Category Archives: The story

This is a post from Ellen, whose story is featured in the book. She lost a daughter, and in her grief and despair, turned to her religion for comfort. In doing so, she promised God that she would pray for someone, and that someone ended up being Brent. They began to write. To this day, they still do, and this is Ellen explaining that dynamic.

Who we are is not just a reflection of our past, but who we have become.  I would like to show the Brent that I know.  Brent has been a true friend and like a brother to me.  He honestly has been there for me since day one.  He could see that I was hurting and not dealing with life, when I wouldn’t even acknowledge that there was a problem.  He helped me see that I needed to grieve and that it was alright to do so – and he did this at a time when he at the lowest point of life emotionally himself. People have said he is incapable of compassion, but I find that statement to be incorrect.  He has always been compassionate, patient and caring toward me. He has never once tried to use me in any way, which honestly, I truly thought he would when I first decided to correspond with him.  Being there for me probably was not easy for him considering that most people abandoned him in life.  Trust in people is very hard for him, and understandably so.  So for Brent to try to be a friend to me was actually a great risk on his part, but he did do it.  The Brent I know puts his faith in God, reads the Bible daily, has deep regret for the pain he has caused others and lives for God and to help others.

God did not create anything “bad” or “evil”.  Evil happens when we walk away from God, because then we are walking away from love and goodness.  Evil is simply an absence of God.  Once God is put back into one’s life, goodness and love also will come back into a person’s life. How do I see Brent?  When I first knew him, he was simply someone that I felt needed help. Now, I see Brent as a child of God, a friend and like a brother to myself, someone who has helped me tremendously, has stood by my side even when I’ve been wrong (and wasn’t afraid to tell me so) and someone that I’ve seen God works through time and time again.

Ellen

I love NPR. And one of the 217 reasons why started airing this week, a series about prostitution in Nashville. Once again, it exposes the links between rape, sexual abuse and prostitution. Read on:

Ms. BECCA STEVENS (Founder, Magdalene): I have never met a woman in 20 years coming off the streets of Nashville, Tennessee, who has not been raped. I have never met a woman coming off the streets of Nashville, Tennessee, that, you know, chose prostitution as their preferred career at the age of six, seven, eight and nine. Never met a woman coming off the streets of Nashville, Tennessee, who had a penny to her name. And I never met a woman coming off the streets of Nashville, Tennessee, who hadn’t seen the inside of prison walls, the short side of all the justice we have to offer and the underside of bridges.

And those are girls that started out, you know, a lot of them, you know, maybe it’s a strip club, maybe it’s going as an escort with a doctor. But, you know, the circumstances and some of the choices have led to a really dangerous and hellish lifestyle.

A rape survivor wrote a blog entry on the excellent website “Feministing,” marking with painful irony the anniversary of her assault. And she succinctly summed up the ongoing injustice regarding rape in this country:

While there are some amazing organizations out there aimed at various issues involving rape culture, there is a massively gaping hole in which the majority of society’s disinterest falls into. There is a blurry line between being apathetic and being a bystander to injustices.

Patricia, a regular reader, wrote to Amy last week to describe her own experience with abuse and forgiveness.

Brent,
I truly don’t believe that of Amy. I believe it started out as a job for her and turned into something more that she and you didn’t see coming. People develop relationship for all kinds of reasons. Good or Bad, relationships has a seed and the farmers (people in the relationship) just tend it, to wait and see what happens. Yes they have some control where it can go but the feelings involved in that relationship is what isn’t in their control. I have wrote a few entries to you today because my brother is like you but he is weakness is children. For many years I had loved and worshipped my brother, but one day he did things to me that turned that love into a hatred I couldn’t control. That hatred led me into my adult life but then my father told me one day that people can’t control what they feel but they can control what they do with those feelings. Wise words from someone that loved both my abuser and myself (my abuser’s victim). I testified against my brother when he was accused of sexually abusing a child. I thought that would take my pain away but it didn’t. So another 6 or 7 years passed and my father was on his death bed giving me those wise words to help me understand I can’t control anything in life but what I did. So I sit down and wrote my brother in prison and forgave him. That is when all of the weight of my pain was lifted. No I didn’t forget what he did to me, but forgiving him gave me my life back. That is what I hope you understand. You took a part of those people’s life from them. I hope your victims can forgive you one day. Not to make you feel better but to make them feel better. Brent, May God watch over you and all that people that you hurt. I hope to be able to write in this blog to you more often because what is going through your head helps me understand what happen to me as well.

Amy wanted to respond.

Dear Patricia,

Thank you for taking the time to write. I’m sorry for the pain of your childhood. I hope this site does more to help you heal than cause you more pain.

And I agree with you about forgiveness. I believe it’s the only true mechanism of healing. And, like you, I had an abusive brother–I write about it in the book.

The reasons why I continue to write Brent are complex, but mostly deal with karma. I learned life-changing lessons from knowing Brent and covering his case, and afterward made the decision to be a constant in his life as my way of giving back.

I didn’t do that for my brother-I cut him out of my life and hated him until he died, and I regret that now.

But in the same breath, I recognize that everyone follows their own path, and I would understand if Brents’ victims never forgave him. I hope they find their own peace, and as you said, for their sake, not his.

Brent has told me many times that he would never ask for forgiveness. I think he feels he does not deserve it.

As far as these posts helping you understand–I am very heartened by that. I continue to put up Brent’s writing because it shows the very human side of him. It’s harder to dismiss someone as a monster when you start to understand them. Harder to hate them, too, and I don’t think that hate gets any of us anywhere.

Thank you for contributing.

Patricia’s letter also affected Lauretta, another reader, who wrote about her own experiences.

Dear Patricia:
Your response really touched me. As a victim of physical and sexual abuse, I was so bitter and angry all of the time. I didn’t release the rage until the year 2000 when I wrote my book Survival of the Fittest…One Child’s Life in the Foster Care System. Even then, I still couldn’t forgive my father for leaving me in the foster care system and for attempting to rape me when I met him at 21 years of age. I don’t understand why people are so cruel and why they have the odd need to hurt eachother. Yet, I realize that I should have forgiven my Dad. Because by the time I reached out to him, he had been dead two years and no one bothered to contact me. Sometimes, I think of him with a pain in my chest. It isn’t what happened that hurts me. It is what could’ve been that sears my soul until I cry.

Please share your own stories. Comment or send an email to Amy.

A reader says:

I just wanted to say that I was brutally attacked and abused as a child. I grew up homeless with my mother and was also abused by her.By the time I was 13 I was a prostitute and full blown drug addict and alcoholic. I was held at gun point , kidnapped and raped and assaulted over the years more times than I can count. I am now 37 years old and although I have had a history of being in Jails and misdemeanor offenses over the years , I was very tempted to commit crimes , one of them being to kill my mother , I never did. There is no excuse to be violent and cause others pain. I have attempted suicide many times , and failed….but I wanted to say that I , being a person with an exremly tragic past where silent violence was done to me from the time I was a toddler , have not abused another person like this man. I do think that God has provided for him in a friend like you. I think that if he would have had a compassionate caregiver as a child it would have vastly changed him.

Falling through the cracks of the system is something that happens to people like me and people like him all of the time. I only went to the 1st week of 7th grade and have had so many problems that I cannot even focus enough to obtain my GED. I have not been able to hold a job and the jobs I have had , are nothing more than flipping burgers or picking up trash. The way I was treated in my life caused me to feel just like that , trash. But I never give up and continue to try to overcome and even when I feel like taking out my anger on others , I do something else. I pray , or when I am so mad at God I cannot do that , I get drunk….or stay in bed and watch TV. Thats how I saw the program that you were on. I try not to feel sorry for myself , and realize that I am not less than human although I feel like I am.

Everybody needs somebody. And you are that person for this man. I don’t buy the excuse that his childhood made him do it , because of my own life , but I think that whatever it is , it is good for him to have you as a friend and I hope that he can someday face what he did without blaming someone else , although in essence I do blame others and even God sometimes for not being able to get it together. Thanks for seeing one person in this world and having compassion where noone else would. It lets me know that there are people who still have feelings. Whose hearts aren’t hardened. One more glimpse of Hope and a little more faith , this gives to people . Faith in mankind.

Rhebecca

Dear Rhebecca,

Thank you for sharing your story, especially on your efforts to deal with your anger over what happened to you. I’m glad you have not let it define you.

And please know I agree with you–I don’t buy the excuse that Brents’ childhood made him hurt others–that was his choice. Knowing about his background helps explain the “why” behind the havoc he wreaked upon others, but it sure doesn’t excuse it.

I think that over the years, he has come to blame no one but himself. As it should be.

And, again, you’re right–I do have compassion for him. Not pity, but compassion. And honestly, before I covered his case, I had hardened my heart from years of covering difficult stories. And then his case showed me a lot about human nature–not just from him, but from his attorney, and some of his victims, and by how the mainstream media reacted–and I slowly started to change. I’m still cynical at times. I’m a work in progress. But I do what I can, and it’s comments like yours to this website that continue to nudge me in the right direction.

Whatever you do, Rhebbecca, don’t give up your faith. It may feel like it at times, but you are not alone.

–Amy

A reader writes:

A close friend of mine was assaulted by this creature, you call him human and not an animal. We’re all primal animals in human form, affected by our civilizing process and our own emotional/intellectual choices. Nothing you’ve posted here by him is original, lots of previous books etc. published trying to “understand” violent predators. I resent that your efforts give him a forum, whether you intend it or not. We’re nearing the anniversary month for many of his Denver victims, and I suspect your motives for bringing out your book at this time. What if we just let him rot where he belongs, with no websites about him, no one making money from him (no matter where it gets donated), no one caring what happens to him, as he clearly did not care what he did to children and women.

First and last time I’ll view your website.

I’m very sorry for the pain that Brents has caused your friend, as well as his other victims, and those who care for them. And I understand why you disagree about his humanity.

You need to know that I have no “motive” regarding the timing of the publishing of my book about this case. It was actually scheduled to be published by December 1, and then due to circumstances beyond my control which included difficulties in converting the files electronically, as well as then an emergency issue with my elderly parents, it was delayed.

The e-book version should finish uploading soon, and that process evolved at its own pace with no one manipulating the timing. But the print edition will not be published for another three to four months.

I’m aware that February is a wrenching month for many because of Brents, and I’m also aware that there are those he hurt whose painful anniversaries fall on different days of the year, all year.

The book is a dual memoir, and it covers my story more than his–which is the journey of my growing realization of how we in the media often lose sight of our best selves in the desperate competition for stories. Toward that end, I feel it’s an important story worth sharing.

I wish you peace.

–Amy Herdy

Sixty-one percent of teen prostitutes say they were raped as children.

That’s a statistic from an excellent story by Youth Radio about child sex trafficking that aired on NPR tonight. It points out to a depressing pattern of victimization that many in the sex for sale industry continue to live out every day.

And it’s why part of the proceeds from the sale of Diary of a Predator books will go to Street’s Hope, a non-profit Denver-based organization that helps women leave the sex for sale industry. So even as I get frustrated with all of the time it takes to get a book ready for publication, I’m heartened because in some small way, it might help someone.

Thank you for sharing your thoughts. I am always gratified and heartened by those who understand that this site is a search for the “why” behind sexual assault and abuse in order to prevent these cycles.

For the person who wanted to know if Brents could be lying about his childhood-please know there are medical and psychological records (some are posted on this site) that confirm he was sexually abused by both parents and also physically abused by his father. I obtained those records from the Denver Public Defender’s Office after Brents signed a HIPPA release. Brents’ younger brother was permanently removed from the home. Brents was removed from the home but returned.

For the person who implied that this site “idolizes” Brents–let me be clear. I do not idolize Brents. Nor do I feel sorry for him. Nor do I believe that anything could possibly justify his crimes. I, too, believe he should never be free.

Yet he is not an animal. He’s a human being who committed horrific acts and I want to know why. Denying his humanity or how he was made only serves to perpetuate the existence of predators like him.

And if illuminating the issues of his case raises awareness that helps just one person, it’s worth it.

This is in response to the school counselor who had questions about reporting suspected abuse. Your school should have its own policy, so ask administrators what that is. If that’s not clear, or is insufficient, contact your state’s department of social services on what the law is and how to report.

Also, here’s some information, below. The most important elements to remember are that those who work with children, such as educators and counselors, are mandated reporters–which means they are required by law to report suspected abuse or neglect. And that word “suspected” is key-the law does not expect those educators and counselors to be investigators. Also, state laws vary, but mandated reporters are protected for confidentiality.

This is from the U.S. Department of Health & Human Services.

Every State legally mandates that educators report suspected child abuse and neglect. A mandated reporter is anyone required by State law to report maltreatment to the designated State agency. However, some States clearly define that teachers, principals, nurses, and counselors are included in this mandate, while other States designate all school personnel. In addition, almost every State levies a penalty against mandated reporters who choose not to report. This penalty ranges from a fine, a misdemeanor charge, or time spent in jail. Until recently, most States did not strictly enforce these penalties, but this has changed within the last few years. A number of States have sanctioned nonreporters for failing to obey reporting laws, so it is important that educators know the reporting laws for their State.

In addition to penalties for not reporting abuse and neglect, all States provide immunity from civil liability and criminal penalty for mandated reporters who report in good faith. In other words, the law requires educators to report child abuse and neglect, provides protection for those educators who become involved, and penalizes those who fail to meet their obligations.

For information about each state’s requirement and where to make a report, the Rape, Abuse & Incest National Network has excellent information on their website.

And here’s some tips on how to recognize signs of child abuse or neglect, again from the U.S. Department of Health & Human Services.

The following signs may signal the presence of child abuse or neglect. The child:

• Shows sudden changes in behavior or school performance
• Has not received help for physical or medical problems brought to the parents’ attention
• Has learning problems (or difficulty concentrating) that cannot be attributed to specific physical or psychological causes
• Is always watchful, as though preparing for something bad to happen
• Lacks adult supervision
• Is overly compliant, passive, or withdrawn
• Comes to school or other activities early, stays late, and does not want to go home

The parent:

• Shows little concern for the child
• Denies the existence of, or blames the child for, the child’s problems in school or at home
• Asks teachers or other caretakers to use harsh physical discipline if the child misbehaves
• Sees the child as entirely bad, worthless, or burdensome
• Demands a level of physical or academic performance the child cannot achieve
• Looks primarily to the child for care, attention, and satisfaction of emotional needs

The parent & child:

• Rarely touch or look at each other
• Consider their relationship entirely negative
• State that they do not like each other

To answer the question of, Were Brents’ parents ever charged? -According to the few records on this I’ve been able to find so far, his father was arrested on abuse and neglect charges, but the case was dropped-I don’t know why; there was no reason stated. His mother, as far as I know, was never arrested or charged.

To the woman who is concerned that Brents is lying about a childhood of abuse in order to manipulate me-thank you for your concern.  Please know I have copies of medical and psychological records that document physical, sexual and emotional abuse done to Brents by his parents during his childhood, and I obtained these documents from the Denver Public Defender’s office after Brents signed a HIPPA release form.

To the woman who strongly disagrees with the premise of this project and believes I am using it to further my career–I understand that these topics bring up strong emotions and reactions. Thank you for sharing yours. And if I were not already solidly confident in the work I’ve done over the years, I would never be able to do this project. In other words, it’s been my career so far that has led me to this case, not the other way around.