A response to Troy

Brents responds to Troy, a reader who says he was also abused as a child.

Troy,

I read your response to the website recently. Bizarre is a mild way of putting our childhood similarities. There have been, and are millions like us. A sad truth.

Yes too often society ignores Beaten, abused and neglected Children. Is it because no one cares? Maybe a percentage of people don’t really care. But as i age and mature, i learn to really look at it in a way that has begun to make sense. I have come to believe that many witnesses to these horrors, ignore or turn away because of pain. Either having to acknowledge personal traumas or having to commit to feeling the pain of supporting a victim.

I think, No i know, i never stopped to look at the big picture. If a person reports the abuse of a child or a woman they are acknowledging and commiting to that person. Opening themselves up to experiencing so much. So i can genuinely get why people “mind their own business.” I don’t agree, but i can certainly see why.

And yes we who have been victims often turned to the authorities.  Trusting and hoping for resolutions only to be revictimized by the systems ignorance. And this system often empowers the victimizers through its ignorance, lack of funding, improper or lack of training. Overburdening of victims. Overwhelmed, undertrained, understaffed. That’s the system.

Troy i was in a juvenile institution with kids who were seriously disturbed and in therapy sessions. i heard “our” stories over and over again. At the time it only fueled my hatred for authority and the system. But as i look back now it has saddened me.  I envy those who have been victims and overcame and achieved. I wish i could have not ended up like this. I say “this” because my mind is really screwed up.

At 35 you were able to change your life. At 35 i was unable to cope with the world outside of prison. “We need a revolution.” A damn good way to put it Troy. I do this with Amy in spite of what goes on in my head because it saddens me to think of people ending up like me or just being victims period.  And believe me i battle myself daily. I will never be “cured.” My brain is hard wired to violence, sexual or otherwise.

At just ten years old i learned what it was like to gain power thru rape. And it changed me in the worst way. Because i embraced it like i have heroin, meth, alcohol, destructive relationships, sexual deviance, hate, rage bitterness and anger.

I have worked hard these last few years just to let go. just let go of the resentment for all the hurts and pains i endured. It hasn’t been an easy journey. I still often find myself inexplicably in fits of rage, fantasizing about brutally hurting people. I go into deep depressions contemplating suicide because the one person i truly loathe is myself in these states of rage.

So i want to do what i can to keep people from creating ways for children to become like myself. I don’t know the answers to the solution. But i hope my honesty will help in the process. Thank you for using the site.

Some of you want to know how Drugs and Alcohol have affected me. Badly i would say. Most often my addiction made it easy for me to make bad decisions worse. I was able to do things i didint’ think i had the stomach for. And eventualy empowered me. Not in a good way. My addiction led me to become violent quicker and act with no feeling for Those i abused. And my addiction helped me to avoid my own very deep insecurities. Being dishonest with myself instead of accepting the reality. There is nothing i can do about the addiction in my case but simply acknowledge its destructiveness. And just not do the drugs or drink. Let reality take its course. Acknowledge my insecurities. Be honest with myself. And that is Non Negotiable to me.

2 Comments

Filed under Brents' writings

2 responses to “A response to Troy

  1. BRIAN SHANNON

    HELLO BRENT,
    I SAW YOUR STORY TONIGHT ON ON THE CASE WITH PAULA ZAHN. AND I HAVE TO TELL YOU THAT MY HEART GOES OUT TO YOU. I DON’T KNOW YOU BUT I TOO WAS ABUSED AS A CHILD, BY AN OLD MAN AT A LIBRARY SEXUALLY THAT IS AND IT HAS LED ME TO NUMBEROUS SUICIDE ATTEMPTS AND ALSO TO NOT KNOW MY OWN SEXUAL IDENDITY. IT TOOK ME UP UNTIL 1998 TO COME TO GRIPS WITH MY SEXUALITY AND THE TRAUMA THAT I UNDERWENT. THANKS FOR SHARING YOUR WORDS WITH PEOPLE LIKE ME AN THANKS FOR HELPING ME OVERCOME MY TRUAMA AND NOT DO IT TO OTHERS. I’M SORRY YOU WENT THRU WHAT YOU DID AND I’LL KEEP YOU IN MY PRAYERS. I’D LOVE TO WRITE YA SOMETIME BUT DON’T KNOW YOUR ADDRESS IF YOU COULD SEND IT TO ME I’D LOVE THAT.
    THANKS
    BRIAN

  2. Amy

    Hi.
    I’m a female, 36 years old, and a recovering addict. I am also a victim of childhood abuse, of every kind. I see Amy Herdy as a real human. Someone who sees that we are all the same in so many ways, but some of us act on our emotions differently. I have never abused anyone, and though it was done to me, I can empathize with you Brent. What makes you different than me? Why did you do what you did? Well, why did I do the things I did??? I’ve acted on many impulses I should not have, but I am human, and I make this world go ‘ round. Just like you and you and you. I can’t say my heart goes or to you, but I can say I get it. Typed from my phone, so forgive the grammar errors.
    Amy

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