will do so sincerely through Amy. Above all i hope that you continue to use the site to help yourself and others.

Your courage is awesome, i hope it inspires others to use the site. And yes there needs to be discussion. Not only for those who have suffered. But for those who are and who will suffer. It is my hope that the site will not only be a safe place for healing, But a place for those who are being abused to be able to use the help offered there.

And Jane, may you find peace and freedom.

Brent Brents

5-4-10

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“You Know you Never will truly trust me”

It’s been a day of Reflection. You Know you Never will truly trust me. No matter how much you care, you can’t help but hold my past in judgement of me. It’s OK. I get it but that doesn’t mean it doesn’t hurt. It doesn’t matter how much i have changed or do continue to change. Sure i will always be disturbed Thats my Road in life. But my heart is so much more Amy. No matter how cinical you are there is a truth you will never be able to see. Its to bad. I am proud of who i have become in these few years. I have realy learned alot about the value of the human being. I have seen the value of love, family, friends. I have learned empathy and sorrow for peoples pain and loss. Powerful it is when you feel it. I choose to remember Not so the acts Amy but the costs of the acts. Even though you will never be able to see me without attaching Brent Brents sexual predator to me, its ok. I know you do care. That is one of the consequences of my choices Amy. No One will see me as human. There will always be an attachment; sexual predator, Rapist child molester, liar, violent criminal. Its simply what humans do. We judge. You will always be suspicious, thinking i have some ulterior motive. And i will probably die trying Just to simply be caring and a friend. But Always hear the words sexual predator. I wish i could change that identity but once one has it it is for life.

-Brent Brents, Feb. 27, 2010

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“Feeling angry and hateful at the moment”

Amy,

Hi you. How was your day? Better than mine i hope. I am on a swing. Feeling angry and hateful at the moment. No Particular Rhyme or Reason. Just my stoopid mind doing its thing. Sad one minute Raging the next. Feeling very out of Control. Lonely you name it the last three hours have been bad. Up Down all around. Right now i could use a drink. No meth or heroin, Just some Good ole Grey Goose or Stoli ah hell right out of a still would do. Sometimes when i need a hug the most there isn’t one to be had. So i just have to manage.

-Brent Brents, Feb. 24, 2010

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“i look in the mirror and my self worth takes a dump”

I just finished watching Oprah. She had a guy named Greg Milligan and his sister on. They were raped and abused by Their mother. Its heart wrenching to sit here and hear his story and see how it affects him. I have this respect for him because he didn’t turn out like me. IN fact he seems to be a real good man. So i think it would do you some good to go on line and watch todays show. Greg Milligan is his name. I think what you see will seriously freaked at how he and i could have swapped lives as children and been Perfectly at home in each others lives. Sickly and Sadly. Yet somehow he managed to Not become me. I wonder if you were able to talk to him maybe you could see what was different that helped him…Ya know a decent comparison of how i became me and how he suceeded. Just a thought. I see people like this guy and i look in the mirror and my self worth takes a dump.

-Brent Brents, Feb. 15, 2010

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My biggest fear

My biggest fear is that I will die without ever having done anything good.

-Brent Brents

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CSH Social Summary report

His social history from CSH indicates Mr. Brents grew up in an extremely chaotic and abusive home environment…Brent’s father continued to be very abusive toward him, and indeed, fractured the orbit in his eye.  He was hospitalized and Dependence and Neglect charges were filed, however, they were later dropped for some reason.

-Colorado State Hospital Social Summary report on Brents, Jan. 4, 1989

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There is no present or future

There is no present or future—only the past, happening over and over again, now.

-Eugene O’Neill (sent to Amy by Brents on March 25, 2006)

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A danger to himself

I do consider Mr. Brents to be a danger to himself and to others at this time. He has a very extensive past history of violence and, thus far, has not made significant progress in learning more adaptive coping mechanisms.

-Psychiatric Evaluation on Brents, Colorado State Hospital, March 29, 1991

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Sexual abuse

According to the history, Mr. Brent’s father began sexually abusing him at the age of four and continued this abuse until the age of eight. This included forced fellatio. The father also physically abused him and, on more than one occasion, threatened him with a gun or a knife. He also apparently beat him to the extent that he fractured the orbit of one of his eyes. Mr. Brents was also sexually abused by his mother from the age of four until the age of 13.

-Psychiatric Evaluation report on Brents, Colorado State Hospital, March 29, 1991

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