Violence, sexual physical and emotional and verbal. To do as i say and Not as i do. Promisquety. Drug and alcohol addiction. To be secretive and silent about what went on in our home. Poor hygiene, poor communication skills. All by my parents, family and most of their friends.
Yet there were some good, really really good loving and caring people who tried really hard to free me from the crap my parents and others filled my head with. I just couldn’t do two things. I couldn’t face the responsibility for my behavior (Humiliation) and i couldn’t bring myself to trust any one ever.
Brent Brents 8-10-11
Tag Archives: Brent Brents
I just couldn’t do two things
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Writing Diary of a Predator: A Memoir
Part three:
When writing a non-fiction book, at some point it’s a good idea to show a draft of it to people who are experts on the topics you’re covering. Since my book was true crime, I figured the best constructive criticism I could get would be from cops.
Actually, I didn’t have much hope as far as the “constructive” part. Since the main storyline of the book centered on the case of a serial rapist (Brent Brents) I expected the conversations to go something like this:
“No, I didn’t read it. And why the hell would you want to write about that sonofabitch?”
Still, I called on four screening candidates; two in Tampa (where I used to live), and two in Denver. A homicide detective, a street cop who was now a private detective, a narcotics detective and a vice detective.
I emailed the first chapter and the summaries of the rest, now filled out by notes, and braced myself for a flurry of contempt, like I was proposing a tax increase on the upper bracket to a room full of Republicans.
Instead, much to my surprise, the reaction was curiosity and encouragement.
“It’s pretty good,” said the street-cop-turned-private-detective. “You need more detail about what he looks like in that first scene, though.”
“Good for you!” said the vice cop. “I thought it was interesting.”
“Are you alright?” asked the homicide detective on the phone. He called me immediately after reading a section that detailed the emotional difficulties of covering the case. “Yes, that was years ago!” I told him.
And the biggest compliment came from the narcotics detective, who said he was intrigued by the revelations about how Brents’ mind worked, but that he found the parts about the life of a reporter the most fascinating of all.
“You work the same way we do–it’s just you’re going after a story and not the arrest,” he said to me in surprise. And then he added the line that at this point I was used to hearing: “Put more of you and the reporter stuff in there.”
So I did. And about the time I started thinking things were taking shape and the story was really coming together, I got a call from someone who wanted me to write a different book altogether.
To be continued…
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i am going to stop taking the meds
I’m having a pretty difficult time at the moment ok for two weeks now. I think i am going to stop taking the meds. I’m really not doing well. I’m in zombie land. Have been for awhile and it’s Taking a toll on me. I can’t explain in words how i feel. It just sucks.
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a healthy balance of Love and support
I do think that treatment of 1st time sexual offenders in the juvinile and the adult system should be one of close scrutiny on the persons thoughts and feelings from a psychological viewpoint, support from friends and family. If they are not available or lack the moral fiber, then the system should find a willing family that wants to be there for emotional and social support.
The institution should be a specific institution to treat sex offenders only. And there should be a healthy balance of Love and support from people not connected to the system and from those who work with the offender in the system.
Psychology should be there, but with an understanding that a group effort to mature the offenders sense of empathy and compasion. Especially the younger offenders.
-Brent Brents 10-29-11
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stopping myself from hurting others
I think that my honesty sometimes disarms peoples true thoughts and feelings about what i have done. I’ve definitely changed from then to now but we both know sadly that i only see one way out of prison or stopping myself from hurting others. It would be easy to say i wouldn’t hurt others out there. But we both know how volitile my mood swings are.
-Brent Brents 10-29-11
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Writing Diary of a Predator: A Memoir
Part two.
When I first started writing the book, I put together the requisite non-fiction book proposal: I wrote the first chapter, summaries of the rest of the chapters, and an overview. Then, as I said earlier, the interested publisher got fired, my literary agent never called me back and I decided to give the book project a break.
A really long break.
Every once in a while, I’d open up the Word file and peek at the chapter and the summaries. It was a standard true-crime book, told in narrative fashion, which is my favorite form of writing and one that I learned at the St. Petersburg Times. And slowly, the heavy rock of discouragement lifted, and I started to be drawn back to the book more and more.
The tweaking began.
And since all writers need feedback, I started cautiously asking different people if they’d give their opinions. I eventually got downright bold about it, emailing the entire thing first to my sister, and then to a close friend.
“Not bad,” they both said. “But you need to put more of yourself in it.”
Ak! That’s not what reporters do. We are classically trained in, Just the facts, ma’am, and we don’t insert ourselves into our stories.
But these were people whose opinions I respected, so I revealed a little more of what it was like to report on that serial rapist case.
And they became like hungry baby birds: “More! More!”
So I did. And the more I revealed, the easier the self disclosure became. Soon it wasn’t enough to just detail the process and the effects of covering this case, I decided that I needed to include some of my history so that the reader would have context for my reactions and choices.
And then I took a deep breath, and gave the bare bones of the book to an audience I was sure would hate it: Cops.
To be continued…
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1178 in The Stand
I’m on 1178 in The Stand. Dayna Jurgens is in Las Vegas. I love this book! 🙂 I love how it is about faith but not so die hard. When Nick tells Mother Abigail he isn’t a believer she’s ok with it. She still believes in him. And Tom Cullen Talk about innocent in God’s eyes. Moon Spell Tom.
-Brent Brents 10-23-11
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My brain is like a waste water plant
So truth be told i am struggling with the meds a bit. I’m OK, but not ok. I don’t really know how to explain mental illness. In my classes over the years I’ve been taught to try to verbalize my feelings thru pictures. So i guess the best way i can describe it is this. My brain is like a waste water plant lots of shit goes in and clean water goes out but it’s not purely clean. It still has micro particles of medications. So some people are still engesting them. My brain is a muddle of shit right now. But it will get processed in time. So please hang in there ok. I’m there Amy. My heart and soul are there. Even if my brain is messed up.
-Brent Brents 10-23-11
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tension tremors
So this is the first day in two and a half weeks i have been able to hold a pen, spoon, piece of bread or book, cup, etc. without really bad tremors. They are called tension tremors its a temporary side effect. It comes and goes. Sometimes to bad to do anything usefull other times its just a tiny tick of a muscle.
-Brent Brents 10-22-11
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How do we help the Margarets of the world?
When producers with Investigation Discovery called Margaret for an interview, she told them she would feel more comfortable if I was there. I had interviewed Margaret for a story in February 2005, shortly after she was raped and beaten by Brent Brents in her home. He had stalked her for three days, and attacked her as she returned home from a walk. At the time of that first interview, she still had bruises on her face and throat from where he hit and choked her.
Margaret and I talked often while her case wound its way through the court system. During a hearing in Aurora in July 2005, Brents pleaded guilty to Margaret’s attack and also to molesting a little boy.
The day of the hearing, Margaret astounded me when she asked me to deliver a message to Brents for her: “Tell him I forgive him.”
After it all ended, we would call each other from from time to time, and she would update me on her life since the assault. It’s been a constant struggle. I have tried to help Margaret in small ways–by lending an ear, offering encouragement or helping her find resources, such as how to get her dog recognized as an emotional support dog because she needs him to be able to go out in public.
I don’t think most people, unless they are a survivor themselves, ever truly realize how hard it can be to piece one’s life back together after a sexual assault. So here are Margaret’s words that I wrote down before that interview with her a few weeks ago, describing the hell she’s been through and her own personal journey to try to not hate the man who took so much from her:
Now I feel like I should crawl in a hole and hide my face. One advocate told me that she’d been raped at 15. She fussed at me that I should help my husband pack up our things because I didn’t want to stay in the house anymore. One victim advocate told me that the way I looked caused him to attack me–that I was small, vulnerable. I felt like after that it was my fault. She told me, ‘You’re going overboard with this.’ I started crying, ‘I’m sorry, this is the way I feel right now, I can’t help it.’ I felt like I was just a monster, too.
Someone told my husband, ‘What was she thinking taking the RTD (bus)?’ It was my fault for looking dumb and short and small. That I look like a victim.
I’m not feeling bad for the man who tried to kill me but for the little boy who had the same thing that happened to him.
I’m always scared. Always jumpy. I’m treated differently everywhere I go.
I’m not the same person any more.
In my dreams, it’s like I have to save him. It wasn’t the way he was born. What can a little boy do when his mother and father treat him that way?
I never think that little boy says, ‘This is what I want to do for the rest of my life.’ I’m sure he wasn’t doing that because it made him happy. And he’s still a person. I’m not going to say he’s an animal.
If it was me, I would want people to try to help me or try to listen to me and not look at me like I’m an animal or a monster.
When you hate somebody, it’s always there, torturing you. I’m not about to be judging anybody.
What would I say to other victims? Stay busy. Forgive. Forget. Because if you hate somebody, you’re never gonna get cured, ever. The best thing to do is forgive.
Hating is not hard. If I go on hating the person for what happened to me I will never get over it. I have to forgive in order to forget and move on.
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Diary of a Predator 