As for me, well Alot on the brain. I have Jane’s letter here. I have been thinking about how i have changed in five years. I think i am a better person in alot of respects. But Still struggle daily with sexual violence as a tool of torture. Especialy in this type of situation where i am Constantly stressed. I don’t like the rage or how it makes me feel, Not like before. Before i nurtured the rage, hatred and bitterness. Now i feel guilty and saddened when it comes on. I don’t urge sexualy as i once did, its more a violence begets the rush type thinking but when it gets bad it’s a sexual violence that races in my mind. But i have a different mind set now.
I don’t have to have the release or the extreme need for the adrenaline high. And i am softer as a person mentaly and emotionaly. I don’t feel the need to be so rigid and powerful. I am able to accept that things are just the way they are. Plus i realy see people now Amy. Before they were objects to be judged and categorized according to my needs. Now i do try to see them without objectives. Just as people. But i will be very sincerely honest. I still can’t deal well with people….I just don’t have the mental capacity to expand in that way. I like the website. I can be 100% real without hurting someone accidentaly. I can be genuine and be alone with my tears of grief and guilt and sorry and bitter self hatred.
Brent Brents, 6-17-10 11:05 A.M.