I respect and admire your courage. Amy and i have shared the goal of giving victims of Rape, sexual abuse and any other abuses suffered a safe place to have a voice of their own. A safe secure place. I am thankful you found the site and chose to use it for what it is meant for.
I would like to address what the Dr. told you “If you do what you have always done, you’ll get what you always get.” That is the bitter truth of my life. I kept my own mind a prisoner, in my own never ending cycle of mindless hate and anger at those who used me. Never being able to let go of that which tortured me.
Jane i was a victim. But i became a monster of sorts, because it was an easier, safer way to live. Sad but true. It was easier to lash out and harm others, than it was to be truthful and honest with myself. I did not know how to handle the guilt and shame.
You spoke of emptiness. With each person i ever hurt, there was the idea that i could fell that emptiness, that barren place in my soul. But all i accomplished was creating an empty barren place in another human being.
I could have tried harder when the opportunities to change presented themselves in my life. They were there, and there were good people who attempted to help me do so. But i chose to have power and control through brutality. And having known personaly how being raped and abused affected me, i chose rape as my weapon.
Jane in these last five years I have been able to let go of that need for power and control over others. I am vulnerable as hell emotionaly and physicaly. It sucks not to have control over my life. Yes people are angry with me for speaking out. For my being a rapist. I live in a world were 95 % of the people would kill me if they could. I stopped feeling sorry for myself, and i accept the life i live physicaly and emotionaly, is the least of the justice my victims deserve. They deserve more.
There is not one single day that goes by that i don’t feel guilt and shame for what i have done. To the many people who did not deserve my rage, hatred or brutality. There are constant reminders of the animal that i was. No one can punish me more than i punish myself.
So this is a quote from your letter. “I think i am cursed with empathy, because i cannot bring myself to be angry enough at my attacker, in order to grasp closure. Anger can sew up wounds, but it can also keep ripping them open.”
I sincerely wish i knew what to say to that. I found only recently that i wasn’t so angry at my parents for their abuse, as i was at their denials. I felt so low and worthless. I could not then, nor can i now understand how either could say they loved me and yet Deny everything that ever happened. I never wanted an apology from them. All i really wanted was to be validated and loved. Yet they were incapable of saying privately to me, What we did was wrong. Still to this day my mom denies it. I’m not angry at her anymore. I will always have a lingering sense of sadness i suppose. For the loss of what could have been.
Jane empathy is not a curse. I have learned these last few years that good people are people who have empathy. You are good people. I have seen how people with empathy can change lives.
I see someone, a human being such as yourself, And how rape has affected you. I feel shame and self hatred. And Sad because there have been millions of victims of rape and abuse who don’t choose to act out and hurt others as i have. But what is worse is there are millions who do and probably as many who are never caught. A Sad reality.
For your sake i hope that someday you can find what it is that helps you find closure. I am sincerely sorry that your life was deprived of safety and sanity by someone like myself. If there is any way i can help in your healing process i will do so sincerely through Amy. Above all i hope that you continue to use the site to help yourself and others.
Your courage is awesome, i hope it inspires others to use the site. And yes there needs to be discussion. Not only for those who have suffered. But for those who are and who will suffer. It is my hope that the site will not only be a safe place for healing, But a place for those who are being abused to be able to use the help offered there.
And Jane, may you find peace and freedom.