Tag Archives: predator

by | March 17, 2012 · 8:32 pm

One Survivor to Another: There are People Affected by Your Honesty and Amazing Courage

I received the following message to this website, Diary of a Predator, only yesterday. The television show the writer refers to is “On the Case with Paula Zahn,” which featured an episode on the case of serial rapist Brent Brents called “Beyond Redemption.” :

Name: Joni
Comment: Ms. Herdy–

Since first seeing the “Beyond Redemption” television show and having seen it several times since then, I’m compelled to contact you in the hope you can advise me how to proceed.

I read on your blog how respectful you are of Brent Brent’s victims and I’m so impressed by that. The last thing I want to do is cause m0re pain for any of them. This is why I need your help.

There was an Hispanic woman who was a victim of Brents’ that bravely went on the show. One thing she said effected me greatly and that I’ve never been able to forget. She was describing her feelings after the assault, one of which was “I feel stupid.” Like so many others, I have an assault in my past and I never used “stupid” to name my feelings.

But as soon as I heard her say it, I connected with her so strongly. Her affect was very, very flat and I wondered if she’d had counseling. Even now I cry for her.

What I’d like her to know more than anything is that she was never stupid, never deserving of the assault and that I know that profoundly. I will always remember her and wish her well. However, I would never want to force this contact on her or be hurtful or thoughtless.

Can you tell me the best way to proceed? If there is no way to let her know this, I accept that. I just want her to know that there are people out there who she has affected with her honesty and amazing courage.

Thank you so much for your bravery as well. You’ve taken a lot of criticism for your association with Brents.

Sincerely-Joni

So I made a phone call, and then I wrote her back.

Dear Joni,

That was a very kind and thoughtful letter.

You are referring to Margaret, and I still stay in touch with her. And your letter was so touching that I immediately called her and asked if  she wanted to know what it said, and she said yes. So I read it to her.

She was very touched. She still has a lot of fear about talking to people she doesn’t know, so she wasn’t comfortable emailing you back, but she wanted me to give you this message:

“It was really nice of you to remember me after all this time. Sometimes I feel very disconnected, and your letter made me realize I’m not so alone.

What happened to me was awful, but along the way I’ve met a lot of nice people.”

As for my being brave, well, I truly think it’s folks like Margaret-and you–who take the time to connect with others who are the brave ones.

I don’t know if you’ve read the book, but I have a long section in there about Margaret, because she taught me a lot about forgiveness.

Thank you for writing.

Amy

Bearing witness to that compassionate exchange between those two amazing women helps reinforce my faith in humanity.

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by | March 10, 2012 · 7:12 pm

Their lives are clean

You know Some people out there Amy really don’t understand violence. Their lives are clean. The girl who wrote the review in the Daily Camera probably is one of those people. I’m glad for her. But sad to.

I think sometimes people need to know the reality. It sounds like you accomplished that in the book (note from Amy: he’s referring to the book, Diary of a Predator: A Memoir).

Maybe carrying that character from the book will make her more self aware in a good way.

Brent Brents 2-25-12

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by | February 14, 2012 · 9:55 pm

He found one of his victims

I was chugging through my day today when a message was sent to this website, Diary of a Predator, that stopped me in my tracks:

“So this morning i woke up, and thought ‘valentines day’ then thought ‘ugh. Brent Brents’.  I did a search and found your site & book.
7 years ago today i had my near-brush with him…  I had just gotten back in town from a vacation and had no idea there was a serial rapist in denver/cap-hill.  It was valentines day and I was driving to my boyfriends house with a gift and expecting to have dinner.
I cut through the neighborhood behind Cheesman, and stopped at a 4-way-stop like no other.  The victimized grandmother flagged me down and i let her in my car, and that night turned into something crazy..  As you know BB affected a lot of people, even me.. my world was messed up and i left that night scared, upset, and mad at myself for not doing or trying to do any more that night.. I hate valentines day, and i know why.  But i don’t dare complain too much because what i went through doesn’t compare to what any of the victims went through.  i’ll never forgive myself for not doing more.
I guess the point of my email is to ask if you know if the Grandmother and 2 grand-daughters are ok now?

Alain”

And I replied:

“Hi, Alain,

My first reaction to your note was, Bless your heart. And yes, he certainly did affect a lot of people, and I can certainly understand that you’ve never forgotten that night. That’s a very traumatic experience. And it doesn’t take away from anything any of the victims went through to acknowledge that. You don’t have to have the traumatic event happen to you in order to be deeply affected by it–there is such a thing as secondary post traumatic stress disorder, and that comes from witnessing someone go through a horrible event. It sounds like you did everything you could to help the grandmother, and that there’s some “survivor’s guilt” there. Just my observation.

To answer your question, no, I don’t know how the grandmother and two girls are doing today–while I was still at the Post, the family declined contact, and I respected that with the book, feeling that to contact them would be invading their privacy.  I let the Denver DA’s office know before the website went up and the book came out so that they could give the victims a “heads up” about it. I do stay in touch with one of his victims, a woman from Aurora named Margaret, and life is a struggle for her every day. So yes, there’s a lot of residual damage.

It’s all so very sad.”

-And then I asked Alain if I could post his comment, and he gave me permission. And he ended his email with this:

“And ignore the haters that are mad at you for trying to understand BB, you really are giving the world a better insight to why people become what they are.  Understanding & knowledge are power to change the future.”

-And so I’m left with this thought: Bless your heart, Alain. And thank you.

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by | February 5, 2012 · 10:18 pm

Is Being a Sociopath a Choice?

Someone recently said this about my book, Diary of a Predator: A Memoir, which is about my experience covering the case of serial rapist Brent Brents:

“Yes, he had a troubled childhood, however so many others do and don’t become a sociopath.”

That line started me thinking: Does someone choose to become a sociopath?  I started looking up research, which points to three factors that contribute to someone being a sociopath:

1. Genetics. Where Brents is concerned, that’s a check. Records and accounts from family members indicate that Brents’ father was a violent, sadistic man. The two children from his second marriage were removed from the home because of his abuse, and Brents and his brother, the product of his father’s third marriage, were removed from the home but records show Brents was returned for unknown reasons.

2. Brain abnormality, either caused from genetics or brain injury. Check. When he was 12, Brents suffered a left orbital blowout fracture (his left eye socket was crushed) and he had seizures ever since.  Research indicates that a sociopath’s brain is different from a normal brain–that it has little activity in the orbital cortex, the area of the brain that controls behavior.

3. Child abuse. Check. Brents’ severe, systematic abuse at the hands of his father is documented in medical records.

I’m not saying these factors are an excuse for the violence Brents upon others. He still ultimately made choices.  But perhaps it could explain why someone like Brents demonstrated such violence and  a lack of empathy–because his brain was predisposed toward it, lacked the ability to recognize the consequences of it on others and the abuse inflicted upon him was his model.

 

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by | January 17, 2012 · 6:00 am

A Tale of Two Predators, Indeed

A tale of two PredatorsI always brace myself when other media interview me, but Boulder Weekly Art & Entertainment Editor David Accomazzo was able to tackle the complicated elements of my book about covering the case of serial rapist Brent Brents, Diary of a Predator: A Memoir, and hone in on its essence in an articulate way:

“Herdy tells her side of her strange, unsettling relationship with the serial rapist in her book, Diary of a Predator. It’s a true crime retelling of  Brents’ story, but it’s also what Herdy calls a “dual memoir.” It’s both the story of Brents’ horrific childhood as well as an intensely personal, revealing look at Herdy’s role as the journalist telling his story, and the effect it wrought on her and her family. She describes the book in the prologue as ‘the tale of two predators — one a criminal, the other a journalist.'”

Read the rest of David’s piece: http://www.boulderweekly.com/article-7316-a-tale-of-two-predators.html

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by | January 11, 2012 · 11:37 am

Reader: It Will Stay with Me Forever

This comment was sent to me through the Diary of a Predator website just this morning from a woman in the U.K. who read my book, Diary of a Predator: A Memoir. I’m sharing this letter because it underscores exactly why I wrote the book. It’s incredibly gratifying to know people like her exist:

“I just finished reading your book and I have to say it was amazing.  I am very interested in the criminal mind and am sure I have missed my calling as a criminal psychologist/forensic person and this is the book I have been waiting for.  I watch loads of show on serial offenders, loads of psychology, read true crime, etc, and the ‘why’ has always fascinated me.  I found myself laughing at Brent, crying with you, and getting so angry at the reporter who got him put into solitary that it surprised me!!

I would like to thank you for writing this book, for the courage it took both you and Brent Brents to write it and for the compassion you have.  I am a Wiccan and my husband is a Buddhist, and I am filled with empathy for people who others shudder to think how anyone could have.  We are always trying to grow in that way and to use compassion as our compass and you have shown me a new way to do so, you and other people in the book, such as Margaret and Ellen (I think?  woman who lost her daughter in a car crash).  There is always, always, another story underneath the ones we see on the surface and you have proved that in a way that totally surprised me.  I feared he would kill himself before he found something worthy in himself to himself, and that fact surprised me.  I really felt sorrow and sadness for how his life ended up.  And I hope that he continues to grow in the way he was in the book.  To feel that in spite of what he did his life is worth something.

Amazing.  Thanks for writing this book, thanks for showing it from the side of the predator and thanks to Brent for being so honest.  It will stay with me forever, the story and the lesson. Thanks to you both.  Great courage you both displayed.  Amazing.”

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by | November 29, 2011 · 7:57 pm

Reader question: How can I avoid being hurt by someone like Brents?

I got an email from someone who’s about halfway through reading Diary of a Predator: A Memoir  that said, “The book is fascinating, but it also scares me to death.”

Toward that end, the young woman said,  “I’d like to know from these kinds of folks what the best way is to avoid being hurt by them.

“And I’d like to know that from you, too. What do you see are the steps women in particular can take to avoid being victimized and brutalized? Brents attacked these people in their own homes. Did those people leave their doors unlocked? Was there ANY WAY the attack could have been prevented? And he didn’t just attack young people. Or single people.

“It’s just terrifying, and I’m really really hoping that by the end of the book I will have found some answer as to how I can make sure
that never happens to me, because honestly, that’s precisely why I’m reading this book. To figure out how to live a peaceful, happy life free from horrific and brutal terror. I’m reading it to inform myself about how to keep people like Brents as far away from me as humanly possible, and how to counsel those I love to do the same. What are your thoughts?”

And this was my reply:

As for prevention, awareness and precautions–there is not a special section of the book that I devote to that. The entire book itself is really a cautionary tale of awareness, but to have put a how-to section in it would totally change the genre and halt the pace. It’s a dual memoir. As such, the story unfolds.

And if it fills you with such fear, then I would suggest that you’re probably missing the overall message, which is one of compassion and that we are all, ultimately, responsible for each other…
Yes, his case is terrifying. And yes, his utter lack of regard for humanity and the fact he was such a predator is what makes it so uncomfortable to read. No, there is nothing his victims could have done to prevent his attacks or fight him off–the scenarios that play out in the book illustrate that, time and again. Also, I chose not to explore that because that starts to sound like victim blaming–What could they have done to prevent their attack? Nothing, absolutely nothing; not a locked door, or a weapon, or any amount of pleas would have kept anyone safe from him when he was on a rampage.
Which is why we are left with the bigger question, which I explore at the end, of How do we prevent someone like him from existing? That’s the bigger question that takes into account a bigger picture.
As for your specific, concrete safety concerns, I can tell you what I’ve learned from many conversations with Brents and other criminals like him: Always lock your doors and windows at home, and never leave your car unlocked. Always be aware of your surroundings. Listen to your gut (that one should actually go first).
And since sadists like him are calculated to be only about 2 percent of all rapists–I would fight like hell (note from Amy here–that’s my personal opinion, and not one espoused by law enforcement).
He told me once that the best way to fight off someone like him is to draw as much blood as possible in the first thirty seconds and that if that doesn’t do it, then give up, because it will only motivate him more.
Last, get a dog. I’ve been a crime reporter for 20 years and I can tell you that all the criminals will agree–a barking dog is a deterrent.

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by | November 23, 2011 · 6:00 am

This is Margaret–a survivor of rape

I got a call the other day from someone who read my book, Diary of a Predator: A Memoir, and he said one of the things he found amazing was the account of how one of Brent Brents’ victims, a woman named Margaret, forgave Brents for what he did to her.

I agreed. Even as I was covering her case, Margaret’s ability to find compassion in the midst of all of her own pain, anger and sorrow astounded me. To this day, she remains one of my heroes.

After hanging up the phone with that reader, I thought, “I wonder how Margaret is doing?” and so I gave her a call. I left her a voice mail, and she called me back the next day.

“I was just thinking the other day, ‘I wonder how Amy’s doing?’–and then you called,” she told me. “Pretty funny.”

And when I asked about her life, she answered me, in true Margaret fashion, with a stream of consciousness. Like many survivors of rape who struggle with Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, Margaret said she still often has a hard time leaving the house. Her marriage fell apart, and she cannot hold down a job. She applied for disability and was turned down, but she’s got a lawyer and is appealing.

More than anything, she continues to fight to heal. But I’ll let Margaret put it in her own words, which she said I could post here:

“The therapist tells me, You don’t wanna think about it. But if you don’t think about it then you dream about it.

When I go to sleep I have nightmares, and I don’t even remember what about.

Filling out a job application–my hands are shaking, I feel like they’re watching me: “What’s going on? Stupid!”

-That’s when I started noticing, What’s left of Margaret? I know that I have to feel better. But when, I don’t know.

I don’t think I’ll ever be the same but I’ll work on getting on with my life.

It’s going to be tough but I’m not gonna let it bother me forever. You have to move on. If you stay mad forever you will tear yourself up even worse. I look at anger as a bad thing and I try to leave it behind.

I’m sure he had a lot of anger, a lot of hurt and anger. I feel bad for everything that happened to him. Maybe someday down the road I can read everything.

I feel bad still but I know there are a lot of people who have it worse. So in a way I feel lucky.”

-Margaret 11-18-11

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by | October 27, 2011 · 9:50 pm

Writing Diary of a Predator: A Memoir

Part one: During all my years as a working journalist, my favorite part of the process was sitting down at my desk with a stack of notebooks beside me and a blank computer screen in front of me. I loved it for the Rubik’s cube-like challenge of putting all the details neatly into place, even though this usually happened under the constraints of a ticking deadline clock and sometimes with an editor literally breathing down my neck, demanding, “How close are you?”

I never had writer’s block, ever. I never missed a deadline. Since I usually wrote the lead to the story in my head while driving back to the newsroom, and the lead is the hardest part, the rest of it would fall into place like a row of obedient dominoes.

And then I decided to write a book, and found to be true what a friend of mine predicted, “Writing that book is going to kick your ass.”

The volume of the material was overwhelming: The court file alone was more than 500 pages. I had dozens of filled notebooks, stacks of documents I’d copied from Brents’ case file at the public defender’s office, transcripts of police interviews and copies of police reports.

I also had hundreds of pages of letters and journal entries from Brents, and he continued to write, sending letters every week. They filled a filing cabinet, and when that overflowed, I bought another.

The idea of the book soon loomed like the proverbial elephant in the living room, only this elephant was a hulking, smelly woolly mammoth with sharp spikes for tusks. I wanted nothing to do with it.

I told myself that I was too busy to try to start writing the book, that the material was so complex that it couldn’t be tackled in between juggling a family and a full-time job.

I told myself I needed time to get over the crushing blow of having a major, albeit controversial, publisher interested in it only to be fired the very week we were supposed to meet, swiftly followed by the crushing blow of my first literary agent simply disappearing on me.

And all those things were true. But what I really needed in order to be able to write that book was to slowly come to the realization that this wasn’t going to be simply a true-crime book; that in order to tell the story properly I had to do it fully. That meant opening a vein and revealing parts of myself that were deeply personal, as well as stepping back from my beloved craft and writing about the dark side of journalism itself.

Coming up: Writing Diary of a Predator: A Memoir, part two.

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by | October 13, 2011 · 8:07 pm

A Heartening Response to the Initial Book Reading of “Diary of a Predator: A Memoir”

I’m a journalist, so cynicism comes a little too easy.

book signing

The first book signing for Diary of a Predator: A Memoir, held at the Book Cellar in Louisville, Colo.

And I have to admit I was nervous about how “Diary of a Predator: A Memoir” would be received. It’s not just a true crime book; it’s a dual memoir about a serial rapist and my time as a journalist covering his case, and the life-changing effects that had on me. It’s not your everyday kind of memoir.

To say that I reveal personal details in this book is an understatement. But I felt I needed to reveal my history for this story, in addition to the journalistic process, so that the reader would have context as to the impact this case had on my life.

In other words, full disclosure. And that, especially for a journalist who is used to telling other people’s stories and never her own, left me feeling a bit exposed, like I had somehow pulled my heart out of my chest and laid it on the table.

Signing a book at the book reading

Signing a book at the first book reading for "Diary of a Predator: A Memoir"

But it wasn’t my heart, it was my book, and the folks who came to the very first book reading at the Book Cellar in Louisville, Colo. on October 7 proved to me that they not only understood it but welcomed it. I felt supported and gratified beyond description.

Diary of a Predator A Memoir book signing

I give Ellen a hug at the book signing.

There were lots of people I wrote about in the book who showed up, among them, Ellen, whose amazing story is featured in Diary of a Predator: A Memoir.

Meeting someone like her, and continuing to know her,  inspires me. And the fact that she and the others came to listen and support the book warms me, and gives me hope.

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