I suffer Continual Shame and guilt

I hope i have done right by all these last few years. It’s Not easy to have a brain that works the way Mine does. I don’t think they would understand, believe or care that i actualy suffer from an illness that i don’t think anyone will understand for a long time. I suppose that there is No Medical diagnosis for someone who unwantingly has violent sexual fantacies and ideas thousands of times a day some days. I suffer Continual Shame and guilt. I don’t want to be Like this Any More than anyone else does. It’s frustratingly Maddening. It affects so much of My day to day life. It drives me to the brink of suicide More often than i care to admit. I feel dirty and vile all the time. It sucks that i size up every womans sex as i see them. It doesn’t discriminate. Fat, Short, Old, Skinny, Pretty, Tall, Young. Red Blonde Black or Pink hair. Race or anything…I would rather be back on heroin and booze 24/7. At least by now i would be dead….I remember those women standing in that courtroom saying i hope you suffer the same pain you caused us. And the Judge saying i hope you use every day of this time to think about what you’ve done. Well they have no idea. Here i am. Not feeling Sorry for myself. This thing whatever it is eats at me every minute of every day for them. So much this thing drives me.

–Brent Brents

1 Comment

Filed under Prison

One response to “I suffer Continual Shame and guilt

  1. Natasha

    Gosh Brent, I can feel your pain and understand it. I wish you some peace between these times of torment and try to remember that you are not bad, bad thoughts are not bad, what was done to YOU was bad, what you did to others was bad, but all this painful stuff doesn’t define you. You are an intelligent man. I commend, admire and respect your efforts to understand yourself, life, and your efforts with Amy to help us understand this kind of darkness too. I think we all have darkness and torment, and depending how badly we were tormented by others, the way we experience and act out our torment will be different. Peace to you Brent. I am so sorry for the horror your parents put you through, NOBODY deserves to suffer this way.

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