By Brent Brents
Read Part 2
Read Part 3
Please know that unless otherwise noted, these entries are exactly as Brents wrote them, including any punctuation or spelling errors. Many of the details he provides are corroborated by medical and psychological reports of his history (see “records“).
I could easily be Bundy –i think he had the same fucked up brain the release was never Achievable. What realy hurts me deep is that there are a few things and people I can sincerely care for and love and would never hurt but the rest of Gods Green earth is fair Game. I am truly a fucked up dangerous person and were the opportunities to present themselves I would act. It hurts me to admit this. I am sorry for hurting all those other people, Truly but how can i be any kind of Good or decent if i cant stop my mind from Working Like it does. I look back to when i was a kid and i realy think i went crazy. Death is the only solution to this.
My body is breaking down. The weight gain is destroying my knees. The pain from arthritis is worsening. Breathing difficulties. The headaches-they are brutal my head literaly burns inside, my eyes hurt, my ears ache, my neck hurts. I smell and taste copper. The worst part is I get angry and frustrated. They put me on these meds for things that are wrong with me. It’s like Karma. Like a part of me is paying for each deed. I want to give up so bad but I know that no matter how lonely I get or how bad my body and mind deteriorate that justice served with an honest heart is what those I hurt deserve. I’m sure some of those I hurt would like to see me butchered, beaten and murdered and maybe that would satisfy them. But what they don’t know is that vengeance is not as sweet as it sounds.
So I can look at the person in the mirror, he was handsome and young once, but I didn’t know him. He was scared, cowardly, ashamed of so much. Now he’s old, no longer fears the truth and I respect my heart. Even if it costs me. So here I am alone, yet not selfish. Not this time. I have always taken the easy way out. This time I will do it no matter how hard it is.
I was and I am solely responsible for the actions I took. However people need to see how I was made. Then realize there are thousands of me out there and more still being made and do something about it. Something besides the “systems” answer.
It’s not just feeling the surface pain, It’s feeling and sharing what comes after and how they deal with it. Its Like trying to plug a crumbling dam, you plug one hole and another appears leaking your sanity. Plug it and one appears Leaking your sense of safety. Plug that one and another appears Leaking self confidence or self love. To many holes and not enough hands. Yes the empathy is real. I just don’t know how to stop the problem from starting in the first place.